Distracted

Television ruins everything. Constantly waiting for people to be lured into the false reality of true love. I believe in love and sometimes still believe there is someone out there for everyone. I just cannot wait to find the truth. Whatever it may be... My heart hurts, no matter what I do I have a hard time feeling anything that I used to. I feel like I'm on the brink of something. I don't know what it is. And I'm in a really strange emotional place. I feel like I've been changed so much that I don't know where I am in the real world. I can't control my thoughts any more. I don't know what to feel or who to trust. Growing up isn't the best, but it's important. It's necessary.

Searching

Lost in thought, I seem to worry. Run around, forever in hurry. Little moments in between, snowflakes, leaves, dew drops glean. Remind me of a simpler place, A place in fantasy I can't erase. Know the truth and look within, Tomorrow's adventure will soon begin.

Control

I can't save the world, I am not perfect. I can, however, make a difference. I spread myself too thin. Why? because I thought it's what I do. I realized now that it's more about what people don't do. There's a deficit of workers, there are more people concerned about their looks and their social ties than working hard to earn their worth or make a difference. In my generation, I'm a dying breed. A leader of all sorts just doing what I can. It's not enough though. I'm one man, standing on the notion that others will be the safety net. They won't though, not enough to stop the force of impact without hurting others. So I strive for more, I push myself and us my past as motivation. I slip up a lot, make mistakes, do things I shouldn't and waste time. Who doesn't? But I try not to waste YOUR time. I try to be there and do what's asked of me but sometimes it doesn't work out as planned. That's when you take a step back, reevaluate and try again. Perseverance doesn't fail you, even if you fail. For standing in the face of adversity is the true strength a person can thrive on. I work too hard on things I can't control. One day I'll slow down and mellow out. Until then, I'll continue to us my youth to do all I can, be goofy and try too hard at things that I laugh at myself for anyway. That's something that I miss though. Really laughing. I think that after these last few years I've just changed my perspective on things too much that my "funny bone" has been a little damaged. I want it back, I miss laughing at the most ridiculous things. It's slowly coming back, my real, full on, loud chipmunk laugh... Oh boy am I awkward. Thanks to Kalayla's pictures and some texts throughout the day(and social committee) I get some great laughs in. I'm working on a balance of life, school life and me. I'm closer than I've ever been to it and one day soon I'll reach it. Just in time to relax and study in London for a semester. Then it's time for the real world and life to become better than I have been and exceed my own expectations... Look out world... here I come. PS: Wine was consumed in the making of this message... really classy wine.

Life has a lot of ups and downs

People always say "it's like a roller coaster" implying bad things... funny thing is: I've always liked roller coasters.

It's not over yet...

This is the story of a girl. A long time ago, two school children met on the playground, they began playing with friends. Years down the road they had classes together, went to middle school together, friends birthday parties, dances, etc. High School separated them. Years passed as they grew up, shaped their adolescence and grew into early adulthood. The rite of passage all students take into the after-high-school stage threw these two schoolchildren into each others paths once again. The boy walked across campus, staring at the beige colored buildings, the bike racks, the light poles and the surrounding are of the College Classroom Building. Bewildered and amazed as a blast from the past came into view. He called out her name, shocked she didn't recognize him at first... then the reunion began over the course of a few months. A class together, going to dances/dinner, study dates and coffee ensued.

Fast forward through crying, Sonic Runs, baking fiascoes(I still don't use perfect measurements, concerts, adventures and shenanigans these two had grown into amazing individuals.

Here's where this short story should say "And they lived happily ever after" but it won't. This isn't any ordinary love story. I've known Kalayla since 2nd grade, in little Evanston, Wyo. From there to Houston, Boston and back we've become phenomenal leaders, amazing friends and loyal people to those around us. We were crutches, tissues, boxing bags, laughter and fun. We inspired peopls but most of all we inspired each others in so many ways. Today we had to part, she said "I don't know why I didn't think I'd have to say goodbye to you, I just thought you'd be going with me." I didn't know what it would feel like until that moment. When part of you has to move on and you need to let it. We've made it through tremendous, ridiculous things and we're still here. Crying in the parking lot, waiting to take the next step. We'll make it through. That doesn't mean my heart isn't sad that she's leaving. I'm going to miss you Kalayla. I love you so much and you will do so many amazing things! You're stronger than you think. It's not happily ever after, it's better than that. This story isn't over, and there are a lot more adventures to come :) -Not the End-

"I write because no one listens"

I write because no one listens. I saw this phrase on Facebook and realized that I may have writers block sometimes but writing is the portal to my inner thoughts. Most people never hear or get to hear my true thoughts. Most of the time people aren't listening any way. I think that's why I spend most of my time alone, or in small groups. I like my free time to relax and not have to deal with everyone else's issue on top of bottling mine. People in this town seem to use others to get what they want, someone to vent to, have sex with or just plain take out repressed aggression on to make themselves feel better. I used to spend so much time in writing and reading until I became so wrapped up in the world and experiencing things that I forgot where I developed my passion and creativity. Not only in books but in my mind. I would wake up at early hours of the morning and not sleep. Only write what I thought or felt. No reserve or holding back. Just pure thought on cyber paper, so-to-speak. I've been trying to hold onto everything, waiting until I go to London, graduate, grow up... I've been waiting to see if everything I've held onto will be released but it definitely won't. Workouts, haircuts, and not even going into my past have brought out the toxic anger lodged inside myself. I hope that I start to find a way. I've slowly started letting go and forgiving. I just hope the process speeds up a little. I'm a Safe Zone Coordinator, Student Ambassador, ASUW Senator for the College of Arts and Sciences, a Senior, a Student, a Cowboy, a Son, a Brother, a Grandson... all this seems confusing and strange that I have all these titles. I'm excited for my senior year and to study abroad... Let's see what happens after that... I can't wait :) I just hope I can let go of my anger along the way.

