Mis-commuication

Miscommunication leads to some hard things, but it's just that "mis"-communication. I hurt someone, in an attempt to protect my heart. We both hurt each other. I don't think this is the end. I'm willing to work on this until the end of days. I can't lose him. I won't. I hope he has the heart to forgive me. Things went great, so amazing even. But the message I never should have sent was read. I can't explain how sorry I am, or how low I feel. That's the only thing in my entire life this far that I regret doing. I would give anything to take it back. But I can't. I dreamt of this life and I should have been more patient and listened to my gut and not my friend. They give some of the worst advice. Expect Kelsey and Christina. They gave me what I needed to make it through this. I just... I just... hope he's willing to work on it with me. I would never intentionally hurt him; I never thought I would. This happens in relationships though. They just need to be worked through. It's new for both of us. I'm going to try and make it through today with a clear head. I hope for good news, but I'm ready to bear the consequences of my immature actions. I'm sorry.

facing hard times doesn't define you. What you do after those times is where strength is born. Sometimes things are misrepresented. I'll admit sometimes I don't make the most sense-making thoughts but I still admit my failures and stand my ground on my facts. Things worth keeping aren't easy right? So I'm not going to give up. Fortune cookies say... "the beginning is the hardest part, hang in there" so I'm hanging in there. I'll stay until it hurts, fight until I fail, and stay true to myself. I'm a survivor and a fighter. I will not back down in the face of challenge. I will be resilient and strong even in my darkest moments. I'm strong, smart and important. even if I don't like to admit it. I will achieve greatness

Something I should have figured out a long time ago

I realized today that I can control things the way I want them to be. It's something I think I've always known but just didn't quite know how to address. People come to things in their own time, and in their own terms. I get that now. I just need to be happy for the things I do have and then let everything else play out the way that it should. My grandpa's expression is: You can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink. This is very true. I need to just trust things and let them come to be in their own time.

Don't Let the Music Stop

I'm trying to figure out life. I know... big shock. Things lately have been stressful from every direction. Hard, scary, sad, happy, funny, lonely, lovely, and more. But I came to a conclusion and I stole this quote from a movie, "Faces in the Crowd", and it was "whatever you do, don't let the music stop." Life is like the shuffle on your MP3 player/iPod. Sometimes you have a streak of happy songs, love songs, or songs that make you want to dance; sometimes the songs want to make you cry, scream or hit someone. Different songs make you feel different, act different and you relate the lyrics to your own life. The music plays and life goes on, whatever you do, don't let the music stop. I wish I had the strength to push the skip button and move on from the songs I don't want to hear but I can't. Experiencing life means the good and the bad, I can't pick and choose. I just feel that now I'm finally trying to trust people again and I get burned. I don't think people care about me as much as I care about them. I don't know that of course but lately I just haven't felt it as much. Maybe it's not the caring part, but more of the trust. I give people 100% of my trust and try to be a good listener and communicator. But it's a two-way street. Sometimes I feel like the only car on the road. I finally have great things in my life and I want to hold on so tight that it's almost too much, then I back off and feel like I'm slipping away and not holding on. I have to put faith in people when I don't think they put faith in me. It's not just one person and that's the problem. It's so many little things that I'm beginning to wonder who I'm really afraid of. I think I'm afraid... of me. The expectations I have just disappoint me when I don't reach them and I don't know how to lower the bar. The world spins and you either get lost in the vortex or run with it. I always thought I was in the vortex, just turns out, I'm one of the few running with it. I just don't want to finish the race alone. don't let the music stop, keep listening to the lyrics, and live. Love with all your heart, take a risk with me, and I'll prove that I'm worth it.

I'm scared. I normally don't admit to that but I am. I don't know about what, but for some reason I can't shake this feeling of overwhelmed emotion. Little things trigger these huge scenarios in my head and then I can't stop thinking about it and it just leaves me with worry and stress. I just want to curl up in a little ball and hide from the world for a bit. But that's cowardice. I just wish I could clear my head. Even for an hour...
I just keep reminding myself of the good things that I have in my life. I have to in order to make it. Family, friends, love, boyfriend, a future... I just wish I had a few more answers. or a hug. haha

My deepest thought is thinking.
My deepest fear is fearing,
The truth becomes endearing.

Embrace emotions in flawless form,
Through experience novelty is born,
Reality has now been torn.

Existence is a fickle thing,
Insanity it now will bring,
Don't forget to stop and sing.

The tables hop,
The sounds will pop,
Whatever you do: don't let the music stop

Writer's Block

I'm taking a break from studying, I can't seem to finish this paper so I'm writing here to try and free up my writer's block and stuff. I don't really know where to start. I had a great weekend. Got to skype with the most amazing boyfriend... I miss him a lot. :(
I partied a little. Slept, and now I'm just trying to do some homework. I have so many things on my checklist that I don't know how I'm going to check them all off in time. I need to take a step back, slow down and have some more fun. I really miss swimming.

Feeling free, open, powerful, agile... gah! Just to feel being underwater. My mind can slow down, everything makes sense, and I just... exist. It's pure freedom. I feel safe when I'm swimming.

