This is probably the most difficult thing I've ever done.  Going to graduate school is not for the faint of heart or weak-willed.  I moved to Chicago seven months ago and I still feel like I have no idea what I am doing.  This city changes, evolves, grows and rages on past me while I sit wondering about theories, communication, and the future.  I do not know why I am so scared.  I have just fallen back into being a Freshmen again.  The world around me seems overwhelming, uncertain, and honestly... a bit evil.  Everyday there is a new terrible event to hear about.  Even more so there are events lately that are horrible and happening to me.  I lost a friend Tuesday.  He was a hero, a father, a friend, and a great man.  Years of fighting cancer and he decided it was his time to no longer prolong the inevitable.  The creator called, and he answered. 

In my sadness, laziness, depression, and think of all the great things I have done.  I criticize it.  Now I am wondering why.  I have done so many incredible things for a person my age.  I gave 110% to almost everything I did until I left Wyoming.   Those last few months though were so defeating.  Being neglected by my friends, controversy with my family, being thrown back into the whirlwind of instability that plagues my past.  All of those things were meant to change me, help me grow, and move forward.  I guess I did change from it.  I became jaded and resentful toward the things I once held dear.  I lost large amounts of my vocabulary, my ability to get rest, and my ability to see the light really.  It has been nothing short of terrifying coming to Chicago.  Once I arrived, I fell through circles and circles of torment, transition, self-pity, and doubt.  I was pulled through a lot of that by my new friends, old friends, and confidant.

            I am met with a similar struggle.  I am not happy.  I do not know what exactly will change that but it needs to change and it needs to change now.  I need my mind to wake up, to retain more memory, to become motivated.  I will trace the lines of the future to the back of my hands and hold on to the path destined for me.  I will no longer idly sit by and watch time race past me.  I have a job, an education, and a life.  I will succeed in what I do and what I want.  Time waits for no man and it is time for me to revolutionize my life. 

            What do I like: water, pizza, the sun, outdoors, being active, friends, dancing, singing, being around students, teaching, learning, making money, traveling, being around positive energy, being engaged in flow. 
            I need to find ways to make all of the above more of a priority.  I need to balance my life and stabilize what I have in order to move on with my future.  I have very few months left in this program.  I will now be the one job searching, finishing my portfolio, and graduating.  Again.  I will have successfully completed my B.A. and M.Ed. I could go on for another degree but I am so tired I do not think I would survive it.  I need a break.  Not a stagnant one. I just need time to re-evaluate all that I am, and all that I wish to be.