Discover a new world

The semester is growing closer. I cannot wait for Fall 2012! I have so much planned and so many things I wish to accomplish. That also puts me one step closer to graduation and the real world. I am so nervous but I also think it's going to be an adventure. There are too many things to look forward to so I cannot let myself be brought down by bad thoughts. Negativity is not needed. I wish that one day I'll be in a good place with my family. That one day we can be civil and understanding. I also hope I get all my "ducks" in a row in time. Getting ready for graduation in London may be a little more difficult than I am ready for. Lately I've been thinking a lot and wondering about life and such. It's funny how 3 years ago I was such a dork, quiet, shy and had low self-esteem. Now look at me, successful in college, active, hard-working, strong, passionate and driven. Growing up is a really hard thing but becoming an adult is even more strenuous. Sometimes I wonder why I am the one to have to grow up and mature so quickly but I am so thankful for it. I wouldn't be the man I am today if it weren't for the trials and hardships that I've been through. Everyone has a story, I feel like I have a novel. In the end, the decisions we make lead us to our fate but the decisions left unmade lead us to darkness and bitterness. Living life is so crucial. I'm alright. I am happy, ready, prepared, cautious, smart, worthy and excited. I may be stressed, broke and worry too much but I don't let that get to me. Sometimes I may be lonely but I love myself enough to know that I'll be okay, and hopefully my next adventures will lead me to greatness. I really want love, adventure, and to see new places. I hope that the world brings me that, even more? I hope I earn that and I'm rewarded for my efforts. After all, nice guys finish last, fortune favors the brave, patience is a virtue.... it's all about hard work, devotion and perseverance. SO love, live, and laugh at yourself. Expel negative energy, forgive people, and surround yourself with good people, good vibes and good times. Memories aren't manufactured, they're discovered.

The Fantastical

I'm a dreamer of the fantastical. I wish for things that aren't real and have an imagination most would familiarize with insanity. I love to live in my own little world. On few occasions reality and dreams intertwine. Life becomes so fun and colorful with life that I don't need to daydream because my life lives it. Other times I am perpetually lost in nightmares. Horror after horror reliving the tale as if the grim reaper himself was the narrator of my story. This all may seem overly dramatic, but it's supposed to... It's fantastical! I'm aware of reality. I don't enjoy it, but im fully aware of its implication on the imagination. It leads to some of the most amazing ideas, works of art and writing that can withstand the tests of time. In that regards, i am my own storyteller. I control the perspective of what I see and how I manage the dealings that occur I'm my stellar life. From the stars to the trees what I see is mine to see fit. Innovation and thinking outside the box leads you to new heights, adventures and discoveries. According to my, surprisingly accurate horoscope, I am meant to live in my dream world but with a price. Living in a dream world makes me forget about reality and once I'm reminded of it, I am bummed or saddened by it. I normally don't care that I daydream, it makes me more motivated to achieve the goals and inspirations that my mind can muster.

Enough

I am seriously in need of a vacation. I have such a short temper that it's insane of me to even contemplate keeping my mouth shut. I'm so tired of being treated like a child but expected to act as an adult with my life together. I drive all the way here to see my family and then they don't want to do anything, the kids are misbehaved brats, my aunts are fighting, my family is beyons dysfunctional. "Everyone's family is" that's just a fucking cop out to say "I don't want to listen to your problems" I try to be a good friend and listen but when I need someone to listen everyone either doesn't, they think I'm whining or just talk about themselves more. Once in a damn while I would like the respect I deserve. I'm seriously such an angry person lately and I don't know what to do about it. I need this lease at the Grove gone so I can move on with my life and my dreams. I cannot sit around and watch as others live the life I want. It's time to aim high and go for it. Get in shape, get good grades, and graduate. I think it's all pretty simple to get through. In the grand scheme of things. But in light of how things have gone lately then maybe it'll be a huge feat. It's time to persevere and do what I thought I couldn't. I'm not a quitter and I'm not backing down. I need to remember to breath, find what makes me happy and go for it. Even if I'm on my own. People need to advocate for themselves and start learning to live without me. I'm not leaving, but I have my own life to live. I've already wasted enough of it.

