Proverbial Needle

I had a great night tonight. :) I got to see my Jessi! I had lunch with Christina today and I spent my night with Tino, Mitch and Chuck... and to think I didn't want to go out tonight. I could've spent my night reading or watching charmed but I didn't. I got up and had a great time! Therefore leads me into the night shift and too much free time on my hands. I'm trying to slowly, one-by-one, delete pictures of me or "untag" myself from them... turns out 935 pictures are a lot to go through. More than I anticipated, some old memories seemed to have seeped into my consciousness. I've tried remembering the good times but I'm better off not remembering at all. I wish it would go away. This seems to be a blemish on my past that won't go away. Some day it will fade beyond my knowing, but for now it's caught in this strange abyss. We'll see how things turn out in the end I guess. I've a lot more deleting to do.

On a happy note. One of the best things happened to me. I held a boys hand. It's a small gesture but it makes me feel so happy! It makes me smile a lot even at 4am as I write this. The butterflies in my stomach race and I can't wait to see what comes from the future. It's funny how the smallest of things makes the greatest of differences.

Sorting gays and Freshmen Days

So I’m guilty, I study people. I sit in the Union or in coffee shops, planes, airports, stores, gas stations, streets, malls, and TV and I watch people. It fascinates me! But there’s nothing like a UW College campus to get me “peeply senses” tingling. And to the Freshman Class of 2011 I congratulate you. You have not only stooped to unimaginable senses of fashion but have also confused my gaydar with your pretty faces and affinity for Hollister Brand clothing. Men I do have to give you props for your courage in wearing pink, but I now have to try 3 times as hard to sort out the gays from the pretty straight boys. Girls, every year you seem to shock me with your lack of good fashion. Everyone is entitled to their style but uggs and booty shorts in August, or anytime for that matter, are INSANELY TACKY AND SHOULD NOT BE DONE MORE THAN ONCE! If ever. The fake blondes and bad tans, guys with too baggy clothes and not enough belts, girls with bad make up, mini-skirts, form fitting leggings, unflattering tube tops… I’m not trying to be rude or judgmental but this is college, if you’re only here to look pretty and snazzy and talk in class, text about boys/girls, and still stay in your high school cliques then you are in the wrong place. College is intimidating to some, and yes humans like familiarity and stay in the safe spots but you need to branch out and find yourselves! This is your time to mess up, try new styles, learn something, grow, make your best friends and live life! If your greatest problem is, which I’ve overheard, is that you’re waiting for the “supa fine boi in Bio to text back” when you’re in Psych class you are NOT paying attention nor getting the most out of this experience. I was a Freshmen once and I’ve had my college phases but I was never a fake, I never gave into the scenes and cliques that everyone this year are so wrapped into, and I stay true to myself. There are tricks to college, the more time you spend on campus the more you’ll know. I am very overly involved and I know a few tricks and can’t wait to learn more. In that regards if you think you can tell me you’re too stressed after your naps and large meals, parties and concerts then you and I are seeing college on 2 very different levels. My idea of tired and your laziness are nowhere near on the same page. I get that it’s a transition and blah, blah, blah but this is no place to sit and waste time whining. I learned fast because in college it’s do or die. Some of you may be learning that faster than you think. I may sound mean and bitter, maybe it’s because I’m a sarcastic asshole sometimes but I do not pretend to be a know-it-all. I just know my experiences, the experiences of others and anecdotal proof of previous students. Most of us are here for you if you need help. I do enjoy helping others and most of us won’t laugh at your questions and are genuinely going to point you in the right direction. In that regard upperclassmen are some of your greatest resources. Just know that YOU are not in charge, YOU have not worked through what we have and if YOU choose disrespect over courteously you’ll find out quickly that this is a small campus and some will vote you off the island. Good luck and God speed newbies. I’ll be seeing you around campus.

Writing from the Hearth

I’m sitting here at 3:44am and wondering what to write about, not that many people will read this… I’m guessing two people one of which being Kelsey. I could talk about school, or work, I could complain or rant, maybe even mock a few people but I’m not really in the mood for any of that. Maybe even talking about life would be a “not-so-great” topic for me right now. Not that things are bad but I feel it unnecessary at the moment. I do need to write something to keep these active readers on the edge of their seats. I just like writing, free expression and thought put into physical words; it makes me feel open and free. Like therapy but cheaper and I don’t get funny questions or asked “what does this Ink Blot say to you?” My mom started my writing obsession when I was in Kindergarten. She told my siblings and I we would be participating in young authors and from then on the little writer in me drug my heels in and refused to write. Once in middle school, I was called some lovely names, made fun of and picked on. I decided I needed to talk to someone but my heart and my head said Don’t, don’t say anything to anyone, keep your head down and one day you’ll make it out. So I kept a journal, of my personal thoughts and hurt feelings; a teenage plethora of rants and unfair treatment. This was the only thing I felt safe telling my secrets to, a flimsy $2 book from Wal-Mart that knew me better than anyone. I was so afraid to talk to the world, who could I trust? Noone. It’s been a journey from then on, to the point I’m at now before you. From books, to journals, to journalism, activism, college, blogging, to the future I am a writer. I may not be a professional but I love writing, I could possibly become a great writer and train myself for the better. Who knows? Sure blogs are mocked and ridiculed but I love mine, and my 13 followers, because no person needs to read this, but it’s out in the open for people to read. People could learn a lot about my “soft side” by reading this. Not many people get this close to knowing me.

gay..all the way

At the GSA Kickoff Camp and it's been an interesting experience to say the least. I think that my presentation went well and it's good to see Lisa and meet Rob, Meg, and the new faces I got to meet here. It's so interesting to see what kids 3 years younger than me don't know about LGBQT History, just to think though only a year ago I was in their place, with little knowledge of G/L History. It's so interesting to re-learn and see what I've been taught and learn new things I didn't pick up in the past. I miss things here and there and getting another chance at knowledge is great to me. :) I can't wait to learn more, Barbara Gittings and Audre Lorde are some of my favorite historical icons.

