Pieces of the Puzzle

Life isn't a platter, lined in sliver and gold, it's not a spoon dipped in diamonds, and it's not full of rainbows and unicorns. Life is hard, it's difficult and it's crazy. It's like a puzzle. You have 1500 pieces that look like a colorful box just threw up. They don't make sense and you begin to wonder what you've gotten yourself into. You start with the outer edges, the base, the beginning. Then you add a bit here and there. The pieces look overwhelming, new and different. Then they fall into place, you get stuck and frustrated, even angry. Then you start getting on a roll and a lucky streak. You find beauty, entertainment, and surprises. You dedicate yourself to a masterpiece. You become enthralled by the process no matter how mundane and ridiculous. The sweat, blinding eye pain and curse words start to fade and you see what you're really making. Then the puzzle has that last piece, the shining moment of satisfaction and gratification. The puzzle is complete. Then you have to glue it together, it falls apart and you put it together again to have it framed and hung on the wall.

I'm a long way away from hanging my life on the wall and looking back, i'm in the messy middle. The trashy, tedious, rough, annoying process of realizing the path ahead, the disappointment and frustration, the obstacles, and everything standing in my way. But you find those few pieces to reveal the beauty. I just found one, in a friend, who has a little more faith in me than I have for myself. I need to be reminded sometimes that the puzzle isn't going to be finished before I'm ready to see the bigger picture, and I should enjoy the ride. Thanks Tyler, for having a little faith in me. I wish you all the success you deserve in your future. Dream big, because if you shoot for the moon you'll land in the stars.

Hope

Hope, no one can destroy you if you have hope. There's one way to tolerate the unpredicted, the painful, and the truth you don't want to hear.... that there's hope, that one day it'll change, that the future holds a grand adventure and will reward you with the love, faith and desires you asked for. Some get this early on in life and don't have to keep hoping for dreams to come true. Some get it in the perfect moment, the moment that saved their lives, and others endure torture over and over again until the last second, the last millisecond, the moment of the breaking point. Who knows when it will come,

when hope will spring forth from the ashes of destruction and peril, into a light never before seen. But not without tearing away at the soul. It's a test of the ages. A test that must be endured or one must suffer the consequences of emptiness.

No one escapes the truth, but I hope to someday have my dream fulfilled... even if it's not the dream I asked for. Just one to fill the empty cavern torn by the unrelenting selfish planet we live in.

Hope is the key to survival. Without it, existence is like trying to breath underwater. It's painful, terrifying, and and in the end.... darkness.

Reflection

I'm not brilliant, I'm not spectacular, I'm not amazing. I don't know how many times I've told myself these things, spent hours trying to figure out why I haven't had the self esteem and respect others had. My mirror, broken and cracked from the lies I've been told and the lies I sold to myself. But my mirror broke, I dropped it on the way to college. I didn't know what to do so I went on with life, turns out I have the best mirror of all. My friends are my mirror. I trust them and respect what they have to say because they see me all the time, not just in the morning when I'm in the mirror, that's the only time i see myself. They see me at my best and at my worst. There's no comparison to the mirror of friendship. It may not be what you want it to be all the time but it should be the truth.

Not everyone seeks to tell the truth, those who lie and sneak to get what they want won't become the greatest they could be, nor do they belong in my life. I've surrounded my life with good people, it's what gets me through life. When you surround yourself with bad people, mean people and people who belittle others you'll look around one day and hate the world you live in, see nothing but pain and anger, and live with the shadow the rest of your life.

So stand up, do the right thing, and learn to love the face in the mirror. Because the world is yours for the taking.

Prince Charming

There are so many things changing in my life and some are great advances. I shouldn't dwell on the small things and I'm trying. It's time to let go of the past, move on, focus on the now and hope for the future.

