End of the line

I'm beginning to wonder what happened to the old me.  Parts of me that I truly miss and cherished.  I think those parts of me are still here but I just can't access them.  Or maybe I'm protecting them from being used again.

I've moved 14 times, lived in four states, and another country.  I've done so much and achieved a lot, yet... I think along the way I forgot what makes me work.  Writing, swimming, photography, playing outside.

I used to think I was "broken" in high school... man what I wouldn't give to have those days back. College was hard, coming out and standing up for equality was hard, now living a real life with a future and being responsible for the rest of everdom? that's going to be hard.

I've always grown up wanting one thing. A family.  If that's even just my husband and my dog or cat... So be it.  But that's what I've wanted.  Not because "society tells me so" but because once upon a time, a speaker told me "If you've gone through your 20's and haven't fallen in love, you're life hasn't even started."  Good thing for me is that I did fall in love... once.  It didn't last, but it taught me that I COULD love.

Then things changed, people cheated on me, bad break ups etc. and then my parents went through a 3 year battle of a divorce.  I didn't think it would hurt me like it did, or make me feel as bad as it did.  Now, it's as if I can't even date.  I don't know the protocol, or I get bored. Like I'm too picky or maybe Wyoming gays are just as bad as the gossip leads them to be. I can't help but wonder, through all this time, if I'm just losing my ability to love. To communicate genuinely, because I'm running from something or even myself. 

I didn't have the best or worst childhood, I had given up my adolescence for the sake of family.  Then my family moved back to Texas and I chose to stay.  I think this is one of the first fractures in my soul.  I became someone that I never could have without being shattered.  I grew up too fast. 16... 26 it didn't matter.  I rocked my grades, had two jobs, and still had a social life and balanced family.  Now I'm on my own and I have absolutely no balance. I work my ass off for little results, rarely see family or friends, I'm being consumed by my own bitterness and most days I'd rather not even get out of bed. Why you may ask? I'm angry... angry at my dad, at the world, at my old "friends" that weren't really friends and up until college I never even truly experienced anger. Now I'm overloaded with it and I don't have the same relaxing or outsourcing means of "letting off steam".

I'm attempting to get things back on track and then something derails my progress and hits me from the side I'm least expecting. So it's my plan to start getting things back on track, to start running, get a gym pass, sleep better, eat better and BE BETTER.  It's all in my control and if I already grew up when I was younger there's no excuse now. Time to be an adult and take the world on. here goes..