Pieces of the Puzzle

Life isn't a platter, lined in sliver and gold, it's not a spoon dipped in diamonds, and it's not full of rainbows and unicorns. Life is hard, it's difficult and it's crazy. It's like a puzzle. You have 1500 pieces that look like a colorful box just threw up. They don't make sense and you begin to wonder what you've gotten yourself into. You start with the outer edges, the base, the beginning. Then you add a bit here and there. The pieces look overwhelming, new and different. Then they fall into place, you get stuck and frustrated, even angry. Then you start getting on a roll and a lucky streak. You find beauty, entertainment, and surprises. You dedicate yourself to a masterpiece. You become enthralled by the process no matter how mundane and ridiculous. The sweat, blinding eye pain and curse words start to fade and you see what you're really making. Then the puzzle has that last piece, the shining moment of satisfaction and gratification. The puzzle is complete. Then you have to glue it together, it falls apart and you put it together again to have it framed and hung on the wall.

I'm a long way away from hanging my life on the wall and looking back, i'm in the messy middle. The trashy, tedious, rough, annoying process of realizing the path ahead, the disappointment and frustration, the obstacles, and everything standing in my way. But you find those few pieces to reveal the beauty. I just found one, in a friend, who has a little more faith in me than I have for myself. I need to be reminded sometimes that the puzzle isn't going to be finished before I'm ready to see the bigger picture, and I should enjoy the ride. Thanks Tyler, for having a little faith in me. I wish you all the success you deserve in your future. Dream big, because if you shoot for the moon you'll land in the stars.

Hope

Hope, no one can destroy you if you have hope. There's one way to tolerate the unpredicted, the painful, and the truth you don't want to hear.... that there's hope, that one day it'll change, that the future holds a grand adventure and will reward you with the love, faith and desires you asked for. Some get this early on in life and don't have to keep hoping for dreams to come true. Some get it in the perfect moment, the moment that saved their lives, and others endure torture over and over again until the last second, the last millisecond, the moment of the breaking point. Who knows when it will come,

when hope will spring forth from the ashes of destruction and peril, into a light never before seen. But not without tearing away at the soul. It's a test of the ages. A test that must be endured or one must suffer the consequences of emptiness.

No one escapes the truth, but I hope to someday have my dream fulfilled... even if it's not the dream I asked for. Just one to fill the empty cavern torn by the unrelenting selfish planet we live in.

Hope is the key to survival. Without it, existence is like trying to breath underwater. It's painful, terrifying, and and in the end.... darkness.

Reflection

I'm not brilliant, I'm not spectacular, I'm not amazing. I don't know how many times I've told myself these things, spent hours trying to figure out why I haven't had the self esteem and respect others had. My mirror, broken and cracked from the lies I've been told and the lies I sold to myself. But my mirror broke, I dropped it on the way to college. I didn't know what to do so I went on with life, turns out I have the best mirror of all. My friends are my mirror. I trust them and respect what they have to say because they see me all the time, not just in the morning when I'm in the mirror, that's the only time i see myself. They see me at my best and at my worst. There's no comparison to the mirror of friendship. It may not be what you want it to be all the time but it should be the truth.

Not everyone seeks to tell the truth, those who lie and sneak to get what they want won't become the greatest they could be, nor do they belong in my life. I've surrounded my life with good people, it's what gets me through life. When you surround yourself with bad people, mean people and people who belittle others you'll look around one day and hate the world you live in, see nothing but pain and anger, and live with the shadow the rest of your life.

So stand up, do the right thing, and learn to love the face in the mirror. Because the world is yours for the taking.

Prince Charming

There are so many things changing in my life and some are great advances. I shouldn't dwell on the small things and I'm trying. It's time to let go of the past, move on, focus on the now and hope for the future.