Revolution

I'm thinking of writing a novel, and I'm not sure what it'll be about nor do I care yet. But people think it's kind of weird. I'm just disappointed in the lack of curiosity and adventure some people have. With the world spiraling into chaos why not take a little risk and enjoy what life has to offer. I'm 21 and I'm not ready for life to take me too seriously just yet. Who cares if people think it's weird, or use it against me. I want to accomplish a lot and I'm not going to wait around for cool things to happen when I can do them myself. My generation doesn't do what society wants us to, or what is expected of us. We do what we want and may seem entitled but we are the generation of diversity. We have so many avenues and aspects that are so unique and different that nothing we do is the same, everything changes so rapidly we adapt, and we can't hold still or pay attention. The things that my generation can or will do are frowned upon and thought to be ridiculous but really we're innovators. Finding new ways to adapt and change perspectives on old ideas and bring about completely new information. We also have the potential to breed chaos and apathy. But as Egypt saw, we can create a revolution in 160 characters or less. The smallest of things can expand into the greatest of dimensions, growing beyond our wildest expectations.

the Human Experience

Being human is by far one of the most intense, confusing, illogical experiences that this world has to offer. There's so much pain, beauty and happiness. It's hard to know the difference between which is which. It's all a test of perception. Grounded in reality beyond the existence of any logical conclusion. There's no way of telling what is real until you have something to hold onto forever. We crave and demand things but never really worry about the little moments we miss, the seconds that tick by while we join in a rat race that will never have a finish line. More people need to step back and slow down. Take advantage of what they have, stop worrying so much about long term things and appreciate what's right in front of you. I take risks, can seem cocky or arrogant but in all reality: I don't waste time. I utilize each moment, capitalize on as many opportunities as I can and I try to make the world a better place. If everyone started doing that then this world would be such a better place to be in. We're connected by small things, tiny things... minuscule objects that are so overlooked you have no idea how you've met most of the people in your life. Surround yourself with good company, stop having a dim outlook on things and pursue that which scares you. Fear is a motivator but it also allows for innovation and creativity to blossom. I don't want to regret life, or anything in. I appreciate my mistakes, I laugh at myself and I choose to be 100% me. No exceptions. Knowing yourself allows others to appreciate the true values you have to offer. Today, I'm getting my 8th tattoo. I've been told to stop, or I won't like it later in life. But I can't not. The word I'm getting around my ankle is "perseverance". Perseverance- persistent determination. It's standing when standing isn't easy. If you fall down three times, stand up four- Chinese Proverb. I'm asked all the time "How do you do it?" "How do you handle it?" and I get frustrated and sad by those questions. You don't have a choice if you want to live. You deal, you cry, scream, yell, punch, run, or whatever. You just... DO. I don't pretend that I'm perfect, but I'm not weak. I'm a country boy, and I'm as strong as the foundation that my life was built upon. That with broken ribs and a bruised ego I will get up, dust myself off, and get back on to ride. I'm not going to lay there and wait for something to happen, that's when you get stepped on and you don't get back up. I don't pretend that I don't cry. I cry a lot, and I'm not ashamed. How can you be human without experiencing all that humanity has to offer? I love easily but truly. I trust cautiously but fully. I also know everyone else has their stories, a background. A past that may be blessed or broken. I make snap judgments but I refuse to judge a person off of superficial expressions. But that also means I don't give second chances very often and I protect my heart from letting people too close to me. I put myself out there in the hope that one day fortune will favor the brave. Ciao,

Lies adults told me.

Remember that time I drove to Texas twice in 3 weeks? Yeah me too. Family is supposed to be the ties that bind. Sometimes those ties are severed and you have to keep truckin' along like everything is fine and hunky dory. LIES haha, it's okay to not be okay if you're taking care of yourself. Sometimes that's really hard for people to hear. This weekend my mom told me "I keep thinking if Brody can be alone then I can do it." This was really hard for me to hear. I didn't magically become okay with being alone. I was forced to deal with a hard situation and I chose to rise above it. Everyone has rough situations and deals differently but the very rare few know right away what to do. There's beauty in the chaos of trying to revive a life that's long since lost. Only if you have the courage and strength to look forward to the future and make a difference in your own life. I'm not a life coach, or exceedingly successful in this world. I struggle and make mistakes. But I learn, and I use them to my advantage. There's a difference between learning and giving up. It's really important to be thankful for those who have gotten you this far, but even more important to have faith in yourself. To know you'll be okay on your own. At the end of the day, you're all you've really got. So live it up, make good choices and don't take life for granted.

Stay Tuned

Today I was asked what my autobiography would be titled and why... I thought on it and realized that my title would probably be "The Broken Pieces" because I'm the collaboration of a broken person put back together. I know that I've been through a lot and it makes you stronger but I've been so broken down and beaten that sometimes I even wonder how I made it this far. I'm really thankful for all the love and support in my life :) haha. Sometimes I just get a little lost. Which happens to a lot of us. Today was such a beautiful day... I think I'm starting to open my eyes more to opportunity and see what this world really has to offer. As well as the great people in it. I hope to continue finding myself and pushing my boundaries. I also hope I can learn to live in a way that I've always wanted... by respecting and loving others. It's important I hold onto those values and get back my personality without being angry and mean. I'm really going to try to make the best out of this coming year. It's going to be epic :) stay tuned. ;)

