Defined

The more I look back, the more I remember why I don't. The seconds tick by, secret after secret. Lie after lie. This is what the last 8 years have been. I don't know where we go from here but I do know I'm going to need to make a few changes in order to get my life ready after graduation. I really hope for the best. Because the alternative is going to take a lot strength.
Every time I think I'm in the clear someone pulls me back in. I'm no stranger to pain, but I'm new to anger, hatred, and malice. These are the situations that define us

Look into my crystal ball...

I went to Branson, MO. and while we were there we went to a psychic. she told me a lot of accurate things and it sort of scared me, then she told me that "You've already met your true love, although it may not have developed into that yet." That makes me... paranoid! she told me a lot of other things and I can't stop thinking about it.

I want to be in love, if I've already met him... I wonder who it is. :)

Grow

"I don't want to grow up" "I'm just a kid"

I've heard it all the time. In many ways, and many forms. I didn't have that option. I was forced to grow up. I was told things as a kid that kids shouldn't have to hear. I dealt with things no kid should deal with and I grew up. I grew up fast. My siblings didn't have to, they actually regressed into childhood. I'm 20, I look almost 22, and I'm told I act 30. I'm kind of a mess when it comes to who I am. I've had a long road that no one really understands, not many probably ever will. I have a virus in my eyes that makes walking outside painful, I have constant fatigue, symptoms of depression, anxiety disorders, and problems with unmet expectations. I've been through a lot and I'm still here. I know what it takes to get through some of life's hard trials. I just thought that's what everyone does and that's what everyone understands... turns out that it's not. People don't get it, they want me to sit and listen to their problems with attention and then they don't give a damn about what's going on with me. A lot goes on with me, my mind is constantly trying to rationalize things. I want to just yell at people. I yelled at my sister Sunday, I've never really felt good about getting aggressive. I stood up for my friends, for diversity, and for me. I loved it. I just don't understand the shit that comes out of her mouth. The attitude she has or the way she uses people. The laziness, the bitchiness, all of it. We weren't raised like that, and people don't deserve that treatment. I'm mad at her, my Dad, and disappointed in them.

I just want to go home, or whatever it is that makes me happier. I don't feel like i belong here or that this is my world. Texas isn't for me at all. My family is falling apart. Now I've just got me. I do have friends but it's not the same. I've gotten me here so I'll get myself elsewhere. :) Happy Holidays

Part 1

7 years ago, you asked us to make a decision. Houston, or Alaska. It changed my world forever. In so many ways, in so many places. It did things to me you'll never comprehend. First, you ripped me from my life. I was a boy, in an awkward phase. Terrified of the world. Hoping... that my decision to move to Texas would keep our family together. Looking back... I never should have let it happen. But I couldn't have seen what would happen. I left my friends, my plans, my family, my pets, my memories, and my life in Wyoming. Everything I had ever worked for. I walked away from for our family. Not for you, I did this for my sister, my brother and my mother. I've told people for years awful things about you. I've resisted the idea of liking you. I STILL hate my birthday because I've shared it with you. After we got to Texas, I was invisible to you. I remember you saying things I wasn't supposed to hear when I was standing in the same room. I remember you never being there for me. Mom was there when I cried from pure depression, you weren't. I lost 45lbs in a month, I never left the house and my only happiness was a TV show that you made fun of me for watching. I had ONE concert for band that you were invited to, you showed up late. I was inducted into JNHS at the last second and you showed up 2 names before mine was called. I'm at the last of the line. You were drunk on our birthday, you never came home and instead went to bars and out with friends. I hated Texas, and I told you that. You never noticed.

We had a meeting to tell you why we wanted to go back to Texas, and I told you that I was bullied on the bus, alone, scared, forgotten, sad, unnoticed and damaged. But you loved your job. I tried to kill myself twice in Texas, you didn't even know. I asked mom to let me move back to Wyoming over Christmas Break. I didn't want to leave grandma and grandpa's. It's still one of the only places I feel safe and at home at.

The only day in Texas that I remember feeling truly happy... was the day that Mom said she was taking me back to Wyoming. I knew that day, I would be okay. From then on I got better, I grew up fast to help Mom and be strong when I could. I cried, shut myself up in my room, hid from the world... I saw mom go through Hell, I saw Dillon destroy himself, and I saw Danielle fight to hold on to whatever she could. I worked to try and help Mom, I helped Dillon and Danielle with school. I helped Grandma and Grandpa. I worked to repair what you broke, because guess what? YOU did this. We didn't leave you. WE decided, to take our shity broken lives and save ourselves. YOU decided to stay and have the job of your dreams. What did that do to you? How could you blame my mother? The only one who was there to save me, the one who lost so much and did all of this for her kids. What did you leave? What did you give up? Remember all the old friends you don't talk to? The Family you had? You gave that up to take us to Texas, then blamed us for not liking your decisions. Your mother once told me I was a horrible son for abandoning my father. Funny part is, you are my biological father, and you were never a major part in my life for as far back as I can remember. You never really existed to me. Not as someone I wanted to invest in. you never invested in me. I went through high school praying to get out. I was alone, afraid, and broken. Then mom and Danielle were going to move back. They left me for you, and I was okay because I thought at least you could take care of them and protect them. Turns out you lied to us all and drug it out longer. Do you realize the damage you've done? Do you see what you're about to do? This is part one, of a lot of venting to come. Be prepared.

Mixing feelings

I don't know what to think really, my mind has been racing all the time for as long as I can really remember. All I know, is that I want to get to know him more. I want to see where things go, or I hope they go somewhere anyway. It's a nice change of pace to have a quiet guy to hang out with, but I feel as if I talk too much already. haha. Which I can be known to do. I just like him. for a lot of reasons, and it's new and exciting. So after Christmas Break I can resume to knowing more about him, I just hope he's there when I get back and still available. It makes my heart warm to think about it. haha.

Today I worked at this boutique VIP night thing, it's so hard to put on a fake smile for these people. I don't mean to have such a harsh tone but I can't stop myself. Tomorrow is going to be a true test. and I'm so nervous. I have to talk to my dad about everything that has bothered me for years. I hope I can have peace of mind and move on after tomorrow. We'll see.

Through everything, I still know that life moves on, I'm just hoping it moves in a steady and reliable direction.

Word Vomit

I have no real idea what I'm doing. I'm about to go to Texas and have a life changing conversation. With all that's gone on I've lost a lot of my motivation. I need an answer to move on and apparently my family thinks I'm out last resort. Which makes me even more nervous.

But at the same time, some good things have happened that I'm really excited about :) Things happen in some interesting ways. I can't wait to see where things go. And I'm excited to hang out with my mom any my sister.

Reality always comes back though, school starts and I'm going to be taking a full load of classes, and an internship, and I'm applying for Summer Orientation. so many great opportunities and so many unique ways to go about things. I'm still scared. I'm still afraid of being lonely. But I have great friends. I'm hoping we can make it through things together. I'm running out of trust. Especially lately, the saying "They're an "ex" for a reason." is becoming more apparent by the second. I'm tired of the petty fights, the narcissism, the drama, irresponsibility, immaturity, disrespect and whatever the hell other reasons that irritate the living daylight out of me.

I won't stick up for you, I won't give you good recommendations and I'm tired of trying to be your friend. I think... this means... I'm done. I have more important things to worry about in the future. The one that you're obviously not a part of. I've given people far too many chances to fix things. I'm going to see that it doesn't happen again.

The clock strikes.

I'm not ok... I've lied for so long, and kept a smile. Told people that I'm not overwhelmed or that I can handle it. I can't. There are so many things, coming from all sides, that I can't concentrate. Things are slipping through the cracks.

I wish it were possible to sleep for three days straight! I just want a break, or a day when I have no cares or worries. Or a night where someone just cuddles up to me and spends the night watching movies. I want simple. Just a moment of clarity. But no, life is a test, one that no one passes at the end. We still try to make things better, different, more exciting... I just want to feel accomplished. Loved, cared for, thought of, desired.... something real and special. I want someone to not lie to me, for them to love me back, and to connect to someone on the highest level possible. Who knows when I'll find that... I doubt here. I doubt know but I don't know that. I just want someone to rely on. That's near me, and will always be here. Apparently I'm asking too much, so.... I'll go about my day, with a smile on my face... and live. Before time runs out.

Dusting things off

Things change, tides shift, the planet spins and time waits for no man. I've been through God knows what, and I'm still standing. Turns out though, standing up again and again is exhausting. But you get up, dust yourself off and get a move on. There's no time to cry, or mope, or explain myself. I just put on my shoes and walk out the door. My life is greater than you would think. I have to make the most with what I have and deal with what I don't. Growing up isn't easy, try growing up when you're 14, then again at 16, knowing you're supposed to be a kid and mess up, enjoy life. I didn't get that luxury. I mess around in college and I've made my mistakes. That doesn't mean that I'm not grown up. People keep telling me how grown up I am, it scares me. There's no going back, no growing back down. I'll still be me, I'll be too old for my age, too young for my own good, and left in a void that no one understands.

