Close your eyes and breathe...
1...
2....
3......
Feel better?
Me neither....
I've spent days trying to recuperate, de-stress, relax, not complain, try self love/care and it's not adding up. I don't know what I'm doing but I've come to the conclusion that I'm doing things wrong. I need to really grow up, step up and fix my problems. I can't run anymore. Running solves nothing. I've spent years trying to run from my problems and have yet to truly learn how to deal with them. Time's up, the clock struck midnight and life's little fairytale turns back to reality. I really wonder what I'm capable of, I've seen some greatness in my time, I've done great things. Now with limited resources, limited time and very little energy I may have to pull off on of my most difficult performances yet.
Finding myself.
Tuesday, March 25, 2014
Monday, March 3, 2014
End of the line
I'm beginning to wonder what happened to the old me. Parts of me that I truly miss and cherished. I think those parts of me are still here but I just can't access them. Or maybe I'm protecting them from being used again.
I've moved 14 times, lived in four states, and another country. I've done so much and achieved a lot, yet... I think along the way I forgot what makes me work. Writing, swimming, photography, playing outside.
I used to think I was "broken" in high school... man what I wouldn't give to have those days back. College was hard, coming out and standing up for equality was hard, now living a real life with a future and being responsible for the rest of everdom? that's going to be hard.
I've always grown up wanting one thing. A family. If that's even just my husband and my dog or cat... So be it. But that's what I've wanted. Not because "society tells me so" but because once upon a time, a speaker told me "If you've gone through your 20's and haven't fallen in love, you're life hasn't even started." Good thing for me is that I did fall in love... once. It didn't last, but it taught me that I COULD love.
Then things changed, people cheated on me, bad break ups etc. and then my parents went through a 3 year battle of a divorce. I didn't think it would hurt me like it did, or make me feel as bad as it did. Now, it's as if I can't even date. I don't know the protocol, or I get bored. Like I'm too picky or maybe Wyoming gays are just as bad as the gossip leads them to be. I can't help but wonder, through all this time, if I'm just losing my ability to love. To communicate genuinely, because I'm running from something or even myself.
I didn't have the best or worst childhood, I had given up my adolescence for the sake of family. Then my family moved back to Texas and I chose to stay. I think this is one of the first fractures in my soul. I became someone that I never could have without being shattered. I grew up too fast. 16... 26 it didn't matter. I rocked my grades, had two jobs, and still had a social life and balanced family. Now I'm on my own and I have absolutely no balance. I work my ass off for little results, rarely see family or friends, I'm being consumed by my own bitterness and most days I'd rather not even get out of bed. Why you may ask? I'm angry... angry at my dad, at the world, at my old "friends" that weren't really friends and up until college I never even truly experienced anger. Now I'm overloaded with it and I don't have the same relaxing or outsourcing means of "letting off steam".
I'm attempting to get things back on track and then something derails my progress and hits me from the side I'm least expecting. So it's my plan to start getting things back on track, to start running, get a gym pass, sleep better, eat better and BE BETTER. It's all in my control and if I already grew up when I was younger there's no excuse now. Time to be an adult and take the world on. here goes..
I've moved 14 times, lived in four states, and another country. I've done so much and achieved a lot, yet... I think along the way I forgot what makes me work. Writing, swimming, photography, playing outside.
I used to think I was "broken" in high school... man what I wouldn't give to have those days back. College was hard, coming out and standing up for equality was hard, now living a real life with a future and being responsible for the rest of everdom? that's going to be hard.
I've always grown up wanting one thing. A family. If that's even just my husband and my dog or cat... So be it. But that's what I've wanted. Not because "society tells me so" but because once upon a time, a speaker told me "If you've gone through your 20's and haven't fallen in love, you're life hasn't even started." Good thing for me is that I did fall in love... once. It didn't last, but it taught me that I COULD love.
Then things changed, people cheated on me, bad break ups etc. and then my parents went through a 3 year battle of a divorce. I didn't think it would hurt me like it did, or make me feel as bad as it did. Now, it's as if I can't even date. I don't know the protocol, or I get bored. Like I'm too picky or maybe Wyoming gays are just as bad as the gossip leads them to be. I can't help but wonder, through all this time, if I'm just losing my ability to love. To communicate genuinely, because I'm running from something or even myself.
I didn't have the best or worst childhood, I had given up my adolescence for the sake of family. Then my family moved back to Texas and I chose to stay. I think this is one of the first fractures in my soul. I became someone that I never could have without being shattered. I grew up too fast. 16... 26 it didn't matter. I rocked my grades, had two jobs, and still had a social life and balanced family. Now I'm on my own and I have absolutely no balance. I work my ass off for little results, rarely see family or friends, I'm being consumed by my own bitterness and most days I'd rather not even get out of bed. Why you may ask? I'm angry... angry at my dad, at the world, at my old "friends" that weren't really friends and up until college I never even truly experienced anger. Now I'm overloaded with it and I don't have the same relaxing or outsourcing means of "letting off steam".
I'm attempting to get things back on track and then something derails my progress and hits me from the side I'm least expecting. So it's my plan to start getting things back on track, to start running, get a gym pass, sleep better, eat better and BE BETTER. It's all in my control and if I already grew up when I was younger there's no excuse now. Time to be an adult and take the world on. here goes..
Standing in Line
From a small town in Wyoming there’s very little to do,
Except dream up a life much bigger than you.
People like me aren't taught that we can do anything,
We're told quite young to stand in line and wait for the bell to ring.
That line always grows longer with no end in sight,
The sun sinking below the horizon, diming down the light.
When darkness falls, I can truly see the light,
The moon grants its wisdom and will prepare you to fight.
Now the waiting is over and I'm not wasting time,
because people like me don't stand in lines.
Out into the crowd is where you find change,
Not standing around, single-file arranged.
Through sorrow, through hatred, through yelling and pain,
I stand up for others who have been too ashamed.
My journey is NOW with no chance to waste,
That dream starts today without any haste.
My goal is to change the future hidden in strife,
Grad school can get me there, One job may… change my life.
Except dream up a life much bigger than you.
People like me aren't taught that we can do anything,
We're told quite young to stand in line and wait for the bell to ring.
That line always grows longer with no end in sight,
The sun sinking below the horizon, diming down the light.
When darkness falls, I can truly see the light,
The moon grants its wisdom and will prepare you to fight.
Now the waiting is over and I'm not wasting time,
because people like me don't stand in lines.
Out into the crowd is where you find change,
Not standing around, single-file arranged.
Through sorrow, through hatred, through yelling and pain,
I stand up for others who have been too ashamed.
My journey is NOW with no chance to waste,
That dream starts today without any haste.
My goal is to change the future hidden in strife,
Grad school can get me there, One job may… change my life.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)