Ze Bitch

I keep having people tell me to "Focus on the Positives". That's sweet, but I'm a realist. I know this world isn't unicorns and rainbows. I know I have a lot of great things in my life, but when do the good outweigh the bad? I have work to do myself. I just wish I wasn't having to do this alone. I'm so tired. and so hurt. I'm waiting for the messages to come in and out, the truth to reveal itself and for time to make a difference. Unfortunately, I have the answers and I just need to focus on me and how I can better my "inner" self. Otherwise I'm left with an invisible soul that no one can see, and we don't want that.

I need to get back to what makes me happy. Swimming, photography, and obviously my security blanket (Charmed). This is life, the real world, and it's a bitch. Time to stand up and deal with it. No more running, no more excuses. It's time.

Oh the places

Today is the most ridiculous roller coaster of feelings, ideas and conceptions. First off, I had an amazing night with a BEYOND wonderful guy. He's spectacular, different, genuine, fascinating and completely incredulous. Four hours of talking, a little bit of inebriation and some other recreational activities made up the most amazing night I've had in... I don't even know how long. Not to set my goals too high but I'm a little "twitterpated". I hope he likes me back. I haven't been this excited for so long that I'm scared to lose it. He listens to me, most people just try and give you advice or turn it back to them. He doesn't, he's pretty much amazing. With things being so different I've never really seen something like this coming. It's at the perfect time, I have one last ray of hope that things can change. And in a second, they did. So even though this is vague and not interesting to really anyone but me, I'll leave you with this:

There are brains in your head, there are feet in your shoes, you can steer yourself in any direction you choose, you're on your own, and you know what you know. And you are the guy who'll decide where to go. -Dr. Seuss

Not black and white

In my world, there's a lot of grey. The lines set in black and white are created in a heterosexual world. The gay world has a new set of rules. The 80's and even the 90's have some interesting facts and images to show. Now this is the new decade. 2011 is a very interesting time. So far it's been a roller-coaster through Hell. One we're not getting off any time soon. I feel bad for the younger community. Not the "younger" but mearly the 18-20 year age range because they have to deal with the world being more open. It's great that there's a societal shift but the generation coming into the real world are so open that they take emotions for granted. They're afraid, excited, nervous, distracted and sometimes unforgiving. That comes with the territory. I just wish it wasn't so hard on them. I am a strong person, but not every one is. I hope that people start growing up and treating others with respect.

Lions and Snooki and Sluts OH MY!!!

It's that time of year again my pretties! My all time favorite celebration that has now been highjacked by the GUD DANG CANDY COMPANIES!!!!!!!!!!!! OR!!!!! Formerly known as "All Hallows Eve" Halloween is BACK!!! and I loves it! But really... let's get down to candy corn and fish nets. The holiday representing the day to celebrate and remember the dead has turned into let-us-out-slut-one-another-day. Which I am guilty of taking part in, but as most of you should know I believe in the supernatural. Halloween is a time to welcome the convergence on energy, celebrate the harvest, and welcome the dead back to Earth for a night of happiness. Granted it's also scary, eerie and some people need reality checks on acceptable costumes but hey, I'm just throwing it out there. There's so much more to this day that people take for granted and it fascinates me that people use this "american based holiday" to satisfy irrelevant needs. (once again I'm guilty of a few of these stereotypes) but I never forget what Halloween is and what it means to me. I've always been the "odd kid out" in my family (no gay jokes intended). I love the Halloween/scary movies, haunted houses, decorations, pumpkins and all... Every year I get so jazzed I could pee!!!! They key to my heart? A haunted house, followed by a scary movie and cuddling. END OF STORY... I'm not one for trick or treating because my mom never let me as a kid so I get no satisfaction from asking strangers for candy (weird I know) so I continue to throw badass parties or go to badass parties. The energy I get on Halloween is irreplaceable to all other holidays. This is just another FASCINATING look into the mind of ME. MUhahahahahahahhahahahahaahahahahahahhhahaahahahah