So I pick myself up, dust myself off and put on my game face. Welcome to life... it's here and it's not going away.

It's cute you write like a 13yr old girl but...

I haven't blogged in a while, and now I'm about to rant about a lot of things here.

First off, when blogging, I find it mildly ridiculous to post your link on Facebook after EVERY blog post. You have a damn blog to keep that shit OFF OTHER SITES!!!!! If people really wanted to know you, or really liked what you wrote they would read your blog and not need the incessant reminders of your non-sense spewing into other sectors of the networking world.

Next, DO NOT, I REPEAT DO, FUCKING, NOT write in a 3rd person. 3rd person arguments need to be left in research papers and politics where they belong. You don't sound more intelligent by writing in a 3rd voice. It disconnects you from the audience and leaves the reader thinking that the information is A) Not relevant to them B) unimportant or C) a waste of time reading. AND, this gets better, and! you sound like a damn fool! Read this sentence:

1st person: I love my best friend, she is so amazing.

3rd person: One loves their best friend, that person is amazing.

How fucking emotionless does that sound? Seriously, bore someone else with your 13 year old dramatic writing. I understand I have a blog, and it's to express myself. That's true. But it's not to write down emotionless babble and then re-post it to Facebook for attention. The only people I tell to read my blog are those who matter to me and can get a new insight into my mind and emotions. NOT to have my own personal journal to write 3rd person, American Teen Girl entries and broadcast it to all your fake friends.

My writing is personal, it matters to pretty much only me and whatever the reader interprets. True writing comes from the heart and the soul, not from stealing words from a website to make you seem more intelligent. There are true brilliant writers out there. You, I'm not sorry to say, aren't one of them. So re-think your audacity, write like you speak, and then one day you'll realize the truth of writing and the power it possesses. Until then, I'll continue to harshly criticize your writing and avoid reading future posts.

Ze Bitch

I keep having people tell me to "Focus on the Positives". That's sweet, but I'm a realist. I know this world isn't unicorns and rainbows. I know I have a lot of great things in my life, but when do the good outweigh the bad? I have work to do myself. I just wish I wasn't having to do this alone. I'm so tired. and so hurt. I'm waiting for the messages to come in and out, the truth to reveal itself and for time to make a difference. Unfortunately, I have the answers and I just need to focus on me and how I can better my "inner" self. Otherwise I'm left with an invisible soul that no one can see, and we don't want that.

I need to get back to what makes me happy. Swimming, photography, and obviously my security blanket (Charmed). This is life, the real world, and it's a bitch. Time to stand up and deal with it. No more running, no more excuses. It's time.

Oh the places

Today is the most ridiculous roller coaster of feelings, ideas and conceptions. First off, I had an amazing night with a BEYOND wonderful guy. He's spectacular, different, genuine, fascinating and completely incredulous. Four hours of talking, a little bit of inebriation and some other recreational activities made up the most amazing night I've had in... I don't even know how long. Not to set my goals too high but I'm a little "twitterpated". I hope he likes me back. I haven't been this excited for so long that I'm scared to lose it. He listens to me, most people just try and give you advice or turn it back to them. He doesn't, he's pretty much amazing. With things being so different I've never really seen something like this coming. It's at the perfect time, I have one last ray of hope that things can change. And in a second, they did. So even though this is vague and not interesting to really anyone but me, I'll leave you with this:

There are brains in your head, there are feet in your shoes, you can steer yourself in any direction you choose, you're on your own, and you know what you know. And you are the guy who'll decide where to go. -Dr. Seuss

Not black and white

In my world, there's a lot of grey. The lines set in black and white are created in a heterosexual world. The gay world has a new set of rules. The 80's and even the 90's have some interesting facts and images to show. Now this is the new decade. 2011 is a very interesting time. So far it's been a roller-coaster through Hell. One we're not getting off any time soon. I feel bad for the younger community. Not the "younger" but mearly the 18-20 year age range because they have to deal with the world being more open. It's great that there's a societal shift but the generation coming into the real world are so open that they take emotions for granted. They're afraid, excited, nervous, distracted and sometimes unforgiving. That comes with the territory. I just wish it wasn't so hard on them. I am a strong person, but not every one is. I hope that people start growing up and treating others with respect.

Lions and Snooki and Sluts OH MY!!!

It's that time of year again my pretties! My all time favorite celebration that has now been highjacked by the GUD DANG CANDY COMPANIES!!!!!!!!!!!! OR!!!!! Formerly known as "All Hallows Eve" Halloween is BACK!!! and I loves it! But really... let's get down to candy corn and fish nets. The holiday representing the day to celebrate and remember the dead has turned into let-us-out-slut-one-another-day. Which I am guilty of taking part in, but as most of you should know I believe in the supernatural. Halloween is a time to welcome the convergence on energy, celebrate the harvest, and welcome the dead back to Earth for a night of happiness. Granted it's also scary, eerie and some people need reality checks on acceptable costumes but hey, I'm just throwing it out there. There's so much more to this day that people take for granted and it fascinates me that people use this "american based holiday" to satisfy irrelevant needs. (once again I'm guilty of a few of these stereotypes) but I never forget what Halloween is and what it means to me. I've always been the "odd kid out" in my family (no gay jokes intended). I love the Halloween/scary movies, haunted houses, decorations, pumpkins and all... Every year I get so jazzed I could pee!!!! They key to my heart? A haunted house, followed by a scary movie and cuddling. END OF STORY... I'm not one for trick or treating because my mom never let me as a kid so I get no satisfaction from asking strangers for candy (weird I know) so I continue to throw badass parties or go to badass parties. The energy I get on Halloween is irreplaceable to all other holidays. This is just another FASCINATING look into the mind of ME. MUhahahahahahahhahahahahaahahahahahahhhahaahahahah

Seasons of Psycho-babble

Lately I have not been able to write and finish my own thoughts. The overwhelming school year and life have put my thought process in a flux of entropy. So, maybe tonight I can finish a damn thought. Today was not my best day; we'll start here. Because I'm tired, grumpy, was hungover and inspired by laziness I did not go to class, or to my group meeting. I DID turn in all necessary work and inform the necessary people of my absence (in all fairness). I then preceded to drop Psychology from my majors and focus mainly on Communication. Yay for communicating! (side tangent: I just put my glasses on and enhanced my reading capabilities by 1000%) I had an amazing lunch with Christina Currie and went back to my apartment to pray my headache away. I then watched Ferngully whilst trying to force myself to study or sleep which both did not see the light of victory. I began to clean and do dishes which resulted in minimal success, which I could be mildly proud of. Following such a fun filled activity, I went to LHS' High School football shame, I mean game, with Emily Simpson. Where my butt froze and went numb, but I was able to see Natalie perform at half-time and she was amazing! All in all it sounds like a decent day right? Here's the flip side to this tarnished coin:

All morning I couldn't sleep well. Last night I walked home from work at 3am in the freezing cold, alone, for 18 blocks. I was paranoid, cold, and tired. Not a good combination. The smell in the air made my nose hurt and brought back some flash backs of the -40 degree week last semester and I pushed those painful images out of my head real quick like(insert southern drawl). After that lovely night I woke up to 4-5 texts from various people, some worth less than the time it took me to sit up and read the name on the text line. Then I slept for an hour until my alarm went off and I then sat awake for an hour. In that hour I began to think about so many things that I can't explain it. But as if by some Karmic bitch slap in the face I remembered something. The cold, the smell, the feel, the daylight, and all the signs pointed to one thing. This was Fall and I don't like Fall. For the most part Fall is nice, I can wear cute clothes, pumpkin spice lattes come back and Halloween comes around and is my favorite holiday. But Fall reminds me of things that I wish I didn't remember. For starters... my ex. Fall was the first time in college, first time kissing a boy, and first time being with someone. The dates, the experiences, the fun and sorrow all come flooding back with the sound of blowing leaves and the spine chilling breeze. Then the tiny pain needles come reminding me of all those past memories of the season and I want to almost break down and cry but it's not worth it I lie to myself. It's just another season and it's a new year. Well BULLSHIT. It's still Fall and each year I fall in one way or another. So far, my fall is about neutral. 50/50 on the emotional scale and I'm waiting to see which way it will tip.

I'm tired... as I've said before. I'm hoping that quitting 2 jobs, one club and dropping a major will help me learn to breathe and focus more on me. I have some amazing things in my life. I would like to enjoy them. Things are turning around in parts of my life that are setting me up for great achievement and fun. The things that are bringing me down are strong. I'm stronger. I just need to tough things out a little longer and keep my goals in mind. I can make it through this. I've been through worse and will have more hurdles in the future. But I don't care. Bring it on because I CAN do this, I WILL do this and NO ONE will stop me from being me. Fall is not my best season. But... I can make it the best season yet if I add a little faith, perseverance, and fun to the mix.