Well I will add more to this thought later :)

Path Less Traveled

FUN FACT! I'm coming back with a vengeance! By vengeance I mean I'm a happy person. :) although there are always ups and downs I'm extremely happy. I like to think I'm finding me again. I've cut ties with those I should have long ago and I'm sticking to the good friends I have now. I know what kind of people I need in my life. Also, this new information comes with some responsibility. No not like Spiderman's great power/responsibility bull shit... I've taken this trip to Texas to clear my head and it did just that. I've re-connected with my family and I've gained some new knowledge about myself. With that, I know what I have to do, I have to dedicate my life to school. That's why I was so good at it before. I spent all the time could focusing on that goal. School, graduating, good grades, and everything. School needs to become my #1 priority and stay my priority. Which I was always happiest when I was overly involved. :) yes I'm a SUPPA NERD! haha and I'm damn proud of it. I have a lot to look forward to and a lot to accomplish in the next year and a half and I have all the power to do it. It's in my blood after all, instilled in my soul to drive me to the path I'm meant to create. I've found a peace, and an inner ground, to help me. I know that I can once again stand my ground and be myself. Completely convicted in all I know and all I can know in the future. My heart, and God as my witness, I'm going to get to where I need to. No exceptions or pit stops this time. I need this and it's all I've got, my final shot. So here's my journey... beginning a long, fun, hard next few years.

Closer that you think

Finally, I'm in a moment of peace. Things aren't lingering anymore. Or hanging over my head. They're out in the open, in my face and dealt with. I can breathe for once, it may hurt to breathe but I can still push through all the crap and take in sweet, much needed, oxygen. I haven't been able to concentrate or be myself at all lately. It's almost impossible since I haven't really been ME for a while. Things always change and I got lost in the mess, half found myself but didn't hold on long enough. Now all I have is me. This time I'm not letting go. You can bet your ass that I won't.

Lighter side? I'm having the best vacation. I'm getting a chance to get closer to my parents. I love them so much and I'm so happy I get to spend this time with them. It's nice to be seen as an adult, but also as their son. I couldn't be happier. I do miss my friends though, my real ones :). I'm going to be keeping them close this year, very close.

Pathway to Friendship

People walk in and out of a person's life. It happens all the time. They're meant to be there for a purpose, at that time, to make sure you learn what needs to be learned. Well the trick to all of that is really simple. They leave, some yes of course stay. For the most part, they leave. Well in that case there's not much you can do. Be mad, sad, angry, happy, or lonesome but the only way out of that is to see that in the future you'll have great people walk into your world to make it even better and the ones who've stayed in your life will be worth so much and be the most valuable pieces to the puzzle of your history. There will be those people you remember but they may just have to be just that. Memories, and hopefully you can hold on to the good ones like I do.

Sure I talk about some bad ones and such, I'm not the least dramatic person by any means, but I do like to remember the good and not the bad. It makes my thoughts clearer, my heart warmer, and my soul cleaner. I feel dirty holding on to grudges, so I don't hold them. I do remember why people and I no longer get along but I don't hold it against them, just keep things in perspective. For now, I'm in a transition. But I'm working things out and understanding more. So I'm on my way, and I'm looking forward to keeping good people in my life, and keeping the door open for more great people to come into it.

Face: 2

I may do things differently, but I know what I'm doing and normally I'm right. For those of you who know me, I follow a simple pattern. I have a specific demeanor and I do things my way. For those of you who don't know me. I'm social but reserved, I try and see the bigger picture at all times and I don't stray from the goal very often. I may find strange means to accomplish a task but it will be completed correctly and to the utmost of my efficiency. Questioning me and my motives will only get you into a deeper hole that I'm NOT going to dig you out of. Face the consequences, do your job and know your boundaries. I'm not going to baby people and be the nice guy anymore. I've been acting like my old self lately. Guess what, my old self was a dick. So be prepared world. the new and more efficient Brody is coming to town.

Unseen Treasures

I don't really know how this works... my heart still hurts for some reason and I don't think that I'm in the clear yet for my emotional state. I read things on FB, blogs, twitter and all kinds things and if you can help someone that's great but I feel that some try and force others into feeling they aren't ready for. Or expose them in ways they may not want to be exposed in. I may help people from time to time, I don't even think people listen to my advice I know some certain few really don't ever listen to me but if I reach one or two people in my lifetime then I've done more than a lot of others. I just don't see where power and praise get to a persons' head they think "Hey, now I know more than them and can force them to change"... wrong. You can't, people have to deal and learn on their own. NEWS FLASH: YOU can't control what others feel. How could you? You don't know, you can't change it, sure you can be a friend and listen but the real question here is CAN you listen? I find it funny those who truly think they "help" a lot of others, don't listen to a damn thing they say. It's just " well that sucks, but here's what you should do...". Sometimes people just need you to listen. Half the time you're not even there to listen to them, the rest you're riding in on your high horse to dish out advice you can't even take. Not many really care anymore, why would they? They get few things out of the situation so why help? It's just sad that there are so many out there "helping" but they're really just stalling the normal process of healing because they're more broken than the people they try to help. My advice is to try being a real friend, the rewards are far greater than you'll know.