Life's Little Lessons

Sometimes, pretending to be okay is worse than admitting you're hurting. Well, being put in a situation where you feel helpless doesn't help. But I really am okay. I can handle anything, just sometimes I shouldn't be the one handling it. I'm 21. I've grown up faster than most people should and the best part is that I doubt even more than four people would ever understand the background that I came from. Others have definitely had it worse and I'm not trying to belittle that, we all face trials and obstacles... my family just seemed to get them in greater intensity. They say that sacrifice is giving up something for the betterment of yourself or others... the other definition is killing to appease a deity. So did we do what we did to help our family? or were we left on the chopping block? Personally, I feel as if I was waiting in line behind Marie Antoinette. haha too soon? I can handle a lot, it's just that sometimes I prefer to talk about it and not bottle things up. I don't need advice, or a huge lecture. Just someone to listen. I usually love hearing both sides, but playing devils advocate and giving others the benefit of the doubt doesn't help the situation. Most of the time, it's because people make it seem like I never get the benefit of the doubt and I'm the irrational one. It could be my fault for not making them understand my story or point of view. Like I said, I don't have a lot of people who know that story. It's not really one I like to tell either. Eight years of torment, lies and doing nothing but trying to survive. When you're in survival mode, it's really hard to leave it and enjoy life. I had a good portion of my adolescence taken from me because I had to step up and do things that my family wouldn't or couldn't... I don't regret it, it made me who I am and I would rather be the product of a hard life than be coddled into blissful ignorance. Life isn't just being happy all the time, until you experience all the good and bad you know only a portion of what it's like to be alive. When you experience the bad emotions, you can appreciate the good so much more. Funny how life works out, even from the shadows beauty can be born. Even in light, beauty can be torn.

Don't forget it's Earth Day!

Happy Earth Day! Today... used to be big deal in my hometown... I remember my 3rd grade class getting a tree donated and planting it on my elementaries open field. Today, Matt, Tino and I are pairing up with Multi-cultrual Advocates for Women Empowerment to participate in sustainability clean up around the University of Wyoming Campus. It's a really great program and I'm sad to see such a small turnout from Spectrum. It'll still be grewat and fun though for all who participate in it. I'm not a hippie, or green peace by any means but I believe that people need to be made more concisously aware of the implications they have on this planet. Waste, garbage and manufacturing has taken it's toll and will continue to make it's mark on the planet. The human footprint is large and only increasing in its size. So start the initiative. Recycle paper, plastic, or make a compost heap. The world will thank you one day. :)

I'm struggling with the reality of people in my life. It's more and more confusing as time runs on. Especially my family. I start to wonder what they really think about me. Or what I do in college. My siblings and I are so different, I just wonder if I'm taken advantage of or pushed aside because it's easier to do it me. I'm the nice kid, the one who was always so obedient and well behaved. These last years I've tried to stay independent and on my own but I've resorted to relying on my parents from time to time. Though, not as much as they relied on me. At first I felt like I owed them for them raising me, but I realized that's their job. To raise me. Once I went to college things were supposed to change for the better. Which for me they did, for my parents they didn't. Sometimes I wonder if they blame me. I used to be the glue to the family. My sister is about to go to college, finally, and my parents are getting divorced. I'm conflicted in becoming an adult. I'm even more conflicted that grown adults rely on their 21 year old college student and not the 22 year old with a high paying career, or the high school daughter that has a job... I'm 25,000 dollars in debt, soon to be more. The economy is fluxing, America is spiraling, and all I want is just pursue my goals without taking care of people that I shouldn't be obligated to take care of. Saddest part is that I would love to help them if they were in a place that they actually needed help. I would drop everything in a heartbeat. That's not the case here, their irresponsibility. I wish that I didn't feel this way but I do. Sometimes parents make mistakes, and sometimes the scars run too deep. There is a lot of greatness in my life, but there are a lot of things that I have to accept and deal with. I accept that the circumstances of my past are not present in my current life, but those same circumstances are the building blocks of my existence.

Dreaming in a Wonderland

I can't stay in one place for too long. I think that has a lot to do with my parents. They moved around a lot and so I think that's what led to me moving a lot. We traveled all the time when I was a little tyke. Arizona every summer, Lake Havasu for Spring Break... we lived out of our boat. I miss those days so much. My family was together and we made our own fun. I had one of the most wild imaginations of anyone I ever crossed paths with. I want that imagination back. I've locked away creativity in order to maintain composure. But now I can't maintain composure and I just want to be happy. I want life back, excitement in the small things and things I used to love. I'm slowly going back to the things I loved and finding new things :)

This year has changed me, made me adapt and appreciate people again. Matt has somehow allowed me to trust people which I was afraid I'd never get that back. I'll be forever indebted to him for that. He makes me feel like I'm so powerful, smart and can do anything. He inspires me to greatness even if he doesn't know it. The faith and beauty of that boys soul makes me truly believe angels are among us. He's a pure spirit with a pure heart. Recognizing the good in others. He should recognize the good in himself as well, because what I see is pure greatness. I'm not saying this because we're seeing each other, I'm saying it as a friend. That boy's going places.

I have a lot of hope for humanity. I have great people in my life, amazing opportunity and the passion to accomplish whatever it is comes my way. It's time for me to recognize that. I still don't believe I'm as attractive as people say, I am a harsh critic on myself, and I never feel like my accomplishments are as great as they could be. But this year it's different. I'm actually realizing that what I do is great, that it sets me apart from others and my uniqueness is actually accepted. That I'm appreciated. Angela cried when she was saying her thank you's in the SSSJ Welcome. She's been so much more than a supervisor, than a professor... she's been a mentor, an idol and a friend. She's been so amazing to me. I'm so thankful for her in my life.

I'm led down a path, with no direction to go.
The road that I chose wasn't meant to show.

Life decisions

It's been a while since I've posted. So here goes. haha. A lot has changed. And a lot has stayed the same... Where to start... where to start...
Some of the last few things I wrote about have been on my mind a lot. I think I may have had some of those prayers answered. The most amazing guy came into my life at the exact right time. He's sweet and funny, dorky, quirky and gorgeous. All that aside. He has the most beautiful heart and the most amazing mind. He's fascinating and he makes me completely comfortable. I'm never worried about messing up or trying too hard because everything we do is natural. It's moving at it's own pace and he makes me so extraordinarily happy. He's so beautiful, inside and out.