Fall is when you transition to the peril of Winter. Fall is when the last sign of Summer leaves the scenery. Fall is the time of remembrance. It's time to make things worth remembering. :)

Forget me not

I'm starting to remember the old me. It's been a long time coming but hey, better late than never. I had a great little chat with Nicholas today, it was good seeing him. He reminded me of something I've forgotten, something I've misplaced. It's good to have that back now. I can't wait to see if I can create enough willpower to see where I'm going. I have a lot of plans for the future. Most importantly I'm going to try and make myself happy again.

This year I have new friends, new ideas and new goals. I'm doing so many things that I'm wearing myself thin but it's who I am I guess. The clubs I'm in are so fun though!

I look forward to Spectrum every week! It's the best part of my week. I can't wait to work with the members and the board we can do what Spectrum does.... which is basically AWESOME!!!!

The Shepard Symposium is going so smoothly and I can't wait to apply to intern for them in the Spring!

I love being involved with ASUW Committee and it's great to see both side of the coin.

Corporeality

Sitting, numb... holding away thoughts. Praying tomorrow brings something bright. My day was shattered by the illusion of a successful day... crying again... after I thought I couldn't cry anymore. Turns out to not be the truth. This time, I can't lie to myself. I have to believe what I believe and move on. I hurt, but it's going to make me better. I just don't what to do this time, everything is different. The future is as bright as you make it, the present isn't gloomy enough to make me want the rain, it's just gray. Purgatory traps the lost souls that leave Earth. What if I never left? What's a lost soul trapped on Earth called? It can't be lost if you know where you are. Mostly drained of energy. Once again I feel that something has been ripped from me. I don't feel it, I know it. My head hurts, and dulls the pain in my heart, but then reminds me of why I hurt in the first place. All I ask is for the right comfort I just don't know where to look. There's a point after avoiding a mirror, that once you look at you're reflection you're shocked. Right now, i'm having a hard time seeing anything. I'm fading into a pit of the down trodden. But corporealization comes with inner knowledge. Only I can make the changes to reappear.

Deadly Sins

I'm becoming an increasingly angry person. I'm not really good with that. I'm sarcastic, grumpy, jokingly angry but never really experience anger.... until now. It's growing and building and I really don't want to talk about it so I'm writing about it. I'm looking at things very pessimistically and trying to re-route my life in a better direction. Mostly, I'm mad at people who think things about themselves that they shouldn't. I'm tired of it. Arrogance, justifiable ignorance?, deception, lack of respect, and just a lack of human decency. I'm pretty much done with it all but it's unavoidable. Who can avoid it? not even Britney Spears avoided drama. I don't know what to do so basically I'm hoping people get over their bullshit and grow up a little. But I don't expect that much from people in this town. Stuck in their small town, high school minds, waiting for others to do everything for them. I was hoping for some positive change this year and so far I'm back to trusting the same people that I've known since freshmen year and I think I'm going to keep it that way.

Pretty Little Larai-liars

Once again it's some ungodly hour in the night/morning and I'm about to write out some of my burning ideas and throw them onto those who will read this or won't. I'm tired. I'm tired of the bullshit and complications that come with working with other people. I've been told I'm rude and honest... YOU'RE FUCKIN' RIGHT I AM! I hear it all the time "I want honest people." "I'm the most honest person you'll meet." That's an outright, damned lie. Everyone lies, EVERYONE, no one is immune to it but little things here and there are easily ignored. Just don't try and us the same bullshit excuses on me. Tell me what you're thinking and feeling and I'll respect you more as a person. Use me, lie about it and treat me like crap and see how far that gets you. I won't be there in the end when you need me to unless YOU treat ME with the same respect I give my friends. It really IS that plain and simple. Sure I lie, once in a while, I fib, stretch or exaggerate things. When I need to be though, I am completely honest and genuine. Most people, I'm finding out again, aren't. This shouldn't be new to me but it means that I need to reevaluate my faith in people. Laramie especially, people are filled into these roles and rumors and everyone knows everyone's fucking business. Guess it's time to break that. So just know that second chances are earned, third chances are rare, and after that... you'll see what happens.

Proverbial Needle

I had a great night tonight. :) I got to see my Jessi! I had lunch with Christina today and I spent my night with Tino, Mitch and Chuck... and to think I didn't want to go out tonight. I could've spent my night reading or watching charmed but I didn't. I got up and had a great time! Therefore leads me into the night shift and too much free time on my hands. I'm trying to slowly, one-by-one, delete pictures of me or "untag" myself from them... turns out 935 pictures are a lot to go through. More than I anticipated, some old memories seemed to have seeped into my consciousness. I've tried remembering the good times but I'm better off not remembering at all. I wish it would go away. This seems to be a blemish on my past that won't go away. Some day it will fade beyond my knowing, but for now it's caught in this strange abyss. We'll see how things turn out in the end I guess. I've a lot more deleting to do.

On a happy note. One of the best things happened to me. I held a boys hand. It's a small gesture but it makes me feel so happy! It makes me smile a lot even at 4am as I write this. The butterflies in my stomach race and I can't wait to see what comes from the future. It's funny how the smallest of things makes the greatest of differences.

Sorting gays and Freshmen Days

So I’m guilty, I study people. I sit in the Union or in coffee shops, planes, airports, stores, gas stations, streets, malls, and TV and I watch people. It fascinates me! But there’s nothing like a UW College campus to get me “peeply senses” tingling. And to the Freshman Class of 2011 I congratulate you. You have not only stooped to unimaginable senses of fashion but have also confused my gaydar with your pretty faces and affinity for Hollister Brand clothing. Men I do have to give you props for your courage in wearing pink, but I now have to try 3 times as hard to sort out the gays from the pretty straight boys. Girls, every year you seem to shock me with your lack of good fashion. Everyone is entitled to their style but uggs and booty shorts in August, or anytime for that matter, are INSANELY TACKY AND SHOULD NOT BE DONE MORE THAN ONCE! If ever. The fake blondes and bad tans, guys with too baggy clothes and not enough belts, girls with bad make up, mini-skirts, form fitting leggings, unflattering tube tops… I’m not trying to be rude or judgmental but this is college, if you’re only here to look pretty and snazzy and talk in class, text about boys/girls, and still stay in your high school cliques then you are in the wrong place. College is intimidating to some, and yes humans like familiarity and stay in the safe spots but you need to branch out and find yourselves! This is your time to mess up, try new styles, learn something, grow, make your best friends and live life! If your greatest problem is, which I’ve overheard, is that you’re waiting for the “supa fine boi in Bio to text back” when you’re in Psych class you are NOT paying attention nor getting the most out of this experience. I was a Freshmen once and I’ve had my college phases but I was never a fake, I never gave into the scenes and cliques that everyone this year are so wrapped into, and I stay true to myself. There are tricks to college, the more time you spend on campus the more you’ll know. I am very overly involved and I know a few tricks and can’t wait to learn more. In that regards if you think you can tell me you’re too stressed after your naps and large meals, parties and concerts then you and I are seeing college on 2 very different levels. My idea of tired and your laziness are nowhere near on the same page. I get that it’s a transition and blah, blah, blah but this is no place to sit and waste time whining. I learned fast because in college it’s do or die. Some of you may be learning that faster than you think. I may sound mean and bitter, maybe it’s because I’m a sarcastic asshole sometimes but I do not pretend to be a know-it-all. I just know my experiences, the experiences of others and anecdotal proof of previous students. Most of us are here for you if you need help. I do enjoy helping others and most of us won’t laugh at your questions and are genuinely going to point you in the right direction. In that regard upperclassmen are some of your greatest resources. Just know that YOU are not in charge, YOU have not worked through what we have and if YOU choose disrespect over courteously you’ll find out quickly that this is a small campus and some will vote you off the island. Good luck and God speed newbies. I’ll be seeing you around campus.

