Back to me

And so the roller coaster began. It hasn't stopped most of this semester but I tried to pretend reality was fable, that plan was not seen to fruition. So many things have changed, so many things are different, and I don't know how I got to this point. The stress, sickness, worry, doubt, happiness, pain, joy, laughter and every tear in-between cannot be explained, nor do I think I can begin to explain.

I've tried giving up controlling everything and now everything is spiraling out of control. There's a certain amount of control needed to keep balance, but too much control can strangle the situation, no control allows things to slip through your fingers.

When I close my eyes, I'm not sure if I recognize the world around me anymore. I don't know what's real, what I can trust or even if I know what I should or shouldn't do. My actions have consequences, my mind has a price, and I have responsibility to myself.

I change my hair a lot, mostly from brown to blonde, to natural blonde, to red/brown or whatever I feel like. I get really stressed and need a change and most of the time it's my hair. This time, it was interesting to see it, and I do love the new color. But it's not me, it doesn't feel right, and I'm waiting to grow it out. To cut it, have my hair go back to the real me, toward my brighter personality. This just isn't me, so now I have to wait to get back to the familiar, to who I am and to who I'm used to being. Once the fog clears, the streets fade, and the light sets in I'll find me again. I just hope that it comes soon. Before I lose me forever.