Lately I have not been able to write and finish my own thoughts. The overwhelming school year and life have put my thought process in a flux of entropy. So, maybe tonight I can finish a damn thought. Today was not my best day; we'll start here. Because I'm tired, grumpy, was hungover and inspired by laziness I did not go to class, or to my group meeting. I DID turn in all necessary work and inform the necessary people of my absence (in all fairness). I then preceded to drop Psychology from my majors and focus mainly on Communication. Yay for communicating! (side tangent: I just put my glasses on and enhanced my reading capabilities by 1000%) I had an amazing lunch with Christina Currie and went back to my apartment to pray my headache away. I then watched Ferngully whilst trying to force myself to study or sleep which both did not see the light of victory. I began to clean and do dishes which resulted in minimal success, which I could be mildly proud of. Following such a fun filled activity, I went to LHS' High School football shame, I mean game, with Emily Simpson. Where my butt froze and went numb, but I was able to see Natalie perform at half-time and she was amazing! All in all it sounds like a decent day right? Here's the flip side to this tarnished coin:
All morning I couldn't sleep well. Last night I walked home from work at 3am in the freezing cold, alone, for 18 blocks. I was paranoid, cold, and tired. Not a good combination. The smell in the air made my nose hurt and brought back some flash backs of the -40 degree week last semester and I pushed those painful images out of my head real quick like(insert southern drawl). After that lovely night I woke up to 4-5 texts from various people, some worth less than the time it took me to sit up and read the name on the text line. Then I slept for an hour until my alarm went off and I then sat awake for an hour. In that hour I began to think about so many things that I can't explain it. But as if by some Karmic bitch slap in the face I remembered something. The cold, the smell, the feel, the daylight, and all the signs pointed to one thing. This was Fall and I don't like Fall. For the most part Fall is nice, I can wear cute clothes, pumpkin spice lattes come back and Halloween comes around and is my favorite holiday. But Fall reminds me of things that I wish I didn't remember. For starters... my ex. Fall was the first time in college, first time kissing a boy, and first time being with someone. The dates, the experiences, the fun and sorrow all come flooding back with the sound of blowing leaves and the spine chilling breeze. Then the tiny pain needles come reminding me of all those past memories of the season and I want to almost break down and cry but it's not worth it I lie to myself. It's just another season and it's a new year. Well BULLSHIT. It's still Fall and each year I fall in one way or another. So far, my fall is about neutral. 50/50 on the emotional scale and I'm waiting to see which way it will tip.
I'm tired... as I've said before. I'm hoping that quitting 2 jobs, one club and dropping a major will help me learn to breathe and focus more on me. I have some amazing things in my life. I would like to enjoy them. Things are turning around in parts of my life that are setting me up for great achievement and fun. The things that are bringing me down are strong. I'm stronger. I just need to tough things out a little longer and keep my goals in mind. I can make it through this. I've been through worse and will have more hurdles in the future. But I don't care. Bring it on because I CAN do this, I WILL do this and NO ONE will stop me from being me. Fall is not my best season. But... I can make it the best season yet if I add a little faith, perseverance, and fun to the mix.
Fall is when you transition to the peril of Winter. Fall is when the last sign of Summer leaves the scenery. Fall is the time of remembrance. It's time to make things worth remembering. :)
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