I lay awake up night and wonder about so much, but lately I've been thinking about a boy, cute, sweet, quirky and amazing. Just the right amount of different for me, and the right amount of things in common. I think about him all the time, and laugh at his goofiness. I can't wait to meet him. It will be so great. But in this thinking process I came up with an idea that shocked me:

I'm my own prince charming. I am romantic, sweet, sappy, and all of that comes from the heart. I'm not fake and manipulative, I just feel with my heart. I've been asked "If you sat next to yourself, would you like you? Would you like the person sitting next to you?" I now have an answer... Most definitely. Not to brag but the things I've done for others in the past, the things I've said, they'd melt my own heart if someone told me that. Or treated me like that. I'm a sap for sad movies, roses, chocolate strawberries and just staying in for a night. I also like to dance, sing too loud, run around the town, party with friends and do the most random things (Usually involving glitter), but I end up with the same 'lil ole me. Now I think that's not such a bad thing. I'm funny, I'm not too hard on the eyes, and I'm real. I don't think those are things people DON'T want. I thought I had to look for love, or at least be ready for it. Now I don't really think I should know what to do. I don't mind, :) I would love love when I'm ready for it, but if I'm not ready then I think I'm okay with me, Prince Charming. The second I find love, I'm holding on as tight as possible. I'm really easy to take care of all I need is complete honesty, love, and conversation. maybe food. But I dream of having someone to lay next to me. I do get lonely from time to time. Everyone does, but it's not unbearable yet. I'll always have myself looking out for me. I won't fail at that, I'm a pretty smart kid and I've gotten myself here. It hasn't been an easy road and God knows I let too many people get second or third or more chances that weren't deserved, but mercy gets the best of me. I can't keep negativity in my mind. It's exhausting.

I'm a mess, I have so many thoughts at once I literally don't understand how people know what I'm saying or doing. I usually have 7 ideas at one time and there's no stopping where they're going. I talk too much, I care too much about my hair, I love the color blue, I like to dress nice more for myself than others, I like conversation, I like a lot of people that aren't liked by others and I'm not normal. I love being different, I was made that way yo accomplish great things others can't. It's a great feeling to be this way, I know that I am unique and I cannot wait to see where I go in life. I have dreams, and no one can stop them, I day dream all the time. It's some of the best moments in my day. The funny thing is, I thought I'd be the one being saved, when the truth is. I'm the knight in shining armor, I'm Prince Charming.

Tricked

I hate being tricked, it's not so much that the end result isn't something that I can live with it's more that I was deceived in one way or another. You have a friend you can tell everything to, you look forward to talking to all week, you can't wait to meet or hear from them. Then.... they up and leave you with no explanation. No way to contact them, and no reason for why you're sitting there disappointed. I'm tired of all these games and I know they won't go away but seriously, people need to grow up and be respectable people. If you're going to abandon me and don't ever want to talk, say it to my face and let me know as a human being, not a shady little deceiver.

Future

Lately I've been a little out of things, trying to adjust to what I don't know, add what I know and see what's not really there... Funny part is that if nothing's there.... that means there's really nothing there. There's no controlling people or the ways they react and it takes a lot to see that. I've worked really hard to be who I am and get where I'm at and I don't like that being threatened. I miss certain friends that are my words of wisdom, my balance, and people whom I feel will always know me. Inside and out.

No matter how far I am, I still think of 'lil miss Kelsey Brinkerhoff, she gets me. All of me, and knows the buttons to push and the perfect blunt advice I need. She's just as stubborn as me and has a personality that will never be matched. She's so bright, happy, and such a glowing contagious person that I love being around her no matter my mood. She's adventurous, strong, intelligent, passionate, gorgeous, funny, (a bad eater on first dates), and the greatest person to be on trips with. I miss you a lot and I think of our jokes all the time, I can't wait for you to come to UW :) and we need to talk grad school to get the HELL out of Wyoming and someplace warm that's not a 3rd world country. :) We've always had big dreams and we need to shot for them fast.