Writing from the Hearth

I’m sitting here at 3:44am and wondering what to write about, not that many people will read this… I’m guessing two people one of which being Kelsey. I could talk about school, or work, I could complain or rant, maybe even mock a few people but I’m not really in the mood for any of that. Maybe even talking about life would be a “not-so-great” topic for me right now. Not that things are bad but I feel it unnecessary at the moment. I do need to write something to keep these active readers on the edge of their seats. I just like writing, free expression and thought put into physical words; it makes me feel open and free. Like therapy but cheaper and I don’t get funny questions or asked “what does this Ink Blot say to you?” My mom started my writing obsession when I was in Kindergarten. She told my siblings and I we would be participating in young authors and from then on the little writer in me drug my heels in and refused to write. Once in middle school, I was called some lovely names, made fun of and picked on. I decided I needed to talk to someone but my heart and my head said Don’t, don’t say anything to anyone, keep your head down and one day you’ll make it out. So I kept a journal, of my personal thoughts and hurt feelings; a teenage plethora of rants and unfair treatment. This was the only thing I felt safe telling my secrets to, a flimsy $2 book from Wal-Mart that knew me better than anyone. I was so afraid to talk to the world, who could I trust? Noone. It’s been a journey from then on, to the point I’m at now before you. From books, to journals, to journalism, activism, college, blogging, to the future I am a writer. I may not be a professional but I love writing, I could possibly become a great writer and train myself for the better. Who knows? Sure blogs are mocked and ridiculed but I love mine, and my 13 followers, because no person needs to read this, but it’s out in the open for people to read. People could learn a lot about my “soft side” by reading this. Not many people get this close to knowing me.

gay..all the way

At the GSA Kickoff Camp and it's been an interesting experience to say the least. I think that my presentation went well and it's good to see Lisa and meet Rob, Meg, and the new faces I got to meet here. It's so interesting to see what kids 3 years younger than me don't know about LGBQT History, just to think though only a year ago I was in their place, with little knowledge of G/L History. It's so interesting to re-learn and see what I've been taught and learn new things I didn't pick up in the past. I miss things here and there and getting another chance at knowledge is great to me. :) I can't wait to learn more, Barbara Gittings and Audre Lorde are some of my favorite historical icons.

Well I will add more to this thought later :)

Path Less Traveled

FUN FACT! I'm coming back with a vengeance! By vengeance I mean I'm a happy person. :) although there are always ups and downs I'm extremely happy. I like to think I'm finding me again. I've cut ties with those I should have long ago and I'm sticking to the good friends I have now. I know what kind of people I need in my life. Also, this new information comes with some responsibility. No not like Spiderman's great power/responsibility bull shit... I've taken this trip to Texas to clear my head and it did just that. I've re-connected with my family and I've gained some new knowledge about myself. With that, I know what I have to do, I have to dedicate my life to school. That's why I was so good at it before. I spent all the time could focusing on that goal. School, graduating, good grades, and everything. School needs to become my #1 priority and stay my priority. Which I was always happiest when I was overly involved. :) yes I'm a SUPPA NERD! haha and I'm damn proud of it. I have a lot to look forward to and a lot to accomplish in the next year and a half and I have all the power to do it. It's in my blood after all, instilled in my soul to drive me to the path I'm meant to create. I've found a peace, and an inner ground, to help me. I know that I can once again stand my ground and be myself. Completely convicted in all I know and all I can know in the future. My heart, and God as my witness, I'm going to get to where I need to. No exceptions or pit stops this time. I need this and it's all I've got, my final shot. So here's my journey... beginning a long, fun, hard next few years.

Closer that you think

Finally, I'm in a moment of peace. Things aren't lingering anymore. Or hanging over my head. They're out in the open, in my face and dealt with. I can breathe for once, it may hurt to breathe but I can still push through all the crap and take in sweet, much needed, oxygen. I haven't been able to concentrate or be myself at all lately. It's almost impossible since I haven't really been ME for a while. Things always change and I got lost in the mess, half found myself but didn't hold on long enough. Now all I have is me. This time I'm not letting go. You can bet your ass that I won't.

Lighter side? I'm having the best vacation. I'm getting a chance to get closer to my parents. I love them so much and I'm so happy I get to spend this time with them. It's nice to be seen as an adult, but also as their son. I couldn't be happier. I do miss my friends though, my real ones :). I'm going to be keeping them close this year, very close.

Pathway to Friendship

People walk in and out of a person's life. It happens all the time. They're meant to be there for a purpose, at that time, to make sure you learn what needs to be learned. Well the trick to all of that is really simple. They leave, some yes of course stay. For the most part, they leave. Well in that case there's not much you can do. Be mad, sad, angry, happy, or lonesome but the only way out of that is to see that in the future you'll have great people walk into your world to make it even better and the ones who've stayed in your life will be worth so much and be the most valuable pieces to the puzzle of your history. There will be those people you remember but they may just have to be just that. Memories, and hopefully you can hold on to the good ones like I do.

Sure I talk about some bad ones and such, I'm not the least dramatic person by any means, but I do like to remember the good and not the bad. It makes my thoughts clearer, my heart warmer, and my soul cleaner. I feel dirty holding on to grudges, so I don't hold them. I do remember why people and I no longer get along but I don't hold it against them, just keep things in perspective. For now, I'm in a transition. But I'm working things out and understanding more. So I'm on my way, and I'm looking forward to keeping good people in my life, and keeping the door open for more great people to come into it.

Face: 2

I may do things differently, but I know what I'm doing and normally I'm right. For those of you who know me, I follow a simple pattern. I have a specific demeanor and I do things my way. For those of you who don't know me. I'm social but reserved, I try and see the bigger picture at all times and I don't stray from the goal very often. I may find strange means to accomplish a task but it will be completed correctly and to the utmost of my efficiency. Questioning me and my motives will only get you into a deeper hole that I'm NOT going to dig you out of. Face the consequences, do your job and know your boundaries. I'm not going to baby people and be the nice guy anymore. I've been acting like my old self lately. Guess what, my old self was a dick. So be prepared world. the new and more efficient Brody is coming to town.

Unseen Treasures

I don't really know how this works... my heart still hurts for some reason and I don't think that I'm in the clear yet for my emotional state. I read things on FB, blogs, twitter and all kinds things and if you can help someone that's great but I feel that some try and force others into feeling they aren't ready for. Or expose them in ways they may not want to be exposed in. I may help people from time to time, I don't even think people listen to my advice I know some certain few really don't ever listen to me but if I reach one or two people in my lifetime then I've done more than a lot of others. I just don't see where power and praise get to a persons' head they think "Hey, now I know more than them and can force them to change"... wrong. You can't, people have to deal and learn on their own. NEWS FLASH: YOU can't control what others feel. How could you? You don't know, you can't change it, sure you can be a friend and listen but the real question here is CAN you listen? I find it funny those who truly think they "help" a lot of others, don't listen to a damn thing they say. It's just " well that sucks, but here's what you should do...". Sometimes people just need you to listen. Half the time you're not even there to listen to them, the rest you're riding in on your high horse to dish out advice you can't even take. Not many really care anymore, why would they? They get few things out of the situation so why help? It's just sad that there are so many out there "helping" but they're really just stalling the normal process of healing because they're more broken than the people they try to help. My advice is to try being a real friend, the rewards are far greater than you'll know.

My Family Tree may be trimmed from time to time but that doesn't mean there aren't new branches to grow

I'm starting to realize and understand certain aspect of my life more and more. I used to think I had a handle on things but then I realized that this world is so dynamic that it's not about how well prepared you are, it's about how well you handle yourself in the moment. I've tried rationalizing others opinions in my head, why they do things, what drove them to it, and I finally had an epiphany... I don't care. They can think, feel and say all they want but it doesn't matter. I'm becoming indifferent to parts of what others say because I know the truth. I owned up to my mistakes and waited for the consequences. Nothing happened other than a few minor events that will pass through my memory before the years over. I know who truly belongs in my life and people come in and out of it for a reason.

My gram tells me from time to time that "family is forever, friends will come and go" I should've paid more attention than I had. I miss my family a lot and we've grown apart over the years. Drifting into our own places and doing our own things. I miss them a lot. Some of my best memories are with my family.

Gram and Gramp Skinner: they practically are my second set of parents. They've saved me more times than I can count, and they always remember to call. They taught me some of the greatest life lessons that I'll forever be indebted to them for. Their house is the only place in the world that I can truly feel at home. Not that other places aren't great but it's the one place I can feel in my soul that I belong and am welcome.

Gram and Grandpa Tate: From you I learned the simple parts of life that make things great, from picking raspberries to arrowheads. I miss making hot rolls, and spending weekends with Gram just watching TV together while she crocheted . To this day Grandpa is the only one to call me BC. I won't ever forget that, or the smell of their house in Evanston. I miss them both. I should probably call gram more often haha.

Mom and Dad: I love my parents. We've had some rocky times but I thank God, every chance I get, that they're still in my life. I have my mom's passion and creativity with my dad's intelligence and work ethic. They amaze me, in all that they've done and all that they've done for my family. I miss them all the time, especially my mom, I was always a momma's boy. I get to see them once in a while when I can but I wished that I could be closer to them and see them more often. I get to see them in less than 24 hours and I cannot wait!

Dillon: Oh what to say about Dillon... well... he may be stubborn and irritating from time to time but I love him. I'm proud of where he's gotten himself in his career path and all he's done with work. He's my big brother and I still feel like he's better than me haha I guess it's a sibling thing that won't go away. I miss our stupid jokes, and riding with g-pa. Back in the bonfire days. When it was just so easy and simple. You knew your place at that age.

Danielle: Oh you little turd. Haha I do love you even though we haven't gotten along since you were born. I miss having stupid fun with you on all of our trips and watching stupid movies together. haha. You've accomplished a lot through some really rough times and I'm so proud of you. Sometimes you do some things that make me shake my head but that doesn't mean I'm not proud. I love you.

