This is probably the most difficult thing I've ever done.  Going to graduate school is not for the faint of heart or weak-willed.  I moved to Chicago seven months ago and I still feel like I have no idea what I am doing.  This city changes, evolves, grows and rages on past me while I sit wondering about theories, communication, and the future.  I do not know why I am so scared.  I have just fallen back into being a Freshmen again.  The world around me seems overwhelming, uncertain, and honestly... a bit evil.  Everyday there is a new terrible event to hear about.  Even more so there are events lately that are horrible and happening to me.  I lost a friend Tuesday.  He was a hero, a father, a friend, and a great man.  Years of fighting cancer and he decided it was his time to no longer prolong the inevitable.  The creator called, and he answered. 

In my sadness, laziness, depression, and think of all the great things I have done.  I criticize it.  Now I am wondering why.  I have done so many incredible things for a person my age.  I gave 110% to almost everything I did until I left Wyoming.   Those last few months though were so defeating.  Being neglected by my friends, controversy with my family, being thrown back into the whirlwind of instability that plagues my past.  All of those things were meant to change me, help me grow, and move forward.  I guess I did change from it.  I became jaded and resentful toward the things I once held dear.  I lost large amounts of my vocabulary, my ability to get rest, and my ability to see the light really.  It has been nothing short of terrifying coming to Chicago.  Once I arrived, I fell through circles and circles of torment, transition, self-pity, and doubt.  I was pulled through a lot of that by my new friends, old friends, and confidant.

            I am met with a similar struggle.  I am not happy.  I do not know what exactly will change that but it needs to change and it needs to change now.  I need my mind to wake up, to retain more memory, to become motivated.  I will trace the lines of the future to the back of my hands and hold on to the path destined for me.  I will no longer idly sit by and watch time race past me.  I have a job, an education, and a life.  I will succeed in what I do and what I want.  Time waits for no man and it is time for me to revolutionize my life. 

            What do I like: water, pizza, the sun, outdoors, being active, friends, dancing, singing, being around students, teaching, learning, making money, traveling, being around positive energy, being engaged in flow. 
            I need to find ways to make all of the above more of a priority.  I need to balance my life and stabilize what I have in order to move on with my future.  I have very few months left in this program.  I will now be the one job searching, finishing my portfolio, and graduating.  Again.  I will have successfully completed my B.A. and M.Ed. I could go on for another degree but I am so tired I do not think I would survive it.  I need a break.  Not a stagnant one. I just need time to re-evaluate all that I am, and all that I wish to be. 

Lessons

I just read an article about how to not fall in love with the wrong guy  and after reading it I thought a lot about the lessons this man shared, the experiences he had and the things that I've experienced.  He talks about love and losing it, gaining it back and finding ourselves in it.  Sometimes it's not in our control, it's not our fault if there's no chemistry there.  People come into our lives for lessons and reasons unknown to us at the time and that we should still experience them.  I loved this article.  He's not angry and mad at the world, seeking revenge or justification.  He finally realized this is how the process of getting over one person and falling for another one works.

I've spent a lot of time figuring out why I'm so hard on myself and why I haven't dated.  I could come up with a plethora of excuses as to the finger to point but really it's just life and the things that are thrown at us.  I was just trying to figure a lot out about myself and learning what I wanted out of life and love.  I had my friends and family and now I'm in a place that love is welcomed in so many forms. I can't wait to see where things go and where I'm heading in the world.  My favorite lesson is that it's out of my control and just needs to happen on its own.

100 Days (and beyond) of Happiness Project: Day 1

I am constantly reminded of things in my past, present and future.  The biggest thing I have come to realize is that a lot of situation are so far beyond my control.  What I am in control of is my reaction to those things. I am in control of my happiness, my decisions, how I say things, what I do with my day, and the people I keep in my life. 

It is time for me to start being happy, nice, and myself again.  Lately, I have been in a very negative, scary space.  No longer will I be influenced by things that make me feel less, I am not that person nor will I let myself be.  

