Mis-commuication

Miscommunication leads to some hard things, but it's just that "mis"-communication. I hurt someone, in an attempt to protect my heart. We both hurt each other. I don't think this is the end. I'm willing to work on this until the end of days. I can't lose him. I won't. I hope he has the heart to forgive me. Things went great, so amazing even. But the message I never should have sent was read. I can't explain how sorry I am, or how low I feel. That's the only thing in my entire life this far that I regret doing. I would give anything to take it back. But I can't. I dreamt of this life and I should have been more patient and listened to my gut and not my friend. They give some of the worst advice. Expect Kelsey and Christina. They gave me what I needed to make it through this. I just... I just... hope he's willing to work on it with me. I would never intentionally hurt him; I never thought I would. This happens in relationships though. They just need to be worked through. It's new for both of us. I'm going to try and make it through today with a clear head. I hope for good news, but I'm ready to bear the consequences of my immature actions. I'm sorry.

facing hard times doesn't define you. What you do after those times is where strength is born. Sometimes things are misrepresented. I'll admit sometimes I don't make the most sense-making thoughts but I still admit my failures and stand my ground on my facts. Things worth keeping aren't easy right? So I'm not going to give up. Fortune cookies say... "the beginning is the hardest part, hang in there" so I'm hanging in there. I'll stay until it hurts, fight until I fail, and stay true to myself. I'm a survivor and a fighter. I will not back down in the face of challenge. I will be resilient and strong even in my darkest moments. I'm strong, smart and important. even if I don't like to admit it. I will achieve greatness

Something I should have figured out a long time ago

I realized today that I can control things the way I want them to be. It's something I think I've always known but just didn't quite know how to address. People come to things in their own time, and in their own terms. I get that now. I just need to be happy for the things I do have and then let everything else play out the way that it should. My grandpa's expression is: You can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink. This is very true. I need to just trust things and let them come to be in their own time.

Don't Let the Music Stop

I'm trying to figure out life. I know... big shock. Things lately have been stressful from every direction. Hard, scary, sad, happy, funny, lonely, lovely, and more. But I came to a conclusion and I stole this quote from a movie, "Faces in the Crowd", and it was "whatever you do, don't let the music stop." Life is like the shuffle on your MP3 player/iPod. Sometimes you have a streak of happy songs, love songs, or songs that make you want to dance; sometimes the songs want to make you cry, scream or hit someone. Different songs make you feel different, act different and you relate the lyrics to your own life. The music plays and life goes on, whatever you do, don't let the music stop. I wish I had the strength to push the skip button and move on from the songs I don't want to hear but I can't. Experiencing life means the good and the bad, I can't pick and choose. I just feel that now I'm finally trying to trust people again and I get burned. I don't think people care about me as much as I care about them. I don't know that of course but lately I just haven't felt it as much. Maybe it's not the caring part, but more of the trust. I give people 100% of my trust and try to be a good listener and communicator. But it's a two-way street. Sometimes I feel like the only car on the road. I finally have great things in my life and I want to hold on so tight that it's almost too much, then I back off and feel like I'm slipping away and not holding on. I have to put faith in people when I don't think they put faith in me. It's not just one person and that's the problem. It's so many little things that I'm beginning to wonder who I'm really afraid of. I think I'm afraid... of me. The expectations I have just disappoint me when I don't reach them and I don't know how to lower the bar. The world spins and you either get lost in the vortex or run with it. I always thought I was in the vortex, just turns out, I'm one of the few running with it. I just don't want to finish the race alone. don't let the music stop, keep listening to the lyrics, and live. Love with all your heart, take a risk with me, and I'll prove that I'm worth it.

I'm scared. I normally don't admit to that but I am. I don't know about what, but for some reason I can't shake this feeling of overwhelmed emotion. Little things trigger these huge scenarios in my head and then I can't stop thinking about it and it just leaves me with worry and stress. I just want to curl up in a little ball and hide from the world for a bit. But that's cowardice. I just wish I could clear my head. Even for an hour...
I just keep reminding myself of the good things that I have in my life. I have to in order to make it. Family, friends, love, boyfriend, a future... I just wish I had a few more answers. or a hug. haha

My deepest thought is thinking.
My deepest fear is fearing,
The truth becomes endearing.

Embrace emotions in flawless form,
Through experience novelty is born,
Reality has now been torn.

Existence is a fickle thing,
Insanity it now will bring,
Don't forget to stop and sing.

The tables hop,
The sounds will pop,
Whatever you do: don't let the music stop

Writer's Block

I'm taking a break from studying, I can't seem to finish this paper so I'm writing here to try and free up my writer's block and stuff. I don't really know where to start. I had a great weekend. Got to skype with the most amazing boyfriend... I miss him a lot. :(
I partied a little. Slept, and now I'm just trying to do some homework. I have so many things on my checklist that I don't know how I'm going to check them all off in time. I need to take a step back, slow down and have some more fun. I really miss swimming.

Feeling free, open, powerful, agile... gah! Just to feel being underwater. My mind can slow down, everything makes sense, and I just... exist. It's pure freedom. I feel safe when I'm swimming.

It reminds me of being with my boyfriend. he makes it so easy to just breath and relax. Even just skyping, I feel a little bit better every time I see him. I finally got to hear him sing. It was so beautiful. I don't care that he thinks he's a bad singer. He's not, his tone, the feeling behind the music. It's so amazing. I really wish we lived closer :/ Just to hug him, see him, play with his hair and look into those stunningly perfect eyes.