Mel, Shane, Bridger, and Beeb: Haha oh geez, you Crittendens. I'm so thankful for the summer I spent with you. It was one of the greatest summers to date because I spent it with family and I had a chance to find more out about myself. I'll never forget Shane telling me to go for my dreams on New Years back when I was 16 or 17 that's stuck with me all through college, my dreams have shifted but I'm still going for them. I've always looked up to you Melanie. You've always amazed me and we've had some of the greatest times I can remember haha. I even miss you too Bridger and Brayden. You can be little turds but I like taking you to the pond and parks just like your mom used to do for me as a kid.

Cory, Kevan, Abbie, Owan: I don't get to see you guys very often and I'm hoping I can change that soon. But I do wish I could see more of you guys. I miss watching movies and talking to you Cory, I no longer have a scary movie partner to laugh at during the movies and rub the comb during the grudge ;) haha and Kevan you are always fun to be around haha. Prank calling me back in the day and playing Tekken with us. That is still the best game to date that I've ever played. Abbie and Owan you are some of the most creative and interesting kids I've met. Always into new hobbies and activities and you're always having fun. I admire that innocence.

Scott, Audrey, Kade, Mindy, Nat, Snoopy, Pepper, Emme: I miss spring breaks with you guys and going to Lake Powell. Those are some of the best times I remember on family vacations. Going all the way back to seeing the Hoover Dam and Reno for the family reunion/Great Gram Skinners birthday party. Kade and Nat you and I had some of the dumbest fun I can remember. Kade you and I would drive the whoopie and go to the mud pit, camp out, sing to the CD's in the car until 2am and watch Charmed until we couldn't stay up. Naaaaaaaaat!! I think you and I have seen enough scary movies to scar freddie kruger. Hopkins class, hunan, having gram call us out, chinese fire drills and taking the fourwheeler :) haha great great times. Mindy, we had a blast in high school and I had so much fun at your and Kade's wedding. I'm glad you're now apart of the family :)

now I know I've missed a lot but this is just off the top of my head I just want you all to know how much I appreciate you all :)

there are some other members o my family.

Kelsey, Lindsay, and the Brinkerhoffs: You guys are my oldest friends, we've made it though everything since I was 5. even the handcuff incident ;) haha from playing dinosaurs, chicken, barbies, in the mud at the park, the "frog ponds" and riding bikes we still talk like we never left each other. haha you are the funniest people I've ever met and I cannot stop laughing when I'm around you two. never a dull moment :) I love you guys.

Christina: You've been the greatest friend to me since I've met you. I miss our talks and you always know just what to say whether I want to hear it or not. From Karaoke to Concerts and Kathy Griffin I won't forget the time I spent with you. I love you so much you're my big sister! and PS we need to road trip it soon.

Uncle Pat, Aunt Jill, Ethan and Eli: You are the cutest family in the world, not to mention the best chaperones in the history of high school trips. Ever since the grand canyon you guys have always been my favorites! When you didn't even know Kade and I weren't in the car because we didn't bug the hell out of you and shove licorice in your ears. Hawaii was amazing... falling on turtles, Jill getting pissed, volleyball, coffee, and hiking through VOG. You guys are amazing and I've always thought of you as family even though I haven't seen you guys in about a year. Ethan and Eli are the cutest kids ever! and Ethan is so amazingly smart that I can't even believe it at times. You guys are the awesome Curries!

Mary and John: You guys have been so good to me over the years. Currie you made some high school bearable and took me on some of the most amazing trips that I will never forget. You were one of my best friends in high school and one of two teachers that I actually trusted. I loved being your TA for like.... 2.5 years haha. and taking your classes helped me out so much in college I appreciate everything you've done for me Currie. They always say that it takes one teacher to make or break your academic career. guess which one you were? ;) Love you C-Dawg! Hawaii soon? I think so

Jordyn!: Oh Jordyn, we've met one time for one day and you and I have pretty much talked non stop for a year now. You're so funny and amazing and I love you! I consider you family and one of y best friends even though we're so far apart we are still great friends. and I WILL beat you at scrabble one day...

if I didn't mention others it doesn't mean that I don't love you or consider you family these are just the ones that have been most on my mind and the ones i put into this entry.

Connecting the dots

Finding new connections is never easy, but it's going to be a process that many have to follow throughout their life. It's also a great opportunity that many don't take once they receive them. I've learned throughout MY life that you have to take every opportunity that you can, how else can you learn and grow unless you do something with your life that you may have not planned for. My parents always taught me to try everything even though you may not like it at first, I spent year doing things that I didn't think were fun or exciting but they shaped me and panned out in the end. They helped me out a lot now that I'm in college and now I realize that once again my time has come to figure things out again on my own. I've always done what I had to in order to protect myself. Now it's once again coming back to throw me into a pit of uncertainty. It's also when I'm at my best and most dedicated. So I'm taking this as a new sign of hope and reason. I grow, learn and become a great guy after all of these events.

http://www.stumbleupon.com/su/37PJ1x/www.marcandangel.com/2011/05/15/111-lessons-life-taught-us/

StumbleUpon

Feeling pretty inspirational and I'm loving this website on stumbleupon

http://www.stumbleupon.com/su/9tgT3F/www.fromupnorth.com/2010/10/inspiration-gallery-139-various-quotations/

if you got to www.stumbleupon.com and make a profile you'll find the most amazing assortment of websites that will blow your mind!

That's neither here nor there

I've always been told that I'm strong, or that "you're so strong, I don't know how you do it" when really it's just in my nature to try and move past things that would otherwise hold me back. I grew up fast, I've dealt with a lot and I've got so much more to experience in life. I'm still strong. The good traits that I picked up from my family have always taught me that things will be okay, and I can make it through anything. I've almost committed suicide, moved 12 times, had my heart broken, been beaten, had my friends step on me and kick me when I was down, testified in front of congress, cried myself to sleep and a world of other things happen to me. I'm still here, fighting for something I don't even have yet. :)

hahahaha I had to write this down. I've always thought that some people learn their lessons. Turns out they're so stupid that they don't. Once I Facebook stalk and see pictures and comments making fun of me and then I see pictures of people making a fool of themselves and saying the most immature, arrogant, stupid shit I laugh so hard it hurts. Lessons learned? Not even quite... which means that by the time they learn their lesson it'll be so late that they won't be able to salvage anything. So make your jokes toward me and my friends because you're a bigger joke than I'll ever be.

Kill or Be killed

You know... I'm not really sure what to write about anymore. I'm really confused about everything. But I think I'm supposed to. Let's start with dating. I thought I've always known what I wanted but I really think I've lost all idea of what I want. The fun part? I think it's better that way, why would we get what we want? Would we like it once we have it? Or would we even know it when see it? Would it even be at the "right" time? No, we don't know what we want, we don't get to pick and choose who we fall for can we? No, so I'm going to throw out the old check list. It's time for a new idea and some new perspective. Next is time. Everyone wants more time, time to fly, or doesn't want to wait for time. Time is seriously a relative measurement, no person is really going to have an accurate measurement of time. It's only the increments we put throughout the day that actually creates time. Why couldn't we change it? If we did what would happen to time? Who knows, but if things are worth it... then aren't they worth the wait? Yes. There's no real question about that.

Life: Life is interesting and it never works out like it's supposed to. It's a game of survival and you have to protect yourself in order to survive. I've protected myself and set things up to make sure that I'm okay. Sometimes my boundaries don't see everything coming and they get broken, but I can just as easily rebuild them. Others don't really have that great of an inner psyche. i'm not new to disaster, chaos and pure sorrow. I always come out of things fine in the end.

Thoughts: I've had a strange set of thoughts lately. It's nothing but an inner circle of my own thoughts playing with my head like crazy. I think sometimes it helps but not always.

I miss the connection I had with my friends. the closeness and protective rock that I thought I had. I unfortunately no longer have that and I have to rebuild my grounds so-to-speak. It's interesting to see who really stays in your life and puts up with your shit haha.

I know who those people are now, and I'm not letting them go... not if it kills me.

Healing

Sweet clarity, fills in the ecstasy of grief. Finally there's the beginning of relief and moments of peace of mind. I think that my heart is starting to heal and I'm starting to see that things are in fact different. Haha it's funny to think of how the things you think you want can be brought around in a new perspective. you just have to remind yourself that you know what you want and there are far greater things out there.

I have a big heart but it's still mine, and I only let certain people into it. So I have a long time to find the right person. Especially when my heart is healing

Taking a stand

There's a lot I've had to write about, and now none of it made it into text. I'm sitting at Meg's radio show, letting my mind run wild and I shouldn't. The one thing that leads to my own hurt is myself. My mind can run and race and I let it from time to time. But it's simple. I distract myself and I can make myself not pay attention. I haven't done this for a while because I haven't really needed to but now things are just necessary. I'm beginning to go numb at times and one of the greatest things is that I can sleep through the night, for the first in a very long time. That's something I wasn't expecting but I'm so thankful for. I'm also surrounded by caring, loving, understanding friends that I couldn't have asked for better treatment from. My heart still beats no matter the fact it's broken, I still breathe knowing that I breathe in broken shards, and my feet still walk no matter the fact that they've gone through enough in their lifetime.