I lay awake up night and wonder about so much, but lately I've been thinking about a boy, cute, sweet, quirky and amazing. Just the right amount of different for me, and the right amount of things in common. I think about him all the time, and laugh at his goofiness. I can't wait to meet him. It will be so great. But in this thinking process I came up with an idea that shocked me:

I'm my own prince charming. I am romantic, sweet, sappy, and all of that comes from the heart. I'm not fake and manipulative, I just feel with my heart. I've been asked "If you sat next to yourself, would you like you? Would you like the person sitting next to you?" I now have an answer... Most definitely. Not to brag but the things I've done for others in the past, the things I've said, they'd melt my own heart if someone told me that. Or treated me like that. I'm a sap for sad movies, roses, chocolate strawberries and just staying in for a night. I also like to dance, sing too loud, run around the town, party with friends and do the most random things (Usually involving glitter), but I end up with the same 'lil ole me. Now I think that's not such a bad thing. I'm funny, I'm not too hard on the eyes, and I'm real. I don't think those are things people DON'T want. I thought I had to look for love, or at least be ready for it. Now I don't really think I should know what to do. I don't mind, :) I would love love when I'm ready for it, but if I'm not ready then I think I'm okay with me, Prince Charming. The second I find love, I'm holding on as tight as possible. I'm really easy to take care of all I need is complete honesty, love, and conversation. maybe food. But I dream of having someone to lay next to me. I do get lonely from time to time. Everyone does, but it's not unbearable yet. I'll always have myself looking out for me. I won't fail at that, I'm a pretty smart kid and I've gotten myself here. It hasn't been an easy road and God knows I let too many people get second or third or more chances that weren't deserved, but mercy gets the best of me. I can't keep negativity in my mind. It's exhausting.

I'm a mess, I have so many thoughts at once I literally don't understand how people know what I'm saying or doing. I usually have 7 ideas at one time and there's no stopping where they're going. I talk too much, I care too much about my hair, I love the color blue, I like to dress nice more for myself than others, I like conversation, I like a lot of people that aren't liked by others and I'm not normal. I love being different, I was made that way yo accomplish great things others can't. It's a great feeling to be this way, I know that I am unique and I cannot wait to see where I go in life. I have dreams, and no one can stop them, I day dream all the time. It's some of the best moments in my day. The funny thing is, I thought I'd be the one being saved, when the truth is. I'm the knight in shining armor, I'm Prince Charming.

Tricked

I hate being tricked, it's not so much that the end result isn't something that I can live with it's more that I was deceived in one way or another. You have a friend you can tell everything to, you look forward to talking to all week, you can't wait to meet or hear from them. Then.... they up and leave you with no explanation. No way to contact them, and no reason for why you're sitting there disappointed. I'm tired of all these games and I know they won't go away but seriously, people need to grow up and be respectable people. If you're going to abandon me and don't ever want to talk, say it to my face and let me know as a human being, not a shady little deceiver.

Future

Lately I've been a little out of things, trying to adjust to what I don't know, add what I know and see what's not really there... Funny part is that if nothing's there.... that means there's really nothing there. There's no controlling people or the ways they react and it takes a lot to see that. I've worked really hard to be who I am and get where I'm at and I don't like that being threatened. I miss certain friends that are my words of wisdom, my balance, and people whom I feel will always know me. Inside and out.

No matter how far I am, I still think of 'lil miss Kelsey Brinkerhoff, she gets me. All of me, and knows the buttons to push and the perfect blunt advice I need. She's just as stubborn as me and has a personality that will never be matched. She's so bright, happy, and such a glowing contagious person that I love being around her no matter my mood. She's adventurous, strong, intelligent, passionate, gorgeous, funny, (a bad eater on first dates), and the greatest person to be on trips with. I miss you a lot and I think of our jokes all the time, I can't wait for you to come to UW :) and we need to talk grad school to get the HELL out of Wyoming and someplace warm that's not a 3rd world country. :) We've always had big dreams and we need to shot for them fast.

The Real Post

Time for a real blog post, I can get on here day after day and write poems, deep thoughts blah blah blah, and I enjoy doing it. Writing makes me vulnerable and open. I usually can't stand people reading what I write, I get embarrassed, bashful, and start blushing but it's a way for me to open myself to the world (or those who read this). It's nothing but thought on paper according to Miles Brazil, and he's right. My writing is nothing but the thoughts I can't say out loud and they're then put onto paper. I don't really know what it's like to be in someone else's mind but mine has so many thoughts in one instance that half the time I say things or think they're "relate" they are in my mind and I can trace the lines straight to the trigger. It doesn't seem like that from the outside perspective and I probably sound like a fool half the time.