I am in graduate school, with a GA, great people around me in a lovely city and it is time I start taking advantage of that.  I thought I had to figure myself out and really I know a lot about myself.  More than I realized.  I am tall, blonde, smart, funny, naïve, awkward, a nerd, a student of life, a child of the modern world, addicted to fiction, a day dreamer, emotional, loving, kind, harsh at times but genuine, too hard on myself, a bad joke teller, I like to sing even though I do not think I am good at it, I have a hard time taking compliments or recognizing my own achievements, I am a hard worker, dedicated, special, unique and even weird.  I drink too much caffeine, love fruit more than any other food group, I like the word crustacean, I question the spelling of words when they are correct, water is my sanctuary and I miss swimming, I want to be a better runner, I want to own/learn to drive/dock/trailer a boat, the open ocean scares me, I secretly love when people are taller than me, I love cupcakes, staying up late, chatting in the dark, camping, kissing, hugging (even though I do not do this often), I love my hair, my smile and my eyes, I miss writing, I love to laugh, listen to retro things and have deep conversations without being judged, I love how my thoughts connect even if others cannot see the connections my mind makes. I love flowers, spring time, summer at the beach, volleyball, the smell of good cologne, freshly showered skin, and even toothpaste.  I love Italian food, traveling, trying new things even though I sometimes need encouragement, culture and learning new things.  I want to learn a new language, see Greece and Spain, travel to every continent by the time I am 50 years old and I have a lot of goals. I want a PhD in Social Justice Education, to make educational policy change, even be president of a well-run or soon to be well run ;) university. I want to change the world.  In so many ways by the smallest of things. I struggle with how and am learning every day. I continue to challenge my own way of thinking and how I can grow as a person. I am daring, bold, cautious and calculated with a sense for pushing the boundaries. I ramble, mumble sometimes, talk a lot and really quickly, I hide my emotions, trust easily and am very guarded at times. I am really bad at keeping secrets unless they are really important, I do not like lying and I am very bad at it. I am forgetful, spread myself thin and wear myself out.  I love tattoos and art, museums and learning, books and the smell of new carpet.  Watermelons and fresh cut grass smell the same to me. I love bubble gum and playgrounds, swings and flying kites, bubbles and puns. Pens that write well, cursive and handwritten letters, photography and light. The stars, campfires and the sounds of nature. I love not always knowing the answer, teaching people, building forts and acting like a child. Strawberries covered in chocolate, raspberries in cream, and homemade jam. I like to bake, am bad at cooking great meals haha, I love to laugh at myself and doodle whatever random images lie in my mind. I love how soft my skin and hair are. 

I love my humor, the ability to make others happy, changing my style and knowing how many people in my life care about me. I love so much it hurts at times. I love Disney and believe in true love.  I know prince charming is out there, I also know that I can be someone’s prince charming too. I know that I should not be afraid of love and holding myself back is not good.  

I love a lot about myself and need to be reminded of it here and there.  This is the challenge of 100 days (and beyond) of happiness.  

Goals- 

I want to unpack one more box by the end of the week.

Go for a long run at least once.

Cook one real meal.

Make one person laugh really hard.

Stop making history worse

We are taught to fear what we do not know.  We out group and other people until we are comfortable and content in our spaces and at what cost? As change agents, we are expected to walk into a world on fire armed with an arsenal of knowledge.  There comes a point when people experience some kind of conflict and have to address the conflict head on or brush it off and let it slide.  When do we decide these moments are most pertinent? Do they shape the rest of our lives, personality, character?

Fear is a very debilitating emotion, it paralyzes and causes doubt.  Living without fear is impossible.  Learning to control our fears and emotions is in fact possible.  We can take steps to see things rationally and in control without losing tempers, becoming upset and emotionally compromised.  There should be a healthy balance of emotion and logic when dealing with fears.  Once that balance is reached, fears are not powerful.  They are real, and very real to some, with emotional baggage and consequence.  

I think in a lot of ways the generation of parents who raised my generation wanted to lessen the blow of reality and how terrible the world is.  There are so many students with anxiety, depression, body image issues, drug and alcohol dependency in alarming numbers. Why? Is there an easy answer?  We were taught to fear everything. Matt Shepard was murdered when I was seven years old, 9/11 was at age 10 beginning the War on Terror, I moved from a small town in Wyoming to Houston, Texas at age 13, attempted suicide at 14, was outed as gay at 16 and those are just some of the major events that shaped who I am today.  I have learned invaluable lessons from all and cherish those experiences as my history. One thing people do not realize is that the media has hyped so many of these issues in so many aspects that millennials are programmed to fear.  Fear not being “cool”, have the newest technology, clothes, best body, best education, job, car, house, watch, hair, looks, Twitter feed, Facebook profile and the list runs on forever.  Older generations may have done things the hard way and they learned hard lessons.  My generation is taught to find the easy way and exploit it.  I am even guilty of this because it is in my nature to look for these.  I work hard, I have put in a lot of effort into my education, my life and the people around me.  A lot of that is due to the fact that I am afraid.  Not of failure, I am afraid of disappointing people, missing an opportunity, a pivotal moment, a chance on love, the new hip buzz word.  I am tired and frustrated with how the system of modern culture creates heuristics in my mind so I will not question society and the structure in place.  As a culture, we are being told to be complacent in what is handed to us and I, for one, am tired.  The government is raising little capitalist-bots to follow suit and fill the mold when we should be breaking the mold into indistinguishable features. Obviously the old ways aren’t working, society is not getting better. We have kids being shot for no reason, public beatings with people video taping it and not doing anything to step in, a government manipulating and exploiting its people while we stand by.  