I stand when it's not easy, talk when it hurts, and hold up others when I can barely hold myself up.

No MORE

I had a post typed up about how down I've been lately. Fuck that. I'm turning a new leaf and I'm going to bring happiness back into my life. No more sad lounging, no more depressiveness. I deserve a shred of decency and happiness. I'm going to find it in this shit hole of a town if it's the last thing I do. I've had a lot drained and taken from me. I'm going to take it back. Starting now. Emotions can only bother a person for so long. After that a person just can't care anymore. So this is me, no more mister sappy mope, no more wasting time thinking about things that only hurt me. It's time to focus on ME and get what I need to get the HELL OUT OF THIS PLACE! I have some options lining up and I can start focusing on them to get me out of here. I hope I can do it, I will do it.

My future is more important than my "friends" treating me like shit.

So here goes, a new chapter, a new perspective, a new dedication. To me.

How to sever ties

How to sever all ties? It's really quiet easy. Lately I've been forced to cut myself off from certain people and certain activities and I'm really glad that I am... it's a great step and transition for me to re-learn what I'm supposed to be doing and the path that I'm on or should be on. I may have stumbled and lost my footing but I'm right back in the game and I'm not stopping here. Things are starting to fall into place and go where they need to be. I'm so excited and ready to see where things take me. I'm so excited and nervous about the future. I know something is coming and I'm not sure what but I know it will change the nation, maybe even the world. Only time will tell what is to come and only God knows how the world will pan out. But I firmly believe that I'm going to have to be some part of this, and not only me but all others like me. The ones called for something greater than they know yet...

The Chosen Children of God.

In the end of days God will send his chosen children to Earth. It is in my firm conviction that we are sent here to change things for the better or lead the best into the afterlife. I may seem crazy and if you think so then you're more than welcome to but I know that there are things far greater than our little minds can hold and what's soon to be will shock most of us and we can only hope humanity has some goodness left in it to change things.

I'm not the perfect person when it comes to my emotions. Most of the time I can write them down or think through feelings in my head and they can go away. Sometimes they don't, lately I've been waiting for things to dissipate and clear the air. They haven't. I slowly feel better and I don't talk to a lot of people about these things because technically they can't help me. They can't fix things for me and I just seem like a downer all the time. For that I am sorry because emotions can be contagious but I can't help what I feel. Things will get better, but for know they suck. I thought I hid my emotions well enough but there are a few people who saw through my little mask, saw what's really going through my mind, body, and soul. For those... I am most sorrowful, there are things I never wanted to push onto another person and that was a major one. I'm strong, and I can get up and dust myself off but after a while a person grows tried, I grow tired, and I need to rejuvenate. I don't know what's in store for me, but I do know that I can get done what I need and bounce back if I just focus on some me time. Who knows I can do that. I can be alone and still have thoughts of others and about others still racing through my consciousness. I've gotten back to a lot of roots and I'm so thankful for that. I'd forgotten some of the best things that created and shaped me. I apparently lost sight of those attributes and needed a little reminding.

There are many things in life that can throw you off track, some you see coming and others you won't know are about to hit you. The goal is to be as prepared as possible, you establish boundaries and control who is in and out of your life, you surround yourself with positive, good people and remove the others. You don't allow them to cross your boundaries. Keep yourself at a distance from those who pose a threat. Know your limits and pay attention to the signs.

People always have "tells" that give away their true thoughts. Too bad that I can't read them all so easily all the time. I'm an adult, yes I have growing up to do and I'm not the most mature all the time but I am an adult in a generation that not many adults are born in. I don't really know why this happens and why people don't just do what they're supposed to and what's right but it seems the "days of manners" are lost in my generation. Sure there are some of us that are good people but there are also those that aren't. It's seen all the time in the most various of places and situations. It just amazes me how people think they can treat others in this time period... maybe one day they'll get a reality check, a slap in the face, or Karma will come back to them.

Here's hoping

Bigger Picture

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately... and by thinking I mean talking to Kelsey about life and such. There are things in life that I wasn't really prepared for. I thought that most of my life would be seen sitting in the background waiting for me to fill my place, do my job and go on to whatever else is left. I was wrong. I have the potential to inspire others. I've noticed it more recently with Connor, Nicholas and Kelsey. They say things that make it seem as if I rub off motivation and inspiration. I'm no muse by any means but I do believe that I'm starting to notice myself doing that with others. I'm so in tuned to intelligence and academia that I theorize my brain registers on a different frequency than a lot of others. I'm not disregarding others or their intelligence I know that a lot of people around me are superbly intelligent and shock me in the most surprising of ways. But I am a part of the bigger picture, I'm beginning to realize this and it scares me. It's exciting, nerve racking, and unknown to me. I intend to see everything through until the end of time. And I'm really excited to get know when I'm there...

I'm numb, I feel like I'm sitting in the middle of a whirlpool waiting to get out of the chaos it will bring if I step into the realm of uncertainty.

I've lost two of my best friends, and the best part is that they think it's my fault. When if they wouldn't have acted like children and FOR ONCE would've listened to what I had to say they may have seen my side. They didn't give me the benefit of the doubt and they tried to control me, they had power and influence over me. Not anymore. It's time to grow up again and see what's best for me. I'm so lost and still wish I could run to them to cry and ask for help. That won't be happening. They want nothing to do with me.

I don't deserve all that's happened to me, and there's no one to blame but them.

I also just left a relationship. It was semi-mutual and I do foresee us staying friends. But my heart still hurts. I still want to cry sometimes, but I'm okay. I'm happy with life and it's a different experience for me. It doesn't make the hurt any less but then again this isn't the worst that I've been through and I'm sure there's more to come. I'm so lucky to have Nicholas as a friend. I wouldn't know what to do otherwise.

Life isn't all it's planned out to be, nor should it be. But things change and grow... and shift. It's sad, beautiful, joyful, surprising, amazing, scary and sometimes awful. I'm glad to be here and glad I have what I have. I'm blessed, or as my gram said. I'm a chosen child of God. here to make a difference in this world.

Stand

Sinking ships on dreading waters,

blown to bits by cannon fodder.

Shaking, crawling, breathing dirt,

pushing up to remove the hurt.

Back to feet, standing tall,

the battle lost, the war will fall.

Hard decisions, sacrifice,

peering truth, concealed in ice.

Truth

I'd rather see the sun go down,

than rise on darkened days,

For pondering a twisted thought,

brings doubt and pain your way,

Forgive those who do not see,

truth of every kind,

For those who choose to do so,

will only close their mind,

A change is rough and treacherous,

but is not without reach,

For those who care to make a difference,

with this poem I beseech.

Simple

Recently I've realized that I have no idea what I'm doing, and frankly I don't care. I love my life and I love the people in it. Sometimes I don't know how things work or what to do but I work with all that is given to me. I don't like spreading myself thin and I don't like picking sides. I'm being torn in places I've never been torn and I'm conflicted in what to do. My world is filling up with things I can't control and I don't like feeling this way.

I've sat on this side of the fence for so long that I think others don't like seeing things from where I've been sitting. I get it, I'll have to work it out and I'll try but my time is my time. My world is my world and I am shared. I'm spread thin and it's time to re-group. I'm tried and now all this isn't fair. Things aren't always fair and I know that. But the thing is... I'm only one guy, with one life to live. I can only do so much without having things fall apart... again. I've been here, working through things when I finally find stability you fight it. I don't have time to fight for that, I shouldn't have to. Things should work, be understood and you move on. Plain and simple. But things are never plain or simple. Complexity over rules the dictation placed in the inner workings of simplicity.

My mind races all the time and I think about the most ridiculous things. But that doesn't mean they'll happen, that they're true or that you in any way have changed in my eyes.

Sometimes we have to give up a little to gain that much more. It's time to make this move. The transition that will make me even stronger.

There are things that are unexplained and will forever be unexplained. I don't like the "Destiny/Free Will" debate. I believe in a mix of both. The path we're set on leads us to major events in our lives. Events that should be unchanged, unavoidable, and impossible to see coming. But I also believe that free will leads us to the grand events. The choices in between make up who we are, the reactions cause us to grow and learn, or regress and sink into a route that is dark, dimly lit and going to end in a rough place.

I've learned that things can't be changed. I've also learned there are things that you can change, sometimes they're the smallest of things that make the largest of differences. A smile, hug, handshake, conversation, look, gesture, or word can change someone's day, week, or even their world. I've seen it happen and I know some great people that if they get set on the right path they will lead the world into great places. I've also seen the exact opposite, those who choose to make the wrong decisions for the right reasons. That doesn't make them right decision or for the betterment of anything. I don't think that things are always acceptable and I'm guilty of some of those things. That won't stop me from learning, growing, and becoming a better person. I see that I have potential, that I have room to improve, but also that I have great things in store for me. I just have to work for them.

