There are moments that I finally let down my walls and see myself for what I could really have to offer, as well as what I'm capable of receiving. Love. I've always been a hopeless romantic, watched too many disney movies, hold doors and pay at dinner. Even with friends. It's this sinking feeling that creeps into my veins, burns through my cells and radiates light in this little-big heart of mine. I'm sometimes so worried about protecting it that I forget to show it off to people. After all, the best part of love is giving it to others and those that need it most.
I keep looking back on when my heart started to get colder and harder, those pains that drove spikes a little too deep, and how I could overcome them. Overcoming adversity is one of the many gifts only life and experience can teach a person. The adversity of a broken heart is some of the most painful. Fun science fact, you can literally die from the stress hormones of grief; die of a broken heart. I don't ever want that to happen, not just to me but anyone. We're taught to love at an early age and then somehow growing up, selfishness, life and sorrow find ways into making us forget what we're here to do. We work to live, we work for shelter and food... but society made life this complicated mess of job, retirement, game over. Really, life is about love and loving those around you. My Gram, my favorite person, taught me that. I've always wished I could be more like her... unconditional love and happiness even in the worst of times. Her smile melts my heart and when I don't hear from here for a while it hurts my heart. When I get the chance to have those conversations with her that make me revel in her brilliance and stories... it makes my life. It's what I'll always cherish and remember. I want that love to spread to the world. For everyone to have a chance and exist in peace and happiness. Call me a hippie, or any other name you can think. It won't stop me from striving to make the world a better place. I'm a realist, that doesn't make my dreams any less smaller than what I can make it to be.
I stay up late with my mind racing a lot, thinking of what I could be doing, my day, my life, etc. I've fallen out of my favorite hobbies and really want to get back into the things I love the most. Volleyball, swimming, being active, photography, writing... the things that used to make me, well, me. As I move day to day there are more things challenging my ideas and perspectives on what life is to me... they could be conversations, pictures, wasted or well spent moments... it could be a really good book, hot coffee on cold mornings, or the kiss from an amazingly great guy in a nightclub.
My life is far from simple and boring but to me it's my life. It seems like "that's what everyone does" when in reality I'm kind of unique in my crazy life experiences. I've traveled to more than 50% of the states, 5 countries and counting. Been in love, broken bones and fears, laughed until I've cried and spent some of the best days in places that only some dream of. I've met phenomenal people of all backgrounds and experiences. Without a doubt, I am no normal 23 year old. With all these experiences I have a few great stories to tell. As I plan for summer, I have months until the next adventure I set myself up on. Moving to Chicago, all on my own, for Graduate School. Something I'm most excited about though? Dating in a city, it might be scary, new and crazy but I'm so ready to see what's out there. Maybe even fall in love again. It's a little bit of a love centric post tonight but I'm just inspired finally and happy. I just crave positive people and hugs, cuddling, kissing, cheesy romantic gestures and lazy movie nights... not for the sake of being in a relationship, I want the one guy I can share my crazy life with and his life with me. I'm a firm believer in long lasting, monogamous relationships, even in the gay community. I've seen it, and we're more than capable of doing it. I just need to find the nerdy, quirky guy out there for me. Someone that kisses me when I come home and laughs at my puns (let's be honest I have good ones) and loves me in all my craziness. More than that, I want to love him for all those reasons and more. Just losing myself in moments with him and listening to his day. That's what I strive for, yes I have career goals and blah blah blah, but what's life if you don't share it with people. The people you love and cherish. I know I'll find love when I'm meant to and most likely when I least expect... I just hope I'm paying attention and then never let him go.
Here's to a lot of lazy sunday mornings to come.
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