The symposium is over, and it was great! But soooooooooo much work. Running a national symposium is exhausting.
www.shepardsymposium.org
There were some moments that were rough but easily fixed and I was able to work with some of the most amazing people! :) the committee members are so great. They're my family and they understand my passions.

My final group project is over which was such a pain in the ass! But I'm so close to finishing this semester! I cannot wait! I'm ready for summer, and being an orientation leader! Things are moving forward, myself along with them.

I really am considering the peace corps. I think it would be an amazing experience for me and I would really enjoy the knowledge gained by going to another culture and working with them for 2 years.

I still want to go to graduate school but I want to travel first and experience things while I still can.

Deja Vu

Deja Vu, I take things like this more seriously than others. I believe in the supernatural and things outside of the ordinary. I also believe in fate. Things are meant to happen in certain ways at certain times. Last night, I had an amazing night. Things literally played out like a movie and I loved it :) the thing is, I wasn't expecting it, or asking for it. It just happened. Now I get to look forward to the things to come from this and I anticipate some great things. If not I'll always learn from it :)

Fairy Tales

I'm really tired of everything, my heart isn't in this anymore. I'm tired of consoling friends when it's convenient for them. In certain ways I feel like I should be so independent(which I pretty much am) and just continue being me. I've overwhelmed myself and now I'm trying to clean it all up. I just don't know what people want from me. Not everyone, but there are certain people in my life that I would really like if they could get over their issues or at least tell me what they are so I can move on. The second I stop trying to force things out of them they think I'm ignoring them, or I get too defensive and they think that I'm too set in my ways. Well news flash: I AM! I am the way that I am because of how I've been burned in the past. Now I'm broken, hurt, stressed and lonely and it takes all my energy to put a damned smile on my face and make sure that all your venting gets accomplished. I don't like venting anymore because I feel that people stop listening to me. They only want their problems to be heard or they try and throw advice on my. Guess what, most of the time I don't want or need your advice, I just need people to listen to me. I'm not like most people my age and I think that's why people don't understand me. I'm not sure how to change things because I don't really want them to be that different. I would love for some attention from one attractive guy in this town without loaded questions or beating around the bush. Oh wait! I'm on the list of people not to talk to and every guy in town is so deep in the closet they're dust bunnies. I need out of this place, on to new things and new people. to grow and experience all the things that are out there. Not be trapped in this small town where dreams are belittled and everyone knows you.

I want my parents divorce finalized, I want to be paid back so I have financial security, I want to start my job, take a break from school, have fun, get back into photography, dream, not stress, travel, go back to San Diego. I started to realize the old me when I went home over break. Piece of my true character I'd forgotten.

It would be nice to have someone with me: hold my hand, watch movies, a warm body to sleep next to.

sometimes... in the middle of an ordinary day, life and love give you a fairy tale. I want a fairy tale. I believe in true love, and I'm a total romantic. Guess that's my curse.

Mis-commuication

Miscommunication leads to some hard things, but it's just that "mis"-communication. I hurt someone, in an attempt to protect my heart. We both hurt each other. I don't think this is the end. I'm willing to work on this until the end of days. I can't lose him. I won't. I hope he has the heart to forgive me. Things went great, so amazing even. But the message I never should have sent was read. I can't explain how sorry I am, or how low I feel. That's the only thing in my entire life this far that I regret doing. I would give anything to take it back. But I can't. I dreamt of this life and I should have been more patient and listened to my gut and not my friend. They give some of the worst advice. Expect Kelsey and Christina. They gave me what I needed to make it through this. I just... I just... hope he's willing to work on it with me. I would never intentionally hurt him; I never thought I would. This happens in relationships though. They just need to be worked through. It's new for both of us. I'm going to try and make it through today with a clear head. I hope for good news, but I'm ready to bear the consequences of my immature actions. I'm sorry.

facing hard times doesn't define you. What you do after those times is where strength is born. Sometimes things are misrepresented. I'll admit sometimes I don't make the most sense-making thoughts but I still admit my failures and stand my ground on my facts. Things worth keeping aren't easy right? So I'm not going to give up. Fortune cookies say... "the beginning is the hardest part, hang in there" so I'm hanging in there. I'll stay until it hurts, fight until I fail, and stay true to myself. I'm a survivor and a fighter. I will not back down in the face of challenge. I will be resilient and strong even in my darkest moments. I'm strong, smart and important. even if I don't like to admit it. I will achieve greatness

Something I should have figured out a long time ago

I realized today that I can control things the way I want them to be. It's something I think I've always known but just didn't quite know how to address. People come to things in their own time, and in their own terms. I get that now. I just need to be happy for the things I do have and then let everything else play out the way that it should. My grandpa's expression is: You can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink. This is very true. I need to just trust things and let them come to be in their own time.