There's nothing too great for courage, there's nothing courage can't handle. Stand up, fight for what's right in your heart, not what you've been told is right.

Distracted Dork

So I have really simple misconceptions about how things work. I don't always look at things from the normal perspective and I give people a lot more credit than they deserve most of the time. I'm a very upfront person. Most of the time I need to see things literally and up close. Other times I can comprehend some of the most outrageous thought complexes to ever breach my cognition. Lately I have no desire to search beyond the basics. I used to ask questions, research things on my own and be really well informed on a subject. I had passion, desire and I had the drive to pursue knowledge. I love knowledge, and I used to be a sponge on anything I was really setting my mind to. Somewhere along the way, I fell off the "Knowledge Train". I stopped thinking about what I could know, what I could find out, and what I strove to bring to new light. I forgot what I was doing and who I used to be.

I'm a nerd, plain and simple. I'm a dork, weird, different, unique, strange and eccentric. I also love it. I love being weird, it makes people see the real me without diluting my personality. I feel bad that see "Brody light" or if that ever happens. Then they see the real me and I'm sure their opinion of me changes. haha

I just need to refocus on what I'm working for. A simple balance of personal, social, academic, and professional life. I can't wait to find it, and reconnect with my inner self. Maybe then I won't be so easily distracted.

I don't believe for even a second that test accurately measure every students cognitive intelligence. There's no real system to fix this, and frankly I don't care to think of the alternative. Professors just need to realize that there are chances that they are fucking up a person's ability to learn.

First step: Failing an exam, getting wrong answers, and negative reactions to responses DO NOT HELP STUDENTS!!! Professors I've had recently have made fun of me, not cared to look into my wrong answers, and have degraded my thoughts and ideas without explanation of why they don't agree with me. This is normal to the "modern college experience". Guess what kids, not all professors, when you get to college, give two sparkled shits about you. They get paid, can't really get fired, do what they want, and some even TRY and make you fail. College isn't for everyone, but everyone is under the impression each person should go to some sort of schooling. So why are we going to an institution that doesn't want us here other than to make money and bring in more students so the University can make more money. We're little bags of money, going into a scarce job market, thinking people in Universities care about our insignificant life.

We'll if you don't like it, change it. I've proved people wrong my entire life and I'm not giving up that quality just because a few assholes stand in my way. Screw all the profs that look down on you, chuck the deuces to those who have no faith in you, stand up and change the way you work to accomplish what you need to. I'm not failing out of college, I'm not giving up and I'll be damned if I let all I've worked for go to waste in the last fews days of this G-D DAMNED semester.

Bring it on UW.

Generation: Possible

Is there a chance in Hell? Well buckle up, bring sun block and some ice water because this may be a long trip. Today, after Political Sociology, Leslie and I had a great philosophical discussion. We started to talk about relationships, life, stress, and politics then we ended talking about our generation. The unnamed, undirected, desensitized, overly sensitive, underestimated generation that is well, us. Kids, people, and “adults” in our age range have been debated over having too low of pants, showing too much skin, getting tattoos and piercings, and generally taking for granted the things we have and what we’re given. Most importantly, we take for granted our education. Not all of us do, some members of this generation are proactive, dedicated, mature, and ready to take on the future.

Dare I say it; I learned something today in Poli. Soc. and that is there is almost no hope for the direction America is heading toward, with only 20-25% of the population voting, lower education standards, higher dropout rates, and a crashing economy the United States is in for a journey. Leslie and I discovered we have a little more faith in this generation than we had anticipated. Our generation doesn’t “care” about politics and as much as I would agree that statement isn’t entirely true. We do care; we just don’t want to tolerate the bipartisan bull shit excuses thrown out by manipulative, lying, heinous politicians that see “us” as clients to gain power from. The government used to work for its people, as representatives it was their PAID DUTY to respect the desires and wishes of the collective few whom speak the loudest in a crowd. Not the majority or even those who need to be heard. The loudest person gets their way. That works for my grandparents arguments, but it doesn’t solve anything, it complicates their marriage and it doesn’t offer the happiness that comes achieving what’s right. People my grandparents, and parent’s age are currently in or coming into politics. Look at what they’ve accomplished: mortgage crisis, financial crisis, failing a global economy, deceit, lies, scandals, hypocrisy, failed campaign promises and straight out disappointment to the people of this nation. No one talks about the true public politics anymore because they don’t exist. The Public Sphere (for those who don’t know it’s the idea that there’s a bubble around society that separates it from the state) doesn’t exist. It’s become tainted and destroyed by political and elitist agendas of greed and power. Now I digress from the main point of our generation, we have become apolitical party non-conformists. A lot of my peers don’t like being involved because they can’t pick a side anymore. Republicans and Democrats no longer have real issues to fight over and we all don’t care about what they have to say. We want things accomplished but not at the means of picking a party that doesn’t care about what you think, in a system that doesn’t think you belong, in a nation that is out to drain you of all you have. Fiscal conservatives are becoming socially liberal, social issues don’t bother our generation and we have a “live and let live” attitude about us that makes us get along. Most people my age don’t worry about conforming to society, listening to what the “man” has to say, or contributing to the manipulation factor at all. Once our generation comes into power we have the potential to bring back the public sphere, bounce this nation back to its feet, and make one of the greatest countries history has ever seen. That’s if there are enough people that care to make a difference in this world.

Our generation is resilient, strong, compassionate, and bright (when we need to be). We just need the chance to step up and take over the mess our predecessors have created. With open minds and fresh ideas our nation can be saved. All it takes is a push in the right direction, on the right people, and we’ll be home free. We are can bring back America to those who care enough to see through the shit, called modern day politics and government. So “kids” it’s our turn, educate yourselves, don’t listen to the mass media and believe in what’s right. Maybe then we can bring back some dignity before we’re left with an anarchist, chaotic, obliterated nation that could have been the greatest nation history had seen

Stepping up again.

I step down,

for years I've wanted answers, now I don't want them. Everyone has a hardship, at different levels yes, but hardship none the less. I am no exception. Today I'm writing because this is an issue I've neither addressed nor spoke about for a while. Back when my family wasn't doing very well, back when my siblings and I hated each other, back before I was me, back before I free from the shallow graves of my past I was hurt. I was lonely, sad and depressed. I put on a happy face to get through the day and it worked. I went to school and did great because it's all I literally had for an escape. I watched the TV show charmed because at 3:00 every day for years it would be there for me, it never once failed me, not like how others had failed me. Then moving to Texas changed EVERYTHING. My friends know how I feel about my year in Texas, some of you may not know I was severely depressed, lost too much weight for a healthy boy, and tried to kill myself twice. This is behind me and I've spent years trying to forget and expel these memories from my mind. Then moving back to Wyoming hurt too, my dad wasn't really there for me in the beginning and my brother and sister took the distance hard. I get that it was hard for my family, I do, but sometimes they get credit for things that they shouldn't, praise for things that aren't praiseworthy, and empathy where I received apathy. I've been told "your brother had it really hard with your dad being gone, he had to step up and be the father figure."

I cried when my aunt told me this. He had it rough? from what I remember at this time he rebelled, was NEVER there for me, partied, was rude, disrespectful, didn't work and made my life miserable most every chance he could. He wasn't a good brother, nor did he take over responsibility. I did, I had to step up. I took over responsibility.

"You don't know what you're sister is going through." "You're a bad brother for letting her down like this"

Wow did these hurt, I stood up to protect my sister from herself and I was told by my own family that I was a bad brother. I was livid. Lies, tricks, games, and angry phone calls later I was still a "bad" brother. She didn't act responsible, my parents couldn't parent her because my dad had lived years without children, and my mom was too tired to deal with my sister's bullshit. Oh and I don't know what she's going through... you're right, I'd forgotten what it had been like to live with both parents, to have money spent on me, to have my parents actually show up (on time) to extra curricular events, to live under the same roof as your family. They're right, I don't know what that's like.

I can't count the time I spent trying to clean our house, do the dishes, start the laundry, or mop and sweep and have my mom come home and rant about how we never help around the house, how we're horrible children for not doing the chores after she worked multiple jobs that day. How about waking up my brother, telling him to shower, starting his truck, making sure he was out of the shower in time to get to school. Finishing his scholarship applications that he never used, taking my siblings to a movie because my mom had a mental breakdown, hearing rumors of my dad cheating and having to call my aunts to have them tell my mom, seeing her breakdown, taking back his wedding ring, never seeing his children, stressing over small things in the house, getting sick all the time, crying because my mom was hurt, worrying about the future, what to do, coming out to my mom, having her say hurtful things, ruining the bond we had, fighting with my siblings, having my mom and sister leave me, then my brother, walking into the empty house I spent my middle school years, living without my parents and siblings, getting an anxiety disorder, being misunderstood, coming out to my friends, the rest of my family, worrying about college, hiding who I was, letting people know who I am, having my friends forget me, being picked on or bullied, rumor after rumor, graduating and leaving high school forever knowing my future was up to me and I missed out on being a kid, an adolescent.

