Stepping up again.

I step down,

for years I've wanted answers, now I don't want them. Everyone has a hardship, at different levels yes, but hardship none the less. I am no exception. Today I'm writing because this is an issue I've neither addressed nor spoke about for a while. Back when my family wasn't doing very well, back when my siblings and I hated each other, back before I was me, back before I free from the shallow graves of my past I was hurt. I was lonely, sad and depressed. I put on a happy face to get through the day and it worked. I went to school and did great because it's all I literally had for an escape. I watched the TV show charmed because at 3:00 every day for years it would be there for me, it never once failed me, not like how others had failed me. Then moving to Texas changed EVERYTHING. My friends know how I feel about my year in Texas, some of you may not know I was severely depressed, lost too much weight for a healthy boy, and tried to kill myself twice. This is behind me and I've spent years trying to forget and expel these memories from my mind. Then moving back to Wyoming hurt too, my dad wasn't really there for me in the beginning and my brother and sister took the distance hard. I get that it was hard for my family, I do, but sometimes they get credit for things that they shouldn't, praise for things that aren't praiseworthy, and empathy where I received apathy. I've been told "your brother had it really hard with your dad being gone, he had to step up and be the father figure."

I cried when my aunt told me this. He had it rough? from what I remember at this time he rebelled, was NEVER there for me, partied, was rude, disrespectful, didn't work and made my life miserable most every chance he could. He wasn't a good brother, nor did he take over responsibility. I did, I had to step up. I took over responsibility.

"You don't know what you're sister is going through." "You're a bad brother for letting her down like this"

Wow did these hurt, I stood up to protect my sister from herself and I was told by my own family that I was a bad brother. I was livid. Lies, tricks, games, and angry phone calls later I was still a "bad" brother. She didn't act responsible, my parents couldn't parent her because my dad had lived years without children, and my mom was too tired to deal with my sister's bullshit. Oh and I don't know what she's going through... you're right, I'd forgotten what it had been like to live with both parents, to have money spent on me, to have my parents actually show up (on time) to extra curricular events, to live under the same roof as your family. They're right, I don't know what that's like.

I can't count the time I spent trying to clean our house, do the dishes, start the laundry, or mop and sweep and have my mom come home and rant about how we never help around the house, how we're horrible children for not doing the chores after she worked multiple jobs that day. How about waking up my brother, telling him to shower, starting his truck, making sure he was out of the shower in time to get to school. Finishing his scholarship applications that he never used, taking my siblings to a movie because my mom had a mental breakdown, hearing rumors of my dad cheating and having to call my aunts to have them tell my mom, seeing her breakdown, taking back his wedding ring, never seeing his children, stressing over small things in the house, getting sick all the time, crying because my mom was hurt, worrying about the future, what to do, coming out to my mom, having her say hurtful things, ruining the bond we had, fighting with my siblings, having my mom and sister leave me, then my brother, walking into the empty house I spent my middle school years, living without my parents and siblings, getting an anxiety disorder, being misunderstood, coming out to my friends, the rest of my family, worrying about college, hiding who I was, letting people know who I am, having my friends forget me, being picked on or bullied, rumor after rumor, graduating and leaving high school forever knowing my future was up to me and I missed out on being a kid, an adolescent.

This all sounds whiny, and the light version of what I can recall from those years. But I needed to write down exactly what I was thinking about and I don't know why this was triggered for me but it was. I was told things that my siblings didn't know, I've done adult things that they haven't done, and I've learned things they will never learn... all before I turned 18. I grew up too fast, and I'm thankful for it. But the side effects are painful, deep cuts that haven't healed yet.

I have a fear of being left, abandoned, and alone. That's all I've been shown, it's all I've known, I've moved 12 times in 8 years so I get uncomfortable in one place for too long. it's awful to feel like this, I cry myself to sleep a lot and I have to cuddle a pillow to feel safe. I don't trust easily and I am rude, up front and honest. it got me this far, and I'll keep it.

I've grown so much in the past 2 years, I'm happy, healthy, and I love my friends and family. I love who I've become and where I am today. It's a great feat for me. :)

I wouldn't trade my life, but I wouldn't wish it on others. It's hard to remember the things that I've been through and most of them aren't described in this post. I just felt I needed to write down how I felt and never worry about it again. All the feelings I've held, all the pain. Of being invisible in a world where no one noticed that I was fading into the distance.

I'm here now, in the front light, bright, big and glowing. No more hiding, this is my life and I'm standing out. I'm not turning back and I'm finally me. Forever me, with all my flaws and strengths. I'm stepping up again, but this time it's for me, and no one else.