Before it's too late

Sheesh has it been a while, I don't even know the last post I've had on here really.  You know those moments... where you stop to think about your life and everything runs through your head so fast that you feel like you're not thinking at all? That was the last three months of my life.  Somewhere along the line I blew a few too many gaskets and I'm not sure how to replace them.  There's just so many different things happening in my life.  I'm a professional on campus. I'm no longer a student. I'm a role model, self-critic, masochist and a lot of other things as well. I honestly don't know very much about myself anymore. I've become mean, arrogant, reserved, cryptic and isolated.  I have no idea how to chip away the ice that surrounds my frozen heart but if any one has any ideas... feel free to shout them out.

My parents are now divorced which makes things a lot different.  My dad acts like nothing has changed and it's all normal.  Nothing will ever be normal again.  I'm used to change and thought this change would lead to some growth and development.  It lead me straight into relational paranoia.  I don't trust people, I can't really feel love lately it seems and I've shut off... just like he did, just like he did to us and my mom. I can't even cry now I'm so desensitized to it. I've been seeing people here and there, flirting like I always do but two weeks in I can't seem to let myself get close to them. I'm looking for things I'm not finding.

I'm also really hard on myself. I need to work on that.  Start being physically, mentally, emotionally... healthier.  I'm so broken.   I sometimes wonder if I'll ever really know what I'm looking for when I see it. I feel lost and kind of alone because I can't get close to people any more.  Not as easily. Where do you start? Hollywood lies to you and gives you these moments that jump start your life... I'm waiting for that. The firework, the spark, the chair that's kicked out from under me.  I need to get back on track before it's too late.  Before I descend into darkness and no one has a match.