I've been doing a lot of self finding this past year and a half and it's really made me, what I would like to think, a really respectable young man. Last Year, August 9th, I went on my first real date EVER. I drove all the way to Salt Lake City, UT from Laramie, WY. I was born that day, the day I could truly act on the feelings I'd repressed for years. I've been out since I was 16, and now I think everyone close to me knows or has been told by someone. I have a lot of great people in my life and I have so many loved ones that I don't even know what to do with them. I truly started my life, August 2009, no one told me how to live, how to be, and how to act. Everything relied on me, I moved in with one of my closest friends and confidants Christina Currie. Through her world she didn't look at me like the pitiable second class citizen, just me. From then on I was immersed in a world I've never explored. I had more dates than people could keep track of, and the funny part is I thought I was being "bad" with so many dates, oh the words of my naive little self. Funny how "bad" becomes good, happiness, and a moment of bliss. You find someone you think you can love, give something you can't get back, and then you're left in the dust two days later. My first break-up, I was dumped... and I remember being sad for about an hour and then excited that I had experienced getting dumped for the first time. Going back to the fact that my brain isn't like other peoples. I'd been virtually talking to a boy for over 5 months, and then I went all the way to Casper, WY in January to meet him. Who knew I would fall so fast, my first New Year's Kiss led to three months of superficial happiness, and a realization of manipulation, use, and complete inconsiderate behavior. This time I broke up with my boyfriend, and I was actually crushed. Not that it was over, but that I let someone get really close to me and then have them manipulate and use me for three months. Safe to say I'm never doing long distance relationships. After this my vow of never to let people manipulate me caused a little drama with my first ex, and my dating life turned into a not so committed one. I've been single now for 9 months, I coulda had a baby by now. But I enjoy learning things that I can only find whilst being alone and not relying on a boyfriend. I would definitely welcome any good guy that walked into my life. But as far as looking goes... I'm a little burnt out and this isn't a search and seizure, more of a recon mission.

I dye my hair because I can't commit to my "look" and I've moved away from my perfection complex and trying to control everything. Now I try to live in the present, explore and take risks to learn something new about myself. I love to love, I flirt all the time, and I have some of the greatest friends you could ask for. I have a lot to learn still, seeing as I'm only one and a half years young. The world is my unknown adventure to explore. Let's see where I go.

Courage

Courage is the doorway to a future of possibilities,

believing in yourself gets you there,

understanding you're made for a purpose and given a job,

by whomever gives it to you,

means you're able to handle it,

it's the truth and what's right,

not what "should be",

or protecting someone from the truth,

the truth needs to be revealed and released from the shadows,

that man has cast them into.

Winter

The river runs,

in deep of night,

a star filled sky,

sprayed with light.

Silent snow,

on still froze leaves,

landing softly,

about to freeze.

Whistling winds,

a huddled critter,

bunkered down,

winter's bitter.

Icy roads,

roaring fires,

lots of blankets,

are winters desires.

Mirror of Friendship

I wish I could make you see,

the person you really are, not the on you pretend to be,

Hidden in shadows, cast in dark light,

Giving up now only starts the fight.

Drown in sorrow, consumed by pain,

living a lie is a life without gain,

arise from the ashes,

two entity clashes,

reveal what is true,

the real person in you.

Suppress the misery,

suppress the pain,

throughout life they have no gain,

A step behind,

a hidden door,

the truth reversed spills onto the floor,

Don't breathe, don't speak,

You'll fall in tow,

the thoughts in mind about to blow,

A sudden panic,

an icy chill,

The life I see becomes unreal,

A broken mirror,

Looking through translucent eyes,

the thoughts I have will never die.

Looking through the past

Doomed are those who dwell in the past,

there's not hope for changing what's come to pass,

but hope to learn and change the future,

following the path of history will lead you to catastrophe,

break the barriers, deviate from history,

create a new future, a better world,

for all, any and those in between,

the world is full of opportunities,

remember the past, experience the present and get excited for the future,

beauty is caught in the most unexpected moments.

seconds tick by wasting precious time,

moments never redeemed,

people never seen or met,

places never traveled discovered.

my life unfulfilled,

my heart unbidden,

broken in shards,

waiting to be put back together.

Moments flash before my eyes,

smile spreads across my face,

and for a sliver of daylight,

I feel what love is like.

A friend never giving up,

seeing what I can't chose to see,

playing the part destiny predicted,

loving everything I am.

I love you.

God

I love being attacked for being gay, in the eyes of some it means I'm worthless, less than human or worse.

