There's Nothing Truly Perfect

I've been thinking too much again, it always ends in funny places or ridiculous thoughts. It's usually distracting, but today I wasn't thinking about what I usually do. I thought about where I stand in this world. Who I am and why I need to be true to myself. I usually know a lot about myself. There's always more to learn but the way I see it if you have a grasp on yourself you will always know if anything changes. But if you're not true then you'll lose parts of yourself, and sometime you never get them back. I never plan to lose any good part of me, the bad can be shed but the good is worth keeping. Sometimes I think my good side messes up my bad, it's a mix of the most confusing beliefs and characteristics I wonder if it scares people away. Maybe it intimidates people... I don't really think I'll ever know...

I dream of the day I don't have to worry about the things I do today, even if I miss experiencing those things. There's a day that will come and I'll have a piece of what I want. The perfect creation of imperfection that fits me perfectly. I sit here writing hoping that one day I won't need to write... but that won't ever happen. There's always something to write about, something to put into the written or typed word. That day won't come. The stars never perfectly align. The fates never roll the same hand. Nothing happens the same way twice, nor does it happen like it's supposed to.

There's nothing truly perfect, but perfection is found in flaws.

Wounds don't heal, they scar.

Pain doesn't leave, it's just misplaced.

and sorrow is an excuse for evil to invade your mind.

No one knows what you do,

they never experience the same as you,

they never know...

I'm not a stranger to pain, emotionally, draining, pain. I don't have the hardships of others, or the physical pain they do but I know pain. I can't stand seeing others in pain and empathy really gets in the way. It hurts, it crushes me every time. I have to pull myself off the ground, dust myself off and limp my way out of bad situations... most of the time that aren't mine.

I like to be there for people, in ways not all of them would be there for me. Maybe it's my issues of abandonment, but I feel if I'm there for them... they have some semblance of hope.

That one day, there may be a chance they'll find true happiness.

I'm always there.

limping back to help, hoping one day... Someone will carry me.

I love my friends, the ones who can pick me up and help me get on my feet. Ruth and Leslie, you're my heroes

My Sappy Vendetta.

There's one thing in life I have my heart set on, one thing I'll never change my mind on. Marriage, all I want is to find the right guy, fall for him, and be eternally bound to each other. This society doesn't allow for benefits of family without marriage, they don't allow health, car insurance, property, rights to remains. My whole life I've been relationship oriented. I don't like the "hit-it and quit-it" attitude I've experienced since being out. I'm not going to say I haven't had partaken in hook ups, if I denied it that would make me a liar. Every night I go to bed I wonder what it would be like to not sleep alone anymore, to go to bed with ONE man, every night, knowing that they want to be there when I wake up. Not leave when I'm sleeping and exchange awkward smiles or waves later on the next time you see them. I like relationships, I'm not addicted, but relationships put me on a different level. It makes me know a guy is serious. Beauty fades, memories blur, but personality holds true until the end.

I want someone's shining personality, their deepest quirks, and their smartest smarts. Looks aren't all, they help, and I can't force myself to be attracted to someone. But personality wins over looks any day. I'm not the best looking, but I think I have a damn funny personality.

Fun is fun, but when it comes to being serious. The arrow falls short of the target. I'm picky, may have standards above others but I know what I'm looking for. A real guy. Not the delusional party boy.

Once I find mr right, or mr awesome then we'll see where that goes. But years from now, however long. I want one man, forever.

You won't change me.

I like roses, most of my friends know that. It's cheesy, romantic and blah blah blah. Today, the last rose pedal fell, the glistening, crimson flake, fell. Today I testified against SJ 5 in the state Senate Committee hearing. Once again I was terrified, my hands were trembling, my heart racing, and I thought I had no voice. I stated my peace, I plotted my point, and prayed there was mercy left in humanity. There wasn't, 3ayes and 2nays passed an amendment, to the WY Constitution saying marriage between one man and one woman. Limiting the ability to fully recognize same sex unions. The argument was that union will be recognized as long as it's not "the substantial equivalent" or traditional marriage.

So let's give some rights, not all rights, just enough to make them "relieve hardships" as stated by a senator at the meeting. What is substantially? What rights do I have? What one's don't I have? Now I don't know. There's a chance these bills won't make it out of the legislature. There's a chance others will look at what their doing and make amends. There's also a chance none of this will happen. There are bad people in the world, I haven't been naive enough in years to believe otherwise. I've been burned by people my whole life.

I've been disheartened by Wyoming. This was my home, my comfort zone, it was familiar and beautiful. Now it's a front runner for Theocracy. It's allowing the dominant religion of the state/nation to influence government. "The government of the United States is not in any sense founded upon the Christian religion" -John Adams.

This statement is no longer true. The basis of these bills is to "protect marriage" "protect the next generation" but the only thing being attacked is gay marriage, is my generation, my fundamental right. If any one of these bills pass I go from being a citizen to a non-existent, substandard being. Not even a citizen. Wyoming became the Warden of my enslaved, second class institution.

Voices in a crowd get lost, ideas unspoken never go heard, and safety in numbers didn't protect this time.

I stand when standing isn't easy, I speak when it hurts, and I believe when others try and belittle my thoughts. I'm here, I'm real, and I'm a human being. That won't change.

Equality Optional.

