Defined

The more I look back, the more I remember why I don't. The seconds tick by, secret after secret. Lie after lie. This is what the last 8 years have been. I don't know where we go from here but I do know I'm going to need to make a few changes in order to get my life ready after graduation. I really hope for the best. Because the alternative is going to take a lot strength.
Every time I think I'm in the clear someone pulls me back in. I'm no stranger to pain, but I'm new to anger, hatred, and malice. These are the situations that define us

Look into my crystal ball...

I went to Branson, MO. and while we were there we went to a psychic. she told me a lot of accurate things and it sort of scared me, then she told me that "You've already met your true love, although it may not have developed into that yet." That makes me... paranoid! she told me a lot of other things and I can't stop thinking about it.

I want to be in love, if I've already met him... I wonder who it is. :)

Grow

"I don't want to grow up" "I'm just a kid"

I've heard it all the time. In many ways, and many forms. I didn't have that option. I was forced to grow up. I was told things as a kid that kids shouldn't have to hear. I dealt with things no kid should deal with and I grew up. I grew up fast. My siblings didn't have to, they actually regressed into childhood. I'm 20, I look almost 22, and I'm told I act 30. I'm kind of a mess when it comes to who I am. I've had a long road that no one really understands, not many probably ever will. I have a virus in my eyes that makes walking outside painful, I have constant fatigue, symptoms of depression, anxiety disorders, and problems with unmet expectations. I've been through a lot and I'm still here. I know what it takes to get through some of life's hard trials. I just thought that's what everyone does and that's what everyone understands... turns out that it's not. People don't get it, they want me to sit and listen to their problems with attention and then they don't give a damn about what's going on with me. A lot goes on with me, my mind is constantly trying to rationalize things. I want to just yell at people. I yelled at my sister Sunday, I've never really felt good about getting aggressive. I stood up for my friends, for diversity, and for me. I loved it. I just don't understand the shit that comes out of her mouth. The attitude she has or the way she uses people. The laziness, the bitchiness, all of it. We weren't raised like that, and people don't deserve that treatment. I'm mad at her, my Dad, and disappointed in them.

I just want to go home, or whatever it is that makes me happier. I don't feel like i belong here or that this is my world. Texas isn't for me at all. My family is falling apart. Now I've just got me. I do have friends but it's not the same. I've gotten me here so I'll get myself elsewhere. :) Happy Holidays

Part 1

7 years ago, you asked us to make a decision. Houston, or Alaska. It changed my world forever. In so many ways, in so many places. It did things to me you'll never comprehend. First, you ripped me from my life. I was a boy, in an awkward phase. Terrified of the world. Hoping... that my decision to move to Texas would keep our family together. Looking back... I never should have let it happen. But I couldn't have seen what would happen. I left my friends, my plans, my family, my pets, my memories, and my life in Wyoming. Everything I had ever worked for. I walked away from for our family. Not for you, I did this for my sister, my brother and my mother. I've told people for years awful things about you. I've resisted the idea of liking you. I STILL hate my birthday because I've shared it with you. After we got to Texas, I was invisible to you. I remember you saying things I wasn't supposed to hear when I was standing in the same room. I remember you never being there for me. Mom was there when I cried from pure depression, you weren't. I lost 45lbs in a month, I never left the house and my only happiness was a TV show that you made fun of me for watching. I had ONE concert for band that you were invited to, you showed up late. I was inducted into JNHS at the last second and you showed up 2 names before mine was called. I'm at the last of the line. You were drunk on our birthday, you never came home and instead went to bars and out with friends. I hated Texas, and I told you that. You never noticed.

We had a meeting to tell you why we wanted to go back to Texas, and I told you that I was bullied on the bus, alone, scared, forgotten, sad, unnoticed and damaged. But you loved your job. I tried to kill myself twice in Texas, you didn't even know. I asked mom to let me move back to Wyoming over Christmas Break. I didn't want to leave grandma and grandpa's. It's still one of the only places I feel safe and at home at.

The only day in Texas that I remember feeling truly happy... was the day that Mom said she was taking me back to Wyoming. I knew that day, I would be okay. From then on I got better, I grew up fast to help Mom and be strong when I could. I cried, shut myself up in my room, hid from the world... I saw mom go through Hell, I saw Dillon destroy himself, and I saw Danielle fight to hold on to whatever she could. I worked to try and help Mom, I helped Dillon and Danielle with school. I helped Grandma and Grandpa. I worked to repair what you broke, because guess what? YOU did this. We didn't leave you. WE decided, to take our shity broken lives and save ourselves. YOU decided to stay and have the job of your dreams. What did that do to you? How could you blame my mother? The only one who was there to save me, the one who lost so much and did all of this for her kids. What did you leave? What did you give up? Remember all the old friends you don't talk to? The Family you had? You gave that up to take us to Texas, then blamed us for not liking your decisions. Your mother once told me I was a horrible son for abandoning my father. Funny part is, you are my biological father, and you were never a major part in my life for as far back as I can remember. You never really existed to me. Not as someone I wanted to invest in. you never invested in me. I went through high school praying to get out. I was alone, afraid, and broken. Then mom and Danielle were going to move back. They left me for you, and I was okay because I thought at least you could take care of them and protect them. Turns out you lied to us all and drug it out longer. Do you realize the damage you've done? Do you see what you're about to do? This is part one, of a lot of venting to come. Be prepared.

Mixing feelings

I don't know what to think really, my mind has been racing all the time for as long as I can really remember. All I know, is that I want to get to know him more. I want to see where things go, or I hope they go somewhere anyway. It's a nice change of pace to have a quiet guy to hang out with, but I feel as if I talk too much already. haha. Which I can be known to do. I just like him. for a lot of reasons, and it's new and exciting. So after Christmas Break I can resume to knowing more about him, I just hope he's there when I get back and still available. It makes my heart warm to think about it. haha.

Today I worked at this boutique VIP night thing, it's so hard to put on a fake smile for these people. I don't mean to have such a harsh tone but I can't stop myself. Tomorrow is going to be a true test. and I'm so nervous. I have to talk to my dad about everything that has bothered me for years. I hope I can have peace of mind and move on after tomorrow. We'll see.

Through everything, I still know that life moves on, I'm just hoping it moves in a steady and reliable direction.

Word Vomit

I have no real idea what I'm doing. I'm about to go to Texas and have a life changing conversation. With all that's gone on I've lost a lot of my motivation. I need an answer to move on and apparently my family thinks I'm out last resort. Which makes me even more nervous.

But at the same time, some good things have happened that I'm really excited about :) Things happen in some interesting ways. I can't wait to see where things go. And I'm excited to hang out with my mom any my sister.

Reality always comes back though, school starts and I'm going to be taking a full load of classes, and an internship, and I'm applying for Summer Orientation. so many great opportunities and so many unique ways to go about things. I'm still scared. I'm still afraid of being lonely. But I have great friends. I'm hoping we can make it through things together. I'm running out of trust. Especially lately, the saying "They're an "ex" for a reason." is becoming more apparent by the second. I'm tired of the petty fights, the narcissism, the drama, irresponsibility, immaturity, disrespect and whatever the hell other reasons that irritate the living daylight out of me.

I won't stick up for you, I won't give you good recommendations and I'm tired of trying to be your friend. I think... this means... I'm done. I have more important things to worry about in the future. The one that you're obviously not a part of. I've given people far too many chances to fix things. I'm going to see that it doesn't happen again.