Don't Let the Music Stop

I'm trying to figure out life. I know... big shock. Things lately have been stressful from every direction. Hard, scary, sad, happy, funny, lonely, lovely, and more. But I came to a conclusion and I stole this quote from a movie, "Faces in the Crowd", and it was "whatever you do, don't let the music stop." Life is like the shuffle on your MP3 player/iPod. Sometimes you have a streak of happy songs, love songs, or songs that make you want to dance; sometimes the songs want to make you cry, scream or hit someone. Different songs make you feel different, act different and you relate the lyrics to your own life. The music plays and life goes on, whatever you do, don't let the music stop. I wish I had the strength to push the skip button and move on from the songs I don't want to hear but I can't. Experiencing life means the good and the bad, I can't pick and choose. I just feel that now I'm finally trying to trust people again and I get burned. I don't think people care about me as much as I care about them. I don't know that of course but lately I just haven't felt it as much. Maybe it's not the caring part, but more of the trust. I give people 100% of my trust and try to be a good listener and communicator. But it's a two-way street. Sometimes I feel like the only car on the road. I finally have great things in my life and I want to hold on so tight that it's almost too much, then I back off and feel like I'm slipping away and not holding on. I have to put faith in people when I don't think they put faith in me. It's not just one person and that's the problem. It's so many little things that I'm beginning to wonder who I'm really afraid of. I think I'm afraid... of me. The expectations I have just disappoint me when I don't reach them and I don't know how to lower the bar. The world spins and you either get lost in the vortex or run with it. I always thought I was in the vortex, just turns out, I'm one of the few running with it. I just don't want to finish the race alone. don't let the music stop, keep listening to the lyrics, and live. Love with all your heart, take a risk with me, and I'll prove that I'm worth it.

I'm scared. I normally don't admit to that but I am. I don't know about what, but for some reason I can't shake this feeling of overwhelmed emotion. Little things trigger these huge scenarios in my head and then I can't stop thinking about it and it just leaves me with worry and stress. I just want to curl up in a little ball and hide from the world for a bit. But that's cowardice. I just wish I could clear my head. Even for an hour...
I just keep reminding myself of the good things that I have in my life. I have to in order to make it. Family, friends, love, boyfriend, a future... I just wish I had a few more answers. or a hug. haha

My deepest thought is thinking.
My deepest fear is fearing,
The truth becomes endearing.

Embrace emotions in flawless form,
Through experience novelty is born,
Reality has now been torn.

Existence is a fickle thing,
Insanity it now will bring,
Don't forget to stop and sing.

The tables hop,
The sounds will pop,
Whatever you do: don't let the music stop

Writer's Block

I'm taking a break from studying, I can't seem to finish this paper so I'm writing here to try and free up my writer's block and stuff. I don't really know where to start. I had a great weekend. Got to skype with the most amazing boyfriend... I miss him a lot. :(
I partied a little. Slept, and now I'm just trying to do some homework. I have so many things on my checklist that I don't know how I'm going to check them all off in time. I need to take a step back, slow down and have some more fun. I really miss swimming.

Feeling free, open, powerful, agile... gah! Just to feel being underwater. My mind can slow down, everything makes sense, and I just... exist. It's pure freedom. I feel safe when I'm swimming.

It reminds me of being with my boyfriend. he makes it so easy to just breath and relax. Even just skyping, I feel a little bit better every time I see him. I finally got to hear him sing. It was so beautiful. I don't care that he thinks he's a bad singer. He's not, his tone, the feeling behind the music. It's so amazing. I really wish we lived closer :/ Just to hug him, see him, play with his hair and look into those stunningly perfect eyes.

Friendly advice,

My friend was just in a really bad break up, and everyone was giving sympathy on Facebook and trying to be good friends. Everything they said just didn't seem like it would help so I put this:

Don't give up, even though it hurts the happiness is worth some of the sadness. And it can teach you a lesson. You grow stronger and smarter. Until you're ready and you and your true love will find each other. It's harder to stand up in the face of adversity than to love for eternity.

Maybe it can help someone else too.

Brody: the explorer

I can't worry too much, in hopes that somehow making me worry will solve the problem. Because it doesn't. I'm trying to sort things out and take a breath. It's a new thing for me. haha. But it's already helped.

I had problems falling asleep last night, I missed my guy, I had so much to do, and I was so tired. I was so tired I forgot that I was trying to actually sleep. I finally realized that I can't worry about things when I'm laying down so I started counting my blessings so to speak. I'm in love with the most amazing guy, my family loves me, I'm in school, I have food, shelter... etc and I realized I went into the deepest most restful sleep I've had in a very long time. I'm also happier than I've ever been! :)
I had lunch with Christina and I have some of the most amazing friends and people in my life. No matter how things work out, I'll always be able to take a breath, I can handle anything. I'm strong, I've gotten here, and I will get to an amazing place in life. My stress started to get to me today when I realized that I do it to myself for the wrong reasons. That's why it overwhelms me. So I need to stand up, do what's best for me and for everyone else. Time to grow up a little again. My world is my playground, my office and my adventures. Time to become an explorer :p

Fallen

I had the most amazing weekend ever. There aren't any words to explain it. I spent a day and a half with the most amazing guy in the entire world. I haven't been able to stop thinking about him all day. I cried a little when he left. I'm so happy he came down here. it made my year.
He's so amazing. Gorgeous, best laugh... funny, a great story teller, caring, outgoing, relaxed and at times a little too easy going. haha.

I feel safe with him. And I want him to feel safe with me. We've both been hurt and I feel that we're both really cautious... but no matter how fast this began, I haven't felt more right. More... In love. I'm scared, nervous, excited, everything. I've never felt this many emotions at once. I can't wait to see him again.