This all sounds whiny, and the light version of what I can recall from those years. But I needed to write down exactly what I was thinking about and I don't know why this was triggered for me but it was. I was told things that my siblings didn't know, I've done adult things that they haven't done, and I've learned things they will never learn... all before I turned 18. I grew up too fast, and I'm thankful for it. But the side effects are painful, deep cuts that haven't healed yet.

I have a fear of being left, abandoned, and alone. That's all I've been shown, it's all I've known, I've moved 12 times in 8 years so I get uncomfortable in one place for too long. it's awful to feel like this, I cry myself to sleep a lot and I have to cuddle a pillow to feel safe. I don't trust easily and I am rude, up front and honest. it got me this far, and I'll keep it.

I've grown so much in the past 2 years, I'm happy, healthy, and I love my friends and family. I love who I've become and where I am today. It's a great feat for me. :)

I wouldn't trade my life, but I wouldn't wish it on others. It's hard to remember the things that I've been through and most of them aren't described in this post. I just felt I needed to write down how I felt and never worry about it again. All the feelings I've held, all the pain. Of being invisible in a world where no one noticed that I was fading into the distance.

I'm here now, in the front light, bright, big and glowing. No more hiding, this is my life and I'm standing out. I'm not turning back and I'm finally me. Forever me, with all my flaws and strengths. I'm stepping up again, but this time it's for me, and no one else.

I'm sitting here, listening to old music videos from songs I thought I'd forgotten, a life I thought I had blocked out, and pieces I don't know how I forgot.

A few words in a song can propel my mind back to a place that feels safe, normal, and calm. Back before relationships meant something beyond "friends across the street" when hand holding was simple and a friendly gesture. When all you did in the summer was run around with friends and build mud pies.

As we grow up we try and fill the spaces of our lives with jobs, school, drinking, dating, worrying, stress, pain, anger and etc. When we should remember when just being with friends and family were enough. That a song, a game, a swing, or a four square ball could make your entire day worth it. I miss those times, and I'm bringing them back with me. I will remember them, be thankful for those days, and never forget the lesson you learn when you're too young to know you're learning them.

Back to me

And so the roller coaster began. It hasn't stopped most of this semester but I tried to pretend reality was fable, that plan was not seen to fruition. So many things have changed, so many things are different, and I don't know how I got to this point. The stress, sickness, worry, doubt, happiness, pain, joy, laughter and every tear in-between cannot be explained, nor do I think I can begin to explain.

I've tried giving up controlling everything and now everything is spiraling out of control. There's a certain amount of control needed to keep balance, but too much control can strangle the situation, no control allows things to slip through your fingers.

When I close my eyes, I'm not sure if I recognize the world around me anymore. I don't know what's real, what I can trust or even if I know what I should or shouldn't do. My actions have consequences, my mind has a price, and I have responsibility to myself.

I change my hair a lot, mostly from brown to blonde, to natural blonde, to red/brown or whatever I feel like. I get really stressed and need a change and most of the time it's my hair. This time, it was interesting to see it, and I do love the new color. But it's not me, it doesn't feel right, and I'm waiting to grow it out. To cut it, have my hair go back to the real me, toward my brighter personality. This just isn't me, so now I have to wait to get back to the familiar, to who I am and to who I'm used to being. Once the fog clears, the streets fade, and the light sets in I'll find me again. I just hope that it comes soon. Before I lose me forever.

Symposium of a lifetime

Over the course of this year I've grown up a lot, I've learned a lot and I cannot be thankful enough for my experiences. The past week I have dedicated so much time to the Shepard Symposium and I can't be more proud of myself. There's so much that I even learned from participating in this symposium and I think a lot more people should go to this every year and educate themselves. The session are shocking, captivating and inspiring. I couldn't have asked for a better experience.

I personally changed my outlook on things, and I'm going to stand up and better myself from what I've been exposed to. There's so much in the world that we can all work harder for. The pieces of the symposium that are sticking with me the most are:

"There's nothing to big for courage, there's nothing too big that courage can't conquer." -Holly McDonald

"Keep the conversation going."- John Corvino

"It takes one person to keep a child in school, and change their life forever."- Danielle Heir

these statements have still spoken out to me, they still make me shiver when I remember the first time I heard them, and realized the Truth in these statements.

Mary Cowhey "you must act." they all have such an empowerment that I wouldn't have been able to see if I hadn't have gotten involved, stood up, and done something.

I'm more proud of myself than I have been in so long. Knowing that I was apart of something so amazingly spectacular.

Forward

It's time to grow up, there's always room for fun and I think I was distracted by the potential excitement of just fun itself. But now I'm realizing I forgot what I wanted. I forgot what I had thought, and I lost track of my coveted values. It's time to find out again, if I'm actually ready to take on things that are greater than myself. I never picture myself as other do. I'm starting to see that I'm bigger than even I realize. I'm well connected, I have great friends, great family, and a future ahead of me that I can't wait to explore. I've got infinite things to learn and I just need to be more open to them.

It might not be now, and it might not be here, but whatever it is, I'm looking forward to it.

Transcendence

True faith isn't born in a fad, or a game. It's instilled in the bond one creates between them and their beliefs. I'm not your average Christian. I don't believe in a Bible written by man to be the word of God. I'd rather pray to a spaghetti monster than look into such a heinous weapon. There are some great parts in the bible that I could see being used for the good of His people. There are also parts that I couldn't see my God saying or acting upon. Not just the verses on homosexuality, there are others that make no sense and I'm not afraid of my God. I love Him. My love of Jesus and the Holy Father transcends the "fake trends" that some decide to participate in.

Treat others with respect, compassion and love.

Not condemnation, hate and idolatry.

My greatest friends understand the true point of faith in Christianity. Ruth and Leslie, I love you so much. You're the greatest people in the world. You know what's right and true. What's in your heart. Not what a book, or a crazy man yelling behind a podium told you. My only faith left in humanity are people like you. I love you.

There's a time and place for everything, I wait and look for something I can't find until it comes down to the fact that I shouldn't try so hard. Things happen in time and I have a long time to figure things out. I'm only 20... 2 decades old and I'm still new to this world.

I over think things, I worry, and I stress but at the end of the day I have a lot going for me. Great friends, great family, a good future ahead of me, and I'm strong and prepared. That's more than what some have and I'm thankful for it everyday.

Tonight I lean on bended knee,

waiting for tranquility,

a place to find,

a soul entwined,

blissful in my muddled mind.

Waves

Life comes at you in waves, flooding emotions, feelings, struggles, hardship and any other overwhelming experience try and drown you. I've always known I would be fine as long as I had my head above water, no matter the current, no matter the pain. I'll be fine if my head is above water. I remember once in high school, I overheard my mom telling someone we were struggling to keep up, to stay afloat. It was true. Things changed when my mom and sister moved to Texas, I still had Dillon and I just needed to graduate but staying in Wyoming was one of the hardest things I've ever done. I stayed with my grandparents while my family moved 1100 miles away from me. I had to focus on school, it was the one thing that would drive me to the success of my future. I'm still driving toward that achievement with a few bumps on the way. But there's something I've always known, no matter how far away I was, I would always do what's best for me, and my family. They may not always look like the right decisions at first, but they end up paying off in the long run. These decisions are tough, life changing. But so far in my life, all I've learned is that change, is usually for the best. So stop resisting, embrace the excitement and give it a shot. The only thing you have to lose is what you no longer have.

Equality Prevails

So for one more year, I have rights. The "losing battle" I was supposed to be fighting or giving up on (according to skeptics) has prevailed in this session. House Bill 74 is dead, buried in the worthless arguments, lies, and insults that brought it about. All I have to say, is thanks. Thanks to all who fought to kill this bill, all to whom stood when it wasn't easy, to all degraded, threatened or frightened persons... we won this time.

Also, a thanks to all in favor of this bill, I'm now aware of the reality of my home states hatred and bigotry toward me. I'm no longer under the impression that this state is about equality or the "live and let live" attitude I grew up with. The illusion, the reflection in the mirror and smoke, is shattered. Irrevocably, the truth is revealed. The truth is, this was a stupid, bigoted, outrageous attempt at Supremacy. Make me the inferior and I'll show you my greatness, make me the minority and I will influence the majority, suppress my peers and I and we will rise from the ashes.

For another session, we have the right to be accepted, and justice will be upheld. This was your warning, next time we will be more prepared. As I expect our opponents will be. But we will be ready, we will discredit you, and we will bring EVERYTHING to the table. You won't have the upper hand, and you will fail again, even if we have to take this into the court system, we will prevail.

We might be fewer, or not all seen, but we stand together, all types in between.

The Rainbow always comes out after the tunderstorm, bright, vivid, and strong.