Grow

"I don't want to grow up" "I'm just a kid"

I've heard it all the time. In many ways, and many forms. I didn't have that option. I was forced to grow up. I was told things as a kid that kids shouldn't have to hear. I dealt with things no kid should deal with and I grew up. I grew up fast. My siblings didn't have to, they actually regressed into childhood. I'm 20, I look almost 22, and I'm told I act 30. I'm kind of a mess when it comes to who I am. I've had a long road that no one really understands, not many probably ever will. I have a virus in my eyes that makes walking outside painful, I have constant fatigue, symptoms of depression, anxiety disorders, and problems with unmet expectations. I've been through a lot and I'm still here. I know what it takes to get through some of life's hard trials. I just thought that's what everyone does and that's what everyone understands... turns out that it's not. People don't get it, they want me to sit and listen to their problems with attention and then they don't give a damn about what's going on with me. A lot goes on with me, my mind is constantly trying to rationalize things. I want to just yell at people. I yelled at my sister Sunday, I've never really felt good about getting aggressive. I stood up for my friends, for diversity, and for me. I loved it. I just don't understand the shit that comes out of her mouth. The attitude she has or the way she uses people. The laziness, the bitchiness, all of it. We weren't raised like that, and people don't deserve that treatment. I'm mad at her, my Dad, and disappointed in them.

I just want to go home, or whatever it is that makes me happier. I don't feel like i belong here or that this is my world. Texas isn't for me at all. My family is falling apart. Now I've just got me. I do have friends but it's not the same. I've gotten me here so I'll get myself elsewhere. :) Happy Holidays