Bigger Picture

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately... and by thinking I mean talking to Kelsey about life and such. There are things in life that I wasn't really prepared for. I thought that most of my life would be seen sitting in the background waiting for me to fill my place, do my job and go on to whatever else is left. I was wrong. I have the potential to inspire others. I've noticed it more recently with Connor, Nicholas and Kelsey. They say things that make it seem as if I rub off motivation and inspiration. I'm no muse by any means but I do believe that I'm starting to notice myself doing that with others. I'm so in tuned to intelligence and academia that I theorize my brain registers on a different frequency than a lot of others. I'm not disregarding others or their intelligence I know that a lot of people around me are superbly intelligent and shock me in the most surprising of ways. But I am a part of the bigger picture, I'm beginning to realize this and it scares me. It's exciting, nerve racking, and unknown to me. I intend to see everything through until the end of time. And I'm really excited to get know when I'm there...

I'm numb, I feel like I'm sitting in the middle of a whirlpool waiting to get out of the chaos it will bring if I step into the realm of uncertainty.

I've lost two of my best friends, and the best part is that they think it's my fault. When if they wouldn't have acted like children and FOR ONCE would've listened to what I had to say they may have seen my side. They didn't give me the benefit of the doubt and they tried to control me, they had power and influence over me. Not anymore. It's time to grow up again and see what's best for me. I'm so lost and still wish I could run to them to cry and ask for help. That won't be happening. They want nothing to do with me.

I don't deserve all that's happened to me, and there's no one to blame but them.

I also just left a relationship. It was semi-mutual and I do foresee us staying friends. But my heart still hurts. I still want to cry sometimes, but I'm okay. I'm happy with life and it's a different experience for me. It doesn't make the hurt any less but then again this isn't the worst that I've been through and I'm sure there's more to come. I'm so lucky to have Nicholas as a friend. I wouldn't know what to do otherwise.

Life isn't all it's planned out to be, nor should it be. But things change and grow... and shift. It's sad, beautiful, joyful, surprising, amazing, scary and sometimes awful. I'm glad to be here and glad I have what I have. I'm blessed, or as my gram said. I'm a chosen child of God. here to make a difference in this world.

Stand

Sinking ships on dreading waters,

blown to bits by cannon fodder.

Shaking, crawling, breathing dirt,

pushing up to remove the hurt.

Back to feet, standing tall,

the battle lost, the war will fall.

Hard decisions, sacrifice,

peering truth, concealed in ice.

Truth

I'd rather see the sun go down,

than rise on darkened days,

For pondering a twisted thought,

brings doubt and pain your way,

Forgive those who do not see,

truth of every kind,

For those who choose to do so,

will only close their mind,

A change is rough and treacherous,

but is not without reach,

For those who care to make a difference,

with this poem I beseech.

Simple

Recently I've realized that I have no idea what I'm doing, and frankly I don't care. I love my life and I love the people in it. Sometimes I don't know how things work or what to do but I work with all that is given to me. I don't like spreading myself thin and I don't like picking sides. I'm being torn in places I've never been torn and I'm conflicted in what to do. My world is filling up with things I can't control and I don't like feeling this way.

I've sat on this side of the fence for so long that I think others don't like seeing things from where I've been sitting. I get it, I'll have to work it out and I'll try but my time is my time. My world is my world and I am shared. I'm spread thin and it's time to re-group. I'm tried and now all this isn't fair. Things aren't always fair and I know that. But the thing is... I'm only one guy, with one life to live. I can only do so much without having things fall apart... again. I've been here, working through things when I finally find stability you fight it. I don't have time to fight for that, I shouldn't have to. Things should work, be understood and you move on. Plain and simple. But things are never plain or simple. Complexity over rules the dictation placed in the inner workings of simplicity.

My mind races all the time and I think about the most ridiculous things. But that doesn't mean they'll happen, that they're true or that you in any way have changed in my eyes.

Sometimes we have to give up a little to gain that much more. It's time to make this move. The transition that will make me even stronger.