The Path

22 years.  22 years 6 months and 8 days.  Who knew that the world would have changed so much in so little time.  Humans have made leaps and bounds... we have the world's knowledge in our pockets, buildings that dwarf some of the oldest monuments and yet we still worry about the little things.  I wonder what my parents thought about 22 years ago.  The morning I was born.  If someone had asked them what they though I would be, would they have an answer? A teacher? A professor? Engineer?
I couldn't even have predicted where my life has now ended up.  Now I'm looking down a road, at a blinding light, blurring the path ahead of me... I'm in my 20's, I'm supposed to be trying everything and changing, adapting, having enough energy to run a power plant.  I can't even stay up past 11pm.  I fall asleep in the car and I can't seem to find the fun in going out to little Wyoming bars for a "good time".  I love my new job and it's really amazing experience, but I can't help thinking I need to move on to the next step.  Sure it's scary, you're damn right it's scary! It's my future.  I don't want to ruin it.  I also can't help of feel utterly excited in the fact that I can move on a whim, end up anywhere and start over. The hard part is being lost.  That transitional period of not knowing where my foot will land, if I call my family enough or when my next paycheck is going to stay in my bank account.

My biggest struggle? That I don't want to hear advice, I don't want to talk about it really, I want someone to hold me and tell my things will be okay.  I'm not weak, I'm not petty.  I genuinely want to have someone take care of me for a change.  That selfish little moment where I want someone to want me to feel better. Hell, even someone to lay on the couch with me and watch Halloween movies with nothing better to do than to lay on my lap and laugh with me about the bad acting or "what it was like for me as a kid" stories. I'm stuck in youth, cursed with burnout and not a clear idea of how to break out of that yet.  I hope it's the path that I'm on.  I just might have to start making my own.

Before it's too late

Sheesh has it been a while, I don't even know the last post I've had on here really.  You know those moments... where you stop to think about your life and everything runs through your head so fast that you feel like you're not thinking at all? That was the last three months of my life.  Somewhere along the line I blew a few too many gaskets and I'm not sure how to replace them.  There's just so many different things happening in my life.  I'm a professional on campus. I'm no longer a student. I'm a role model, self-critic, masochist and a lot of other things as well. I honestly don't know very much about myself anymore. I've become mean, arrogant, reserved, cryptic and isolated.  I have no idea how to chip away the ice that surrounds my frozen heart but if any one has any ideas... feel free to shout them out.

My parents are now divorced which makes things a lot different.  My dad acts like nothing has changed and it's all normal.  Nothing will ever be normal again.  I'm used to change and thought this change would lead to some growth and development.  It lead me straight into relational paranoia.  I don't trust people, I can't really feel love lately it seems and I've shut off... just like he did, just like he did to us and my mom. I can't even cry now I'm so desensitized to it. I've been seeing people here and there, flirting like I always do but two weeks in I can't seem to let myself get close to them. I'm looking for things I'm not finding.

I'm also really hard on myself. I need to work on that.  Start being physically, mentally, emotionally... healthier.  I'm so broken.   I sometimes wonder if I'll ever really know what I'm looking for when I see it. I feel lost and kind of alone because I can't get close to people any more.  Not as easily. Where do you start? Hollywood lies to you and gives you these moments that jump start your life... I'm waiting for that. The firework, the spark, the chair that's kicked out from under me.  I need to get back on track before it's too late.  Before I descend into darkness and no one has a match.