Change starts with ourselves. One person deciding to stand up.  It also means that others need to lean on one another as well.  This nation needs to stop being divided and start helping each other. Not hand outs, hands up.  The opportunity to bring society together again through little actions that ripple into tidal waves.  There are a lot of post-apocalyptic films, television shows and pop culture references but the situation is not that impossible. One war, one bomb, one cataclysmic natural disaster and are we fit as a country or world to handle it? Australian wildfires in the early 2000’s, Hurricane Katrina, earthquakes in the Middle East that the news played for a day, Haiti, the Indonesian Tsunami, the nuclear meltdown in Japan.  You think this is the worst the world has? We are far from that.  Climate Change brings about unforeseen consequences to nature, we are on the brink of another cold war or  World War III, Israel and Palestine, continuing acts of terrorism and President Obama stating we are going to take action against islamic regimes.  People are naive to think there is not something wrong, and more wrong that they are powerless to do something. What is it going to take? What will make people ready to see what they need to see? Or will it be too late?

I sure hope not, through education, change and a lot of hard work I believe we can tip the scales back. I cannot say how long that will take or what that looks like yet but people really need to start seeing things differently.  The American Dream is gone and disappearing every day that we allow the wealthy class to take and take from us without giving back to the United States economy by outsourcing and offshore bank accounts. We rationalize it as good business when it will be the downfall of the greatest economy the world had ever seen.  Public education needs to be improved and students need to realize this is not a punishment and education is a way of survival. Implementing steps to make healthy change in how our children think critically is more important now than ever.  All ages should take responsibility for what they have control over and then make a difference how they can.  It is time to make history, not watch it happen.

wake up

There are a lot of thoughts that I've run through over and over again.  It took something from my past to break the glass wall surrounding my mind.  See, it's not my heart I was protecting this time.  My heart has been sealed away, locked into a box waiting for something else.  My mind is what I value most about myself.  My knowledge, ability to see what others can't and have the dreams that I have.  I guess protecting my mind means that letting new things in isn't part of the deal.  I was doing what I always do by hiding and running from myself that I forgot that maybe there is no end in sight.  Or at least not a good one.  I've moved and changed so much that I don't know is stable or not stable, where I'll be or what I'll be doing.
I lost what gives me life.  The light that sparks up in the morning and makes me excited to go and do something.  The people that used to give me life are so far away that it stretches the light so thin I can barely see it.  I know it's there and every now and then I can feel it on my face.  Like feeling the sunlight through a window in winter.  It's there, but stepping out into the cold hits you like a tidal wave in monsoon season.  The elements of nature can't be run from, so we prepare for them.  Warm clothes, an umbrella, even a bottle of sunscreen.
I'm basically a simple mess. I know I'm a mess and I don't know how to fix it but all I do know is that I'm figuring it out.  It took a guy who I thought was a friend, yelling at me and treating me like crap, to remind me of exactly what I don't want in life.  Doesn't matter what I do want or even what happens tomorrow because all I know is what happens today.
Today, I went to brunch with some friends and reminded me that I do have great people around me.  They're incredible and insightful, we have meaningful conversations and I feel a little less broken, a little less cracked at the seam.
A place is only as good as the people we keep in it.  So it's time to start making this place great.

It's been 12 years...

It's been 12 years Grandpa, I went to your grave today with Danielle.  It was raining just like it was that day... the day at your funeral and one of the last times I set foot in a cemetery.  The grass so green it hurt my eyes, flowers arranged in wreaths and vases, white chair standing out in the gloom of the empty grave that lie in front of all those people.  I hate cemeteries.  Not because of the dead but just the feelings I get, the memories.  The parts of my past I used to love and now those memories hurt me... I want to think about all the good times but that comes with a price too.

I miss you, it's been so long and things are so messed up here Grandpa. Nothing is like it was and people aren't like they used to be.  I'm sure you hear about it from time to time. I just miss the days you took me to pick raspberries and play in the field, climb rocks in your backyard or looking for arrowheads.

I cried, I didn't want to... but it hurt to be back there after all this time away.  To think of what's happened to me and how much I've wished you were here.  To call me BC, no one calls me that anymore and I miss it.  It's the nickname only you had for me. Reminds me of those days, croquet and badminton in the backyard, calling Boo and Johnny in, cat shaped pancakes and homemade ice cream.

