When you close your eyes what do you see?
I see colors. No images, no flashes of lights or ideas, words... nothing like that. I see spectrums of color. Shapes and definition, shadows and swirls. I can't always explain it to other people and times I've tried have been honestly ridiculous. Colors, to me, more than they might to you. I see feelings, ideas, memories, light, day, night, everything in color. So lately, everything has been grey. Tino told me to try writing again and I just don't know if I can really anymore. I just think about putting all my thoughts onto this screen and then everything seems annoyingly dramatic or pointless. I honestly feel like I can't love anymore, or feel real feelings. I'm a shade. I need a jump start back into the real world, a snap back to reality.
I've taken up running to try and help and in little parts it does, in other parts it doesn't. I woke up to a text today saying my little sister had been in a rollover accident. I went numb. I don't deal with big life things like this that well anymore. What would I do if she wouldn't have made it? I don't know what I would say or do... I don't know what the last thing I said was, or if I told her I loved her. How would I deal with that? That would eat me up inside for years to come. I'm so torn between my family issues, parents divorce and being an adult in the real world I think I fractured myself. Suppressing years of memories has a consequence, I also think that's been causing my nightmares... since I was 16. Growing up isn't what I thought it would be like haha and now I'm wondering what I want to do with the next year, two years, decade of my life. I have no realization of the time period I'm imprisoned to. I miss my family and my friends... I don't want to be so far away from them anymore.
Then another part of me tells me I'm weak for thinking like this and I need to suck it up. That's when I feel the least human. Then friends bring their drama into my life and I try to be there for them but I'm running out of sympathy for problems that they bring onto themselves. They ask my advice, ignore it, and then come crying back. It makes me wonder if they even listen at all... So I stop giving advice and try and do something for myself and all hell breaks loose. It's a twisted little world and I'm the puppet on a string. Don't worry though, I'm one adventure away from being a real boy.