I sit here typing, trying to come up with something to say. Something meaningful, insightful, or just generally something worth writing. But I can't, after House Bill 74 made it through the Education Committee in the Capital I'm just left feeling more empty, more bitter, and completely undermined. It's like having my moment of clarity shattered into an abyss of torture, freezing then burning until I can't function. This is not the end of this battle, nor are we anywhere the end. Our day will come, the day of some equality, the achievement and recognition that I AM a human being. I deserve to be protected and I deserve to have what my heterosexually privileged counterparts have.

There's no reason to pass a bill banning recognition of marriages from other states. That was my last lifeline, my last hope for this state. I always thought, "At least I can get married in another state and come back to Wyoming if i wanted to." that shining ray of hope is being suffocated, into an abyss of bigotry.

Of all the things, of all times, this wasn't the outcome I needed. I was hoping for a little compassion, for the elected representatives to listen to the majority of their constituents but apparently 4vs.20-25 obviously means the other four are more important. I'm tired of being a second class citizen, I'm tired of being the outcast, the "Wyoming Gay", the kid from the place Matt Shepard was murdered. I want... to just be me. I want to fall in love, be madly in love, and marry the person who means more to me than the air I breathe, the ground I walk on, and lives every second of my future with me. I want the chance to make mistakes, have the options others do, and to no longer be afraid.

Yesterday I spoke out in front of a committee room of strangers, I didn't say as much as others, nor did I use the information they did. I talked about me. I hoped that seeing there really are gay citizens, constituents, and people in Wyoming. Real Human Beings standing up to speak for others who are too afraid. It's terrifying to be me, I'm always paranoid, I have an anxiety disorder, and I'm always over thinking things. I was terrified of this state, now I'm just ashamed, there's nothing to fear anymore because to this state I don't exist. I'm no one, nothing, and fading into a theocratic, good ole boys state. But I stood up, I said what I needed to say. I broke my internal fear, and hopefully impacted enough people to make a difference.

I... am... somebody. I exist, along with thousands of others. We're real and true, and we fight for what's right! not for what we personally stand for. My ancestors came to this country to escape persecution of difference, and here I am. Being persecuted, punished, for God creating me. This state is regressing to a place that they won't want to be in when the day comes that the nation realizes their bullshit. Wyoming was a leader of progression, a stepping stone into the "1st's" of many hurdles. Now they're alienating themselves from everything around them. Problem is... I can ignore snow as much as I want but it won't go away, I can wish for a million dollars and never get it, and ignoring the fact that LGBQT members of this state are being discriminated against will NOT go away. It will come back stronger and stronger until there's no other choice but acceptance.

I'm a lot stronger than this state thinks I am.

Breaking the Silence

I've dealt with a lot and I've had a few bumps in the road this year. I knew that my life has always been destined to have a extra incline uphill, it's nothing new to me. But this is a new attack, an attack on the home front, from people I've probably bumped into, and in my home county. A bill discriminating against gay marriage, once again. This didn't surprise me, but the urgency it's being pushed, with the potential of success, terrifies me. I'm going to speak, and address the committee tomorrow. Something I've never done, nor is it my strong suit. This is more important than a lot of other things in my life. There's not a lot of hope left in this state and this kills the little hope I thought was secured. Leave it to the "equality state" to push this bill, on MLK/Equality Day. I want to punch something, scream, or cry in anger and disappointment.

I'm gay, I'm from Wyoming and I cannot stand politics to the point that I'm only involved to be informed, because maybe, as small as I am in the crowd I may be heard. I may catch the attention of someone and they'll understand that there's no need for such bigotry, hatred, and complete lack of respect for humanity.

I respect others, even those who chose to hate me, and others like me. Last time I checked Human Rights meant all humans, not just the Privileged White Wyoming Christians. I have always been weary of Wyoming's outlook and now it's taking a turn for the worst.

I can't even imagine the amount of hate it takes to introduce bias theocracy into law. There's no place of laws like this. I hope the outcome is the desired benefit of all, not just a single group. I pray, to the same God they do, but I ask for help, respect, and acceptance. Not hatred.

Here's the Exception to Wyoming, tomorrow, 4 Republican college kids are travelling with others to stand up for human rights, to stand for those who don't know what's going on, can't make it here, or are too afraid to step out and say what they want. Here's to all those in favor of what it means to love humanity.

The only thing I can offer is a voice, in the place of the silent. It's time to break that silence.

Water

The complete silence,

irrevocable bliss,

churning waves,

splashing emotions,

Relieving stress,

complete freedom.

Simple Significance

The simple significance of a connection,

a momentary flash of excitement,

Bound to never to follow through,

a light dimmed by the truth or reality,

Existence only fades if you let it,

into the perpetual free fall into a motion of tidal waves,

Embrace the reality,

suppress the false hope.

Dare to dream the Truth.

Sundays

I question the way things work, it's just that I'm analytical. Not that I actually think there's a problem with things. But I'm different. I have a hard time controlling my thoughts, controlling my filter, and keeping myself in check. I'm excited for the new semester and the start to 2011. I can't wait to see where it goes....

Also on a note of AWESOMNESS!!!! RUTH LESLIE AND I ARE ALL SINGLE!!! and we're double awesome!

I think I'm in love with them.... okay I am haha.

Ruth is now sitting in footie pajamas and Leslie is a t-shirt and shorts.... haha Sundays.