I've had a lot of time to think this summer and in reality it just made me more neurotic haha. Who would have thought we ended up here? Spinning our wheels and holding on for dear life...
Like the time Dillon fell out of the golf cart when you tried teaching me to drive or cheating at cards. I still laugh when I look back on the past.  I see hummingbirds and fruit, licorice gum and the smell of your coat. I had to give the coat back because it stopped smelling like you and I felt like I lost you all over again.  I miss you Grandpa.  I keep feeling like I lost pieces of myself along the way and you were one of them.  The first person that gave me a dose of life, or rather, death.

I just loved our family so much and now a lot of us are distant. Very distant.  Life does that to people, somehow you were the glue and then... Well, I just hope you saw us today.  Looking out for you by the tree, the tree I stared at that day in the rain, listening to Wally plan taps, seeing the flowers and wondering when you were coming back.

It's been 12 years grandpa.

Love, hope and happines

There are moments that I finally let down my walls and see myself for what I could really have to offer, as well as what I'm capable of receiving. Love.  I've always been a hopeless romantic, watched too many disney movies, hold doors and pay at dinner.  Even with friends.  It's this sinking feeling that creeps into my veins, burns through my cells and radiates light in this little-big heart of mine.  I'm sometimes so worried about protecting it that I forget to show it off to people.  After all, the best part of love is giving it to others and those that need it most.

I keep looking back on when my heart started to get colder and harder, those pains that drove spikes a little too deep, and how I could overcome them.  Overcoming adversity is one of the many gifts only life and experience can teach a person.  The adversity of a broken heart is some of the most painful.  Fun science fact, you can literally die from the stress hormones of grief; die of a broken heart.  I don't ever want that to happen, not just to me but anyone.  We're taught to love at an early age and then somehow growing up, selfishness, life and sorrow find ways into making us forget what we're here to do.  We work to live, we work for shelter and food... but society made life this complicated mess of job, retirement, game over.  Really, life is about love and loving those around you.  My Gram, my favorite person, taught me that.  I've always wished I could be more like her... unconditional love and happiness even in the worst of times. Her smile melts my heart and when I don't hear from here for a while it hurts my heart.  When I get the chance to have those conversations with her that make me revel in her brilliance and stories... it makes my life. It's what I'll always cherish and remember.  I want that love to spread to the world. For everyone to have a chance and exist in peace and happiness. Call me a hippie, or any other name you can think.  It won't stop me from striving to make the world a better place. I'm a realist, that doesn't make my dreams any less smaller than what I can make it to be.

I stay up late with my mind racing a lot, thinking of what I could be doing, my day, my life, etc.  I've fallen out of my favorite hobbies and really want to get back into the things I love the most.  Volleyball, swimming, being active, photography, writing... the things that used to make me, well, me.  As I move day to day there are more things challenging my ideas and perspectives on what life is to me... they could be conversations, pictures, wasted or well spent moments... it could be a really good book, hot coffee on cold mornings, or the kiss from an amazingly great guy in a nightclub.

My life is far from simple and boring but to me it's my life.  It seems like "that's what everyone does" when in reality I'm kind of unique in my crazy life experiences.  I've traveled to more than 50% of the states, 5 countries and counting.  Been in love, broken bones and fears, laughed until I've cried and spent some of the best days in places that only some dream of.  I've met phenomenal people of all backgrounds and experiences.  Without a doubt, I am no normal 23 year old.  With all these experiences I have a few great stories to tell.  As I plan for summer, I have months until the next adventure I set myself up on.  Moving to Chicago, all on my own, for Graduate School.   Something I'm most excited about though? Dating in a city, it might be scary, new and crazy but I'm so ready to see what's out there.  Maybe even fall in love again.  It's a little bit of a love centric post tonight but I'm just inspired finally and happy.  I just crave positive people and hugs, cuddling, kissing, cheesy romantic gestures and lazy movie nights... not for the sake of being in a relationship, I want the one guy I can share my crazy life with and his life with me.  I'm a firm believer in long lasting, monogamous relationships, even in the gay community.  I've seen it, and we're more than capable of doing it.  I just need to find the nerdy, quirky guy out there for me.  Someone that kisses me when I come home and laughs at my puns (let's be honest I have good ones) and loves me in all my craziness.  More than that, I want to love him for all those reasons and more.  Just losing myself in moments with him and listening to his day.  That's what I strive for, yes I have career goals and blah blah blah, but what's life if you don't share it with people.  The people you love and cherish.  I know I'll find love when I'm meant to and most likely when I least expect... I just hope I'm paying attention and then never let him go.

Here's to a lot of lazy sunday mornings to come.