I hope this doesn't sound too mushy or anything, if it does, then so be it. I've never felt like this before. Just seeing him smile makes my heart jump, or hearing his heart beat. The smell of his hair, the feeling of his hands in mine. Everything. Those ridiculously gorgeous eyes: Blue, green and silver. So gorgeous. when he blushes, or when he's thinking. He's amazing. When he gets excited and makes these cute little noises. My apartment is empty and it feels weird, him not being here. Like we've known each other for a lot longer. I trust him, and it's all new to me.

If he's reading this he should know: I love you.

See you soon Baby Boy

Stranded

I'm trying to understand... but I don't. I'm not sure how to do this, or where to go. I'm happy, scared, disappointed, worried, stressed, tired, think too much, and push too hard.
I thought I was getting back what I was putting into this. I'm not sure. I hope I'm proven wrong. If not then it's back to locking things away.

If I'm disappointed and I get my hopes up only to have them crushed... it's going to be a while before my defenses go down. if ever. This is the first time some of those walls will be down at all. My hearts out there, and if it gets sent back... I'm just going to pray it's in one piece this time.

Everything is overwhelming, I can't concentrate and I'm trying to keep school as my priority. I feel like I've just shuffled stress around rather than actually relieved any. All these plans and ideas have started making set backs. I hope I can bounce back. I don't even know what I'm doing. There's no plan.
Hilary said it, we're the elect. we're the brains of the future because our generation doesn't have the ability to think.

I've always loved paradise, I think I just built and island and built it so far away no one knows where it is... and I'm just praying a life boat comes a shore.

Ramblings of a mad man

I know what I know. You never really see yourself like others do. Crazy Right?!?!?! I'm stating the freaking obvious. But seriously, I don't know when I'm going to see what others see. Like my guy, he sees so much in me that I don't. Jessi, she sees so many things that I didn't really ever know. Today, my supervisor said some of the most amazing things about me. Maybe I'm starting to believe them, after all, the people in our circles are our mirrors of self reflection. We are our toughest critics, also some of our greatest enablers, but I think that there's a lesson to learn from everyone we meet. There's always something to gain. It doesn't matter how long you've known them or whether the interaction was good or bad. I don't really know what I'm trying to say here. I'm mostly rambling trying to get words out. But for the most part. I think that every person I met was in my life for a reason. I also know that everyone lies. Life is about finding the Truth, or picking the best liar. I lie, everyone has little white lies here and there. But I try and make the best effort to be honest. I'm hoping that it gets me somewhere. I've seen where lies get you, and that's not a place that I'm going to end up being in. I will not compromise my integrity for the sake of others.

War

You...have just... waged a war. See funny thing is? I judge you. I know I shouldn't and I try not to but you make it beyond easy. Easier than lighting a firecracker. Maybe if you wouldn't of lied to me, over and over, told rumors about me and told people to "stay away from me" I could actually see you as a person. But now, the tables are finally turned. I would be careful of how fake nice you are to me next time. You've played your hand, but you have no game. The only way I'm not plotting ways to seek revenge on you is because no one listens to you and you have 0 credibility.

Karma will come for you, and I hope it's 3 fold. Be prepared. You were a boy when we met, and you grew down. You narcissistic prick. I'm about to revitalize your face, with my tarnished brand.

new

I think I need to start living for myself. I thought that I have been doing that since I started college but really I had just been allowed to have freedom due to circumstances. It's time to realize what's best for me. So in doing that, I should be able to reach my freedom. It may be hard, but the lines need to be drawn.

On a lighter note? I'm elated over something. Or someone rather. No details are necessary yet. But it brightens my day :)

School is great and my internship rocks! I just need to catch up on some homework tomorrow and I'll be good to go. :)

Things are great.

Fear is just False Evidence Appearing Real. :)

This is not my history book

My name isn't written in history books, nor am I a superstar, hero or famous figure. This doesn't mean I'm insignificant. The power of thought has limitless possibilities. Most of all, it has dire consequences. I don't think like most people, I don't act like normal people and I like to live out fantasies in my head. My imagination is what brings out my personality through art, music, writing or even my language. It's uniquely linked to my inner being. Do I sound crazy? maybe. Does it matter? no, not even for the four people who may skim over this.
I don't know what I want to do with my degree, so shoot me. I'm not good in just one class, or one area. I'm flexible, diverse, cultured, innovative and hard working. It's interesting that some people still don't see that. Most do, but other things become more pertinent. I'm 20, and it's not the fact that I'm young that I don't know my future path. It's that I have so many paths to choose I just need to find the most favorable one. I'm caught in a world of pulling strings. I'm pulled here, there, everywhere. I can't wait to see where I go but that's the thing. "I" have to do it, and do it alone. Not alone as in lonely, or independent exactly. I need my family to realize the man I've become. I'm not the kid they remember or see. Our family isn't like it used to nor will it ever be the same.

I'm a pretty smart guy, not to brag. But I've got a lot of things going for me. Sometimes I use this blog when I'm down because people don't want to listen to other people's problems. Sometimes I wish it were more uplifting. At the same time, no one will know how I feel inside. Most won't care or want to offer advice. When really I want to just be held or have someone in my arms and say "It'll be okay."

Writing is my outlet, and tomorrow I'm going to try working out to see if that helps everything(not to mention improve my health). I'm more alone than I ever was before. I'm also happier and more myself than I ever have been. Once in a while, I would like for a guy that I like, to like me back, and live close. Or be there for me. Haha that would be nice.

I have a lot of friends and acquaintances, but only a few true friends. I just want my heart back, my true passion, my inner desires.

