I'm not the perfect person when it comes to my emotions. Most of the time I can write them down or think through feelings in my head and they can go away. Sometimes they don't, lately I've been waiting for things to dissipate and clear the air. They haven't. I slowly feel better and I don't talk to a lot of people about these things because technically they can't help me. They can't fix things for me and I just seem like a downer all the time. For that I am sorry because emotions can be contagious but I can't help what I feel. Things will get better, but for know they suck. I thought I hid my emotions well enough but there are a few people who saw through my little mask, saw what's really going through my mind, body, and soul. For those... I am most sorrowful, there are things I never wanted to push onto another person and that was a major one. I'm strong, and I can get up and dust myself off but after a while a person grows tried, I grow tired, and I need to rejuvenate. I don't know what's in store for me, but I do know that I can get done what I need and bounce back if I just focus on some me time. Who knows I can do that. I can be alone and still have thoughts of others and about others still racing through my consciousness. I've gotten back to a lot of roots and I'm so thankful for that. I'd forgotten some of the best things that created and shaped me. I apparently lost sight of those attributes and needed a little reminding.

There are many things in life that can throw you off track, some you see coming and others you won't know are about to hit you. The goal is to be as prepared as possible, you establish boundaries and control who is in and out of your life, you surround yourself with positive, good people and remove the others. You don't allow them to cross your boundaries. Keep yourself at a distance from those who pose a threat. Know your limits and pay attention to the signs.

People always have "tells" that give away their true thoughts. Too bad that I can't read them all so easily all the time. I'm an adult, yes I have growing up to do and I'm not the most mature all the time but I am an adult in a generation that not many adults are born in. I don't really know why this happens and why people don't just do what they're supposed to and what's right but it seems the "days of manners" are lost in my generation. Sure there are some of us that are good people but there are also those that aren't. It's seen all the time in the most various of places and situations. It just amazes me how people think they can treat others in this time period... maybe one day they'll get a reality check, a slap in the face, or Karma will come back to them.

Here's hoping

Bigger Picture

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately... and by thinking I mean talking to Kelsey about life and such. There are things in life that I wasn't really prepared for. I thought that most of my life would be seen sitting in the background waiting for me to fill my place, do my job and go on to whatever else is left. I was wrong. I have the potential to inspire others. I've noticed it more recently with Connor, Nicholas and Kelsey. They say things that make it seem as if I rub off motivation and inspiration. I'm no muse by any means but I do believe that I'm starting to notice myself doing that with others. I'm so in tuned to intelligence and academia that I theorize my brain registers on a different frequency than a lot of others. I'm not disregarding others or their intelligence I know that a lot of people around me are superbly intelligent and shock me in the most surprising of ways. But I am a part of the bigger picture, I'm beginning to realize this and it scares me. It's exciting, nerve racking, and unknown to me. I intend to see everything through until the end of time. And I'm really excited to get know when I'm there...

I'm numb, I feel like I'm sitting in the middle of a whirlpool waiting to get out of the chaos it will bring if I step into the realm of uncertainty.

I've lost two of my best friends, and the best part is that they think it's my fault. When if they wouldn't have acted like children and FOR ONCE would've listened to what I had to say they may have seen my side. They didn't give me the benefit of the doubt and they tried to control me, they had power and influence over me. Not anymore. It's time to grow up again and see what's best for me. I'm so lost and still wish I could run to them to cry and ask for help. That won't be happening. They want nothing to do with me.

I don't deserve all that's happened to me, and there's no one to blame but them.

I also just left a relationship. It was semi-mutual and I do foresee us staying friends. But my heart still hurts. I still want to cry sometimes, but I'm okay. I'm happy with life and it's a different experience for me. It doesn't make the hurt any less but then again this isn't the worst that I've been through and I'm sure there's more to come. I'm so lucky to have Nicholas as a friend. I wouldn't know what to do otherwise.

Life isn't all it's planned out to be, nor should it be. But things change and grow... and shift. It's sad, beautiful, joyful, surprising, amazing, scary and sometimes awful. I'm glad to be here and glad I have what I have. I'm blessed, or as my gram said. I'm a chosen child of God. here to make a difference in this world.

Stand

Sinking ships on dreading waters,

blown to bits by cannon fodder.

Shaking, crawling, breathing dirt,

pushing up to remove the hurt.

Back to feet, standing tall,

the battle lost, the war will fall.

Hard decisions, sacrifice,

peering truth, concealed in ice.

Truth

I'd rather see the sun go down,

than rise on darkened days,

For pondering a twisted thought,

brings doubt and pain your way,

Forgive those who do not see,

truth of every kind,

For those who choose to do so,

will only close their mind,

A change is rough and treacherous,

but is not without reach,

For those who care to make a difference,

with this poem I beseech.

Simple

Recently I've realized that I have no idea what I'm doing, and frankly I don't care. I love my life and I love the people in it. Sometimes I don't know how things work or what to do but I work with all that is given to me. I don't like spreading myself thin and I don't like picking sides. I'm being torn in places I've never been torn and I'm conflicted in what to do. My world is filling up with things I can't control and I don't like feeling this way.

I've sat on this side of the fence for so long that I think others don't like seeing things from where I've been sitting. I get it, I'll have to work it out and I'll try but my time is my time. My world is my world and I am shared. I'm spread thin and it's time to re-group. I'm tried and now all this isn't fair. Things aren't always fair and I know that. But the thing is... I'm only one guy, with one life to live. I can only do so much without having things fall apart... again. I've been here, working through things when I finally find stability you fight it. I don't have time to fight for that, I shouldn't have to. Things should work, be understood and you move on. Plain and simple. But things are never plain or simple. Complexity over rules the dictation placed in the inner workings of simplicity.

My mind races all the time and I think about the most ridiculous things. But that doesn't mean they'll happen, that they're true or that you in any way have changed in my eyes.

Sometimes we have to give up a little to gain that much more. It's time to make this move. The transition that will make me even stronger.