I'm a child of God, there's no picking and choosing, there's no condemning by man. God will judge me, not for my loving another person, not for embracing the love he gave me, but he'll judge me for my character and decisions. I think that I'm a good person, I believe my choices are the right ones, or ones that I wouldn't be attacked for. I'm not a statistic, stereotype, or a scripture nor do I enjoy being treated like one. I will throw whatever you have back in your face. I'm not going to sit back and let you walk all over me for no good reason. You have no right to talk in the place of God, or use a corrupted, evil book to condemn me. Stay out of my life, I don't impose on yours. I'm human variance, a creation of God and a good person. What would cause you to hate me so much or be so ignorant? God doesn't teach that and only he is allowed to judge me.

A moment

The glass falls from the table,

seconds before you grab it,

seconds before the piercing sound of shattering,

and the moment your heart stops.

You turn and glance,

seeing a lifetime in the seconds,

it's destroyed, ruined and wasted,

lost in the abyss of oblivion.

Disappointed and alone,

the heart weeps, and picks up its pieces,

holding on to whatever it can,

to lift itself off the ground.

When you're lost, alone, and hurt,

there's always someone that loves you,

you may not know them,

may not have met them.

But they're watching, waiting and looking,

for you to come along,

brighten their day,

and reveal the light and beauty God put into this world.

We're meant to feel pain, and anger,

but we're meant to know there's more to life than that,

that love really can conquer all,

and that there's always a reason for everything.

You fall, you get up,

cry, and then smile,

stand up for those who can't,

because life, love, and true happiness is worth fighting for.

Waiting for Mr. Right

Moments in time washing into the ocean,

breaking the seals of love's devotion,

reconsider breaking down,

turning life into a frown,

but darkest days can show the light,

hidden, concealed, by Mr. Right,

the dream is tricky, slick and fast,

the key to your future, is in your past,

I rhyme a story in deepest thought,

for decades from now this story forgot,

I wish, I dream, I cease to stand,

for those who deserve rights in the promise land,

Love is love, the heart doth sing,

All I ask, is you be my everything.

Friends

Well here's a moment when I really need to do the normal "Blogging" thing where I talk about my life and blah blah blah so here goes.

Lately all I do is put on a smile, wear the mask and act out my part. But that's changing. I see my purpose and my place. It's just a transition into the life I'm meant to lead.

So here goes, I miss my family, that includes the family thats not blood. All those out there that never cease to make me feel safe, and loved.

My family is beyond important to me.

I'm going home this weekend but I'm also leaving family behind. I can't believe Leslie, Ruth and I will be apart this weekend. It's weird having the wonder triplets together! I feel like there's a part of my heart that's missing, or empty. She's the ground, the center, the pure, raw intelligence and sincerity of the apartment. Not to mention beyond gorgeous. (See you're in my blog now :))

Ruth is the spontaneous, down to Earth, outgoing, spunky, beautiful little Jew of the place. And she's the ying to my yang. I can't imagine you both not in my life.

And then there's Miles.... "you fucking piece of shit" you're like the little brother that I never had, and you're beyond funny, and smart WAY beyond your years. you need to come join the craziness that is Wyoming.

Kelsey and Lindsay Brinkerhoff.... where to even start with the people that've followed me my whole life. You're both the most wonderfully, outrageous friends a fabulous gay wyomin' boy could ask for, I think of you often and I miss you both so so much.

Justine, man there's not much to say except you're AWESOME!!!! and I tell the mystery of Hellen Keller to everyone. and I need to come see you soon!

Carlee you're such a dork, and hilarious and we need to get you into the tattoo world!!!!!

I miss all of you SO much. and I need to come see you! or you can come see me :).

Kalayla: you're beautiful, funny and the perfect amount of pep that I love to see every time I get a hug. :)

Christine: you always know how to brighten my day! and I miss your face!

Arianne: your cynicism inspires my sarcasm and I love it

all you Chi O's are beyond amazing.

Jessi: you're voice could shatter crystal, and you're a little beautiful pixie! we need to watch Buffy~! haha :)

Here's to my new friends:

Shelby and Steph- you're amazing Pi Phi's and we need to go Clubbing! you're so fun and gorgeous!

Michael- I'm going to kick you in the vag, one day, but you're a good kid and we need to party more! haha you're hilarious you little punk.

Heather: i bought you some hair dye to embrace your awesomeness :) haha, but you rock!

and last but certainly not least...