Seasons of Psycho-babble

Lately I have not been able to write and finish my own thoughts. The overwhelming school year and life have put my thought process in a flux of entropy. So, maybe tonight I can finish a damn thought. Today was not my best day; we'll start here. Because I'm tired, grumpy, was hungover and inspired by laziness I did not go to class, or to my group meeting. I DID turn in all necessary work and inform the necessary people of my absence (in all fairness). I then preceded to drop Psychology from my majors and focus mainly on Communication. Yay for communicating! (side tangent: I just put my glasses on and enhanced my reading capabilities by 1000%) I had an amazing lunch with Christina Currie and went back to my apartment to pray my headache away. I then watched Ferngully whilst trying to force myself to study or sleep which both did not see the light of victory. I began to clean and do dishes which resulted in minimal success, which I could be mildly proud of. Following such a fun filled activity, I went to LHS' High School football shame, I mean game, with Emily Simpson. Where my butt froze and went numb, but I was able to see Natalie perform at half-time and she was amazing! All in all it sounds like a decent day right? Here's the flip side to this tarnished coin:

All morning I couldn't sleep well. Last night I walked home from work at 3am in the freezing cold, alone, for 18 blocks. I was paranoid, cold, and tired. Not a good combination. The smell in the air made my nose hurt and brought back some flash backs of the -40 degree week last semester and I pushed those painful images out of my head real quick like(insert southern drawl). After that lovely night I woke up to 4-5 texts from various people, some worth less than the time it took me to sit up and read the name on the text line. Then I slept for an hour until my alarm went off and I then sat awake for an hour. In that hour I began to think about so many things that I can't explain it. But as if by some Karmic bitch slap in the face I remembered something. The cold, the smell, the feel, the daylight, and all the signs pointed to one thing. This was Fall and I don't like Fall. For the most part Fall is nice, I can wear cute clothes, pumpkin spice lattes come back and Halloween comes around and is my favorite holiday. But Fall reminds me of things that I wish I didn't remember. For starters... my ex. Fall was the first time in college, first time kissing a boy, and first time being with someone. The dates, the experiences, the fun and sorrow all come flooding back with the sound of blowing leaves and the spine chilling breeze. Then the tiny pain needles come reminding me of all those past memories of the season and I want to almost break down and cry but it's not worth it I lie to myself. It's just another season and it's a new year. Well BULLSHIT. It's still Fall and each year I fall in one way or another. So far, my fall is about neutral. 50/50 on the emotional scale and I'm waiting to see which way it will tip.

I'm tired... as I've said before. I'm hoping that quitting 2 jobs, one club and dropping a major will help me learn to breathe and focus more on me. I have some amazing things in my life. I would like to enjoy them. Things are turning around in parts of my life that are setting me up for great achievement and fun. The things that are bringing me down are strong. I'm stronger. I just need to tough things out a little longer and keep my goals in mind. I can make it through this. I've been through worse and will have more hurdles in the future. But I don't care. Bring it on because I CAN do this, I WILL do this and NO ONE will stop me from being me. Fall is not my best season. But... I can make it the best season yet if I add a little faith, perseverance, and fun to the mix.

Fall is when you transition to the peril of Winter. Fall is when the last sign of Summer leaves the scenery. Fall is the time of remembrance. It's time to make things worth remembering. :)

Forget me not

I'm starting to remember the old me. It's been a long time coming but hey, better late than never. I had a great little chat with Nicholas today, it was good seeing him. He reminded me of something I've forgotten, something I've misplaced. It's good to have that back now. I can't wait to see if I can create enough willpower to see where I'm going. I have a lot of plans for the future. Most importantly I'm going to try and make myself happy again.

This year I have new friends, new ideas and new goals. I'm doing so many things that I'm wearing myself thin but it's who I am I guess. The clubs I'm in are so fun though!

I look forward to Spectrum every week! It's the best part of my week. I can't wait to work with the members and the board we can do what Spectrum does.... which is basically AWESOME!!!!

The Shepard Symposium is going so smoothly and I can't wait to apply to intern for them in the Spring!

I love being involved with ASUW Committee and it's great to see both side of the coin.