It reminds me of being with my boyfriend. he makes it so easy to just breath and relax. Even just skyping, I feel a little bit better every time I see him. I finally got to hear him sing. It was so beautiful. I don't care that he thinks he's a bad singer. He's not, his tone, the feeling behind the music. It's so amazing. I really wish we lived closer :/ Just to hug him, see him, play with his hair and look into those stunningly perfect eyes.

Friendly advice,

My friend was just in a really bad break up, and everyone was giving sympathy on Facebook and trying to be good friends. Everything they said just didn't seem like it would help so I put this:

Don't give up, even though it hurts the happiness is worth some of the sadness. And it can teach you a lesson. You grow stronger and smarter. Until you're ready and you and your true love will find each other. It's harder to stand up in the face of adversity than to love for eternity.

Maybe it can help someone else too.

Brody: the explorer

I can't worry too much, in hopes that somehow making me worry will solve the problem. Because it doesn't. I'm trying to sort things out and take a breath. It's a new thing for me. haha. But it's already helped.

I had problems falling asleep last night, I missed my guy, I had so much to do, and I was so tired. I was so tired I forgot that I was trying to actually sleep. I finally realized that I can't worry about things when I'm laying down so I started counting my blessings so to speak. I'm in love with the most amazing guy, my family loves me, I'm in school, I have food, shelter... etc and I realized I went into the deepest most restful sleep I've had in a very long time. I'm also happier than I've ever been! :)
I had lunch with Christina and I have some of the most amazing friends and people in my life. No matter how things work out, I'll always be able to take a breath, I can handle anything. I'm strong, I've gotten here, and I will get to an amazing place in life. My stress started to get to me today when I realized that I do it to myself for the wrong reasons. That's why it overwhelms me. So I need to stand up, do what's best for me and for everyone else. Time to grow up a little again. My world is my playground, my office and my adventures. Time to become an explorer :p

Fallen

I had the most amazing weekend ever. There aren't any words to explain it. I spent a day and a half with the most amazing guy in the entire world. I haven't been able to stop thinking about him all day. I cried a little when he left. I'm so happy he came down here. it made my year.
He's so amazing. Gorgeous, best laugh... funny, a great story teller, caring, outgoing, relaxed and at times a little too easy going. haha.

I feel safe with him. And I want him to feel safe with me. We've both been hurt and I feel that we're both really cautious... but no matter how fast this began, I haven't felt more right. More... In love. I'm scared, nervous, excited, everything. I've never felt this many emotions at once. I can't wait to see him again.

I hope this doesn't sound too mushy or anything, if it does, then so be it. I've never felt like this before. Just seeing him smile makes my heart jump, or hearing his heart beat. The smell of his hair, the feeling of his hands in mine. Everything. Those ridiculously gorgeous eyes: Blue, green and silver. So gorgeous. when he blushes, or when he's thinking. He's amazing. When he gets excited and makes these cute little noises. My apartment is empty and it feels weird, him not being here. Like we've known each other for a lot longer. I trust him, and it's all new to me.

If he's reading this he should know: I love you.

See you soon Baby Boy

Stranded

I'm trying to understand... but I don't. I'm not sure how to do this, or where to go. I'm happy, scared, disappointed, worried, stressed, tired, think too much, and push too hard.
I thought I was getting back what I was putting into this. I'm not sure. I hope I'm proven wrong. If not then it's back to locking things away.

If I'm disappointed and I get my hopes up only to have them crushed... it's going to be a while before my defenses go down. if ever. This is the first time some of those walls will be down at all. My hearts out there, and if it gets sent back... I'm just going to pray it's in one piece this time.

Everything is overwhelming, I can't concentrate and I'm trying to keep school as my priority. I feel like I've just shuffled stress around rather than actually relieved any. All these plans and ideas have started making set backs. I hope I can bounce back. I don't even know what I'm doing. There's no plan.
Hilary said it, we're the elect. we're the brains of the future because our generation doesn't have the ability to think.

I've always loved paradise, I think I just built and island and built it so far away no one knows where it is... and I'm just praying a life boat comes a shore.

Ramblings of a mad man

I know what I know. You never really see yourself like others do. Crazy Right?!?!?! I'm stating the freaking obvious. But seriously, I don't know when I'm going to see what others see. Like my guy, he sees so much in me that I don't. Jessi, she sees so many things that I didn't really ever know. Today, my supervisor said some of the most amazing things about me. Maybe I'm starting to believe them, after all, the people in our circles are our mirrors of self reflection. We are our toughest critics, also some of our greatest enablers, but I think that there's a lesson to learn from everyone we meet. There's always something to gain. It doesn't matter how long you've known them or whether the interaction was good or bad. I don't really know what I'm trying to say here. I'm mostly rambling trying to get words out. But for the most part. I think that every person I met was in my life for a reason. I also know that everyone lies. Life is about finding the Truth, or picking the best liar. I lie, everyone has little white lies here and there. But I try and make the best effort to be honest. I'm hoping that it gets me somewhere. I've seen where lies get you, and that's not a place that I'm going to end up being in. I will not compromise my integrity for the sake of others.