Rex, I've never found so much in common with a straight man, you have to be the straight version of me. haha. It's ridiculous how awesome you are. And you love Glee so I instantly approve... even if you sang a song from "she who must not be named" ;) haha but really, you're a great guy.

You

The perspective given by inner thought changes everything. It changes, ideas, dreams, and beliefs that have been instilled in you from the moment God created you. There's no gap between what you should know and what you're about to know. Only you, stopping what should be... from being. What needs to come out into the light, to explain who you are, in front of all creation. there's no reason to hide. Unique, beautiful, loveable.... all things that make you... you.

I love people for who they are, I love me for me and you should love you for you.

Bliss

The peace found in the mind,

binds you to your core,

an escape of worlds,

a dream in a dream,

all creation in the palm of your hands,

Going to that one place in your mind that's perfect,

for me,

it's a lake, on a warm day, with a nice little beach and picnic area,

a boat to play in, a boy to love,

and a world with no one bothering it.

Just a day, on a lake.

Worth Fighting For

A feeling I thought I had given up on,

this strange burning, raging, scratching sensation,

Irrational, unexplainable, fearful experience,

it bubbles, seeps over, and floods the mind,

Love is a silly emotion,

and unimagined idea that erases logic,

Defies the laws set down by nature,

and lifts you to the light,

Who could hate a feeling like this?

Especially with someone like this.

The reward is hopefully better than the risk,

This is what I fight for.

Silence

The absence is great, deafening even,

It screams until the droning panes.

Frozen in heaps of black serenity,

Peace in a crushed broken heart.

A lie to ones self,

a dream hidden near.

Nothing breaks through,

but self will and love.

Silence does nothing,

nothing except to eat away at the soul.

Breaking it is liberating,

freeing and complete happiness.

But the long grueling process to follow is one not wished on any individual,

But it's something I wouldn't trade for a lifetime.

Love, passion, and life,

Silence solves nothing.

Speak up, be yourself,

and love like there's no tomorrow.

Untitled.

I see my best when I'm at my worst,

and notice the small things when I look at the bigger picture.

I can see a ray of light in absolute darkness,

and cast shadows in the most brilliant of light.

I dream when I don't sleep,

and sing when there's only music in my head.

I understand the impossible,

and confuse the possible for not.

Life is a trip beyond the stars,

in your own back yard.

Moments

Life is the unexpected expectation,

no one expects life to work,

they instantly assume that it does and then sit and wait for it to happen.

Yet certain moments sneak up on you,

surprise you,

and shock you out of reality,

moments that still your breathing,

race you heart,

and defy the hold gravity has on you.

Never let these moments fade,

always remember them,

and pray each day,

that you'll get another second,

worth living for.

:)

Love

I'm glad that I have people in my life that God put there,

I love all the friends that are here, and all the friends that I can help. There's nothing better than the love of a great friendship and I can't even imagine my life without certain people. I wouldn't dream of it. Love is love, there's nothing wrong with it and the beauty of life is that there's nothing that can be created out of nothing... except LOVE. Love is infinite, pure and radiant.

There's no judgment in love, nor should there be.

Fall

The smell of a changin season,

air cools to a crisp clean scent,

changing the temperatures to a frosty chill,

Fall is upon us.

Amazing how one smell can open the gate,

to a flood of memories long since repressed,

tortured by ideas of the past,

out from the cold it arises.

A fresh beginning to a new year,

a new story to be written,

over the footprints of the life that haunts before,

a creation of intention.

Self

I'm beginning to fall in love,

with myself not a person,

with my personality,

my resilience,

and my ability to see what others chose not to.

I can be miserable,

sit around and wait for something to happen,

but in the end I'm me,

I live with myself the most,

and I need to love me for me.

Today I do,

I appreciate me,

and the people in my life,

but sitting, thinking and understanding,

is something I'm beginning to hold close to heart.

I don't break too many boundaries,

I level my head enough to keep me sane,

I have fun with whatever situation,

and best of all?
I'm real, I'm me, and I am Brody.

No one can change this,

no one can say I'm not me,

they can't control me,

and I live for no one but who resides in my heart,

the reflection of a reflection cast in a soul of self.

Open

The risk of trying,

the lack of faith,

handing the days,

to unsuspecting liars.

Tricks of deceit,

Mirrors of foes,

Crazy mentions,

of ideas haunting those.

I'm giving up on trying,

I've said it so many times,

I need a new track,

A new song to sing.

Change is what needs to happen