My friend Erin and I were talking about life and all the stress and craziness we're under when she was telling me about how her friend from Australia sent her a letter telling her to not forget the person she wanted to be when she left the "Land Down Under". As she was telling me how touching it was, I almost started crying. This summer, graduation, my family and friends have all challenged me and I've become a completely different person and I'm still transitioning. I realized, by talking with Erin, that I too forgot the person I wanted to be when I came back. I wanted to do great things, get a masters degree and move to a city. I know for a fact at least two of those things aren't accomplished at all.
I'm trying to remember the man I wanted to be and all that I learned while I was abroad as well as the past few years of my life. I'm afraid of the future but it's not going to stop me. I've just been thrown into a new paradigm of existence and I'm just wondering how to find myself again. I tried to reconnect with some friends I thought I could open up to and they just went off about their own lives, interrupted my stories, and springboarded every conversation we had back onto them. I sat there and listened, paid attention and validated their feelings... because that's what friends do. It's been so long since I've been able to open up to more than a few people and not feel judged, boring or forgotten. It's amazing how selfish and foolish people can be and they take advantage of you so easily.
People assume that I'm so strong, and I am in some aspects, and in others I'm so vulnerable it's as if I'm 6 years old again. I miss those innocent moments and sometimes they still catch me off guard. I used to write, read and photograph all the time. I've lost my hobbies, my social structure and a lot of my motivation over this summer and I'm really hoping to get it or something new back. The friends I've kept this summer and stayed close to are the friends I'm hoping to keep forever. The rest... were never really deserving friends to begin with.
I keep getting the feeling that my head and heart are sealing themselves off and it really scares me. I was so open to love and new beginnings when I came back from London and then it was slammed in my face over and over. Even the people I thought would be my rocks weren't. Now I crave to have someone be that for me. A friend, a lover, family... but that spot isn't filled. I bottle up my emotions waiting for when I won't have to any more but I can't seem to find that yet. I also don't want to unleash my repressed emotions on someone who doesn't deserve to have them dumped on them. I really, and not so secretly, wish I could find a guy who steals my heart and keeps it. A confidant, a friend and a partner, but in my world those are hard to come by.... Hell, coffee dates are hard to find in Laramie. I'm going to work here for another year and tough it out but I'm hoping I don't get lost along the way... I need to set some goals.
1) apply to grad schools in a city
2) find a hobby and stick with it
3) focus more on me time and becoming the best me I can be
I am going to stick to these goals and not back down. This time next year I want look back at this post and roll my eyes. Today is the day I'm going to change myself because I want to.
Fortune Favors the Brave