Those who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, usually do.

I love this story

One day, when I was a freshman in high school,
I saw a kid from my class was walking home from school.
His name was Kyle.
It looked like he was carrying all of his books.
I thought to myself, 'Why would anyone bring home all his books on a Friday?
He must really be a nerd.'
I had quite a weekend planned (parties and a football game with my friends tomorrow afternoon), so I shrugged my shoulders and went on.
As I was walking, I saw a bunch of kids running toward him.
They ran at him, knocking all his books out of his arms and tripping him so he landed in the dirt.
His glasses went flying, and I saw them land in the grass about ten feet from him...
He looked up and I saw this terrible sadness in his eyes .
My heart went out to him. So, I jogged over to him as he crawled around looking for his glasses, and I saw a tear in his eye.
As I handed him his glasses, I said, 'Those guys are jerks.'
They really should get lives.
' He looked at me and said, 'Hey thanks!'
There was a big smile on his face.
It was one of those smiles that showed real gratitude.
I helped him pick up his books, and asked him where he lived.
As it turned out, he lived near me, so I asked him why I had never seen him before.
He said he had gone to private school before now.
I would have never hung out with a private school kid before.
We talked all the way home, and I carried some of his books.
He turned out to be a pretty cool kid.
I asked him if he wanted to play a little football
With my friends .
He said yes.
We hung out all weekend and the more I got to know Kyle, the more I liked him, and my friends thought the same of him.
Monday morning came, and there was Kyle with the huge stack of books again.
I stopped him and said, 'Boy, you are gonna really build some serious muscles with this pile of books everyday!
' He just laughed and handed me half the books.
Over the next four years, Kyle and I became best friends.
When we were seniors we began to think about college.
Kyle decided on Georgetown and I was going to Duke.
I knew that we would always be friends, that the miles would never
Be a problem.
He was going to be a doctor and I was going for business on a football scholarship.
Kyle was valedictorian of our class.
I teased him all the time about being a nerd.
He had to prepare a speech for graduation.
I was so glad it wasn't me having to get up there and speak .
Graduation day, I saw Kyle.
He looked great.
He was one of those guys that really found himself during high school..
He filled out and actually looked good in glasses.
He had more dates than I had and all the girls loved him.
Boy, sometimes I was jealous!
Today was one of those days.
I could see that he was nervous about his speech.
So, I smacked him on the back and said, 'Hey, big guy, you'll be great!'
He looked at me with one of those looks (the really grateful one) and smiled....
' Thanks,' he said.
As he started his speech, he cleared his throat, and began ...
'Graduation is a time to thank those who helped you make it through those tough years.
Your parents, your teachers, your siblings, maybe a coach...but mostly your friends....
I am here to tell all of you that being a friend to someone is the best gift you can give them.
I am going to tell you a story.'
I just looked at my friend with disbelief as he told the first day we met.
He had planned to kill himself over the weekend.
He talked of how he had cleaned out his locker so his Mom wouldn't have to do it later and was carrying his stuff home.
He looked hard at me and gave me a little smile.
'Thankfully, I was saved.
My friend saved me from doing the unspeakable.'
I heard the gasp go through the crowd as this handsome, popular boy told us all about his weakest moment.
I saw his Mom and dad looking at me and smiling that same grateful smile.
Not until that moment did I realize it's depth.





Never underestimate the power of your actions.

With one small gesture you can change a person's life.

For better or for worse.

God puts us all in each others lives to impact one another in some way.

Look for God in others.

Right where they should be

I used to just write when I was stressed, or needed to put my thoughts into the universe. From now on, I'm hoping to write more. About everything. First off, my semester is going pretty great. I love most of my classes, things seem to flow easier and I'm able to keep up so far when I thought I would be overwhelmed. I can't wait to see what the semester holds! I have Unstable Minds, Weather and Climate, Health Communication, News Reporting and Writing, Advanced Human Communication Theory, and an internship. I'm also excited to see what happens in my clubs! Especially Active Minds and Spectrum! This is going to be a great semester!

So, there's this new guy in my life. Really recent. He's a little bit older than me(not that it's a big thing for me) but he is unlike any person I've ever met. Tall, gorgeous, intelligent, driven, caring, funny... basically if there's a definition of perfection he's as close as it gets. He thinks that my age is a problem, or that I'm too good to be true. Which are both valid things to think. I guess, especially, when it comes to me that could be normal. I really enjoy his company, his humor, motivation, smile, eyes... everything. I'm hoping he gives me a chance. I think I'm a good guy, and I know that he is. I can feel it.

My mind keep racing about a lot of things, and now it's starting to be more clear. I slowly feel like things are right where they should be.

My mind races through so many thoughts, it's really hard to control or decipher them. I used to be so in tune with myself. I don't remember what happened when all of the sudden I didn't know myself very well. I'll always know my defining qualities. But my inner mind is a world plunged into a whirlwind. Lately I've noticed more things here and there, bringing me back. I'm hoping the path stays that way and I can get back into the swing of things like I used to. :) here's hoping!

locked

I keep having a hard time writing, once I start a sentence or a new line... it seems almost impossible to continue. Like my mind doesn't want me to get anything out and post it. My mind is tired. I usually can't get thoughts to stop racing through my head and now I feel as if I've locked them into a box that is going to take a lot of effort to open. Who knows what's going on, or why this is happening. I just hope I can shake it off soon and purge back into the written world.