The spark

Even in my darkest times I always found a way to stay grounded.  It may have taken a lot of time, or energy, or someone to say the right phrase but I did it.  I was never truly alone.  The lives of the people I touched in the future and those who have touched mine.... I will never forget.  For even the most dim of lights shines brightly in the darkness.

I look like a strong person, deep down I'm just as sensitive as I was on the first day of kindergarten.  Scared, clinging to my mom's leg, wondering how terrifying this new adventure would be. 17 years later I'm inspiring others to find the best of themselves, see their dreams and shoot for them.  Even me, but without those dark moments I wouldn't be here. I wouldn't have become Brody, I would be something different entirely. I wouldn't want that.

The darkest I found myself... I hope to never get back to that moment but always remember that.  I remember that 14 year old me made the hardest decision I've made to date.  The decision to not only survive but to live.  To live for me, for others and to make the world a better place. I hope to do that.  If I can help one person, make one smile happen, even a pity laugh... I've done my job.  Warming people's hearts warms mine.  Now that I'm falling for someone I want to do everything I can to warm his.  Sometimes I can feel him next to me, picture him with me and my heart races and warms.  That's what I want to give in return.  For even when I was broken, hurt and angry someone came along and warmed my heart enough for me to get out of bed and realize that I am so loved.

When I came back from London I felt that I had lost all connection to this American world, I have friends that still haven't given me the time of day, people I will most likely never see again, or that were a little glad I had left.  To the few friends I have now... They hold so much love for me and I for them that you feel it any time we're together. Sometimes I get stressed or try a little too hard. Most of the time I'm just trying to find a way for people to open up.  I know not everyone likes to but they'll always have that option with me.  Night or day, good or bad, I'm there to listen and help.  Even if the favor is never returned I'm not expecting it. I just love to make others feel happy and wanted.

I thought after getting proof of my dad cheating on my mom, for 8 years, I wouldn't be able to even feel love let alone find it.  I was so afraid that even if I could trust someone that I would mess things up, shut down again or run at my first opportunity.  I started to phase out of that.  Slowly being okay with mostly myself and who I was or would become.  Then I opened up, was disappointed on more than one occasion and things kept piling up.  Finally had a few good moments.  Then one simple Facebook message changed my year. A guy that I thought was so far out of my league was talking to me.  It was amazing and he is so kind and sweet.  Then the secrets we'd both been keeping came out and I started to have a crush again, then the crush grew into feelings of like... now I'm falling. Feeling things I never thought I could again. I'm pretty positive he's the one I'm going to spend forever and after with.  The heart is a strange thing, it plays with us, tricks us but also tell you the truth sometimes before you even know it.

After all I've been through, I still fall, this time I'm hoping into the arms of the most amazing man that has ever talked to me. Hopefully he knows that I'd catch him if he ever falls as well.

Waiting for the dice,

I'm terrified of the next four months.  I'm excited, scared, tired, nervous, happy, shakey, panicked and anxious.  These are some of the biggest changes I'll make in my young adult life.  I'm so glad to have the mentors and people in my life that I do.  Sometimes I do kind of feel lonely and little boy.  Back into those scared little days when I didn't have the past I do now.  There are just so many times of waiting, relying on others and the timeline is getting shorter and shorter. My hands are shaking and can actually feel my heart racing.  I'm trying to focus on the positives, there are just those few moments that I give myself a reality check and make sure I don't give myself a big head.

There's always a chance and if there is even a split second I can take it, I'm going to.  I've finally found a path that I want to take. With people I want to take it with.  I'm holding out, waiting for fate to display it's mission. Once the dice have been rolled the answers will be revealed. I can't wait for that.  I need to convince myself not to stress, and that what is meant to be will be.

These are the moments that define us.  Our 20's, of course we always change and grow but our lives are never more volatile than they are in this decade.  Changing bodies, ideas, hormones, hobbies, cities, relationships.  In this time frame I start to see my self from the outsiders prospective.  I often wonder what people see when they look and me and the perceptions are marginally different.  I'm learning to see what others see but it also takes its toll.  With constantly thinking and jumping ideas I'm always confused as to where I really am in a lot of my doings. 

When I was younger I had so much insight to things I knew little about.  I never knew everything and rarely ever pretended to.  Now, the older I'm becoming, the less I really know. Right now I'm falling in love with someone 1,000 miles away, hoping that we feel the same about each other and even seriously talking about the future.  It's so out of context for me and out of character but I can't help it.  I just feel a connection that I can't explain.  With this comes big change, moving, new social ties and everything.  I just really hope I get into their grad program and can afford to go. Money is so important lately and I'm already in debt from undergrad.  I need to save more, spend less, and start planning ahead for my future ideas and goals. I'm just kind of wandering at this point.... waiting for the next shoe to drop and I'm really hoping that shoe drops soon.

December 14th, if the universe lines up, I may find myself in the happiest moment I've been in yet.  I'm really hoping he likes the real me, all of me, and everything we do.  I have a hard time opening my heart to people and this time I can't lose him.

Breaking into creativity again... I guess

I've spent my whole time waiting for prince charming and prince charming was waiting for me.
Running, Chasing, praying, wishing.
the mirror lies, the old wolf cries and snow falls on freshly fallen leaves.

Light shines through the trees, shattering the shadows hidden within,
The horse races toward you, charging with life's last breath.
Fear, hope, then nothing.

He awakens from slumber, in the arms of the prince.
Lost, confused, and safe.
The crown shows truth.

Castles, jewels and power mean little,
The true power lies in love,
Cloaked in warmth the snow melts to spring.

New life is born through the mist,
flowers bloom in ice and roses cover the terrace,
the dove hovers for eternity.