It's been 12 years...

It's been 12 years Grandpa, I went to your grave today with Danielle.  It was raining just like it was that day... the day at your funeral and one of the last times I set foot in a cemetery.  The grass so green it hurt my eyes, flowers arranged in wreaths and vases, white chair standing out in the gloom of the empty grave that lie in front of all those people.  I hate cemeteries.  Not because of the dead but just the feelings I get, the memories.  The parts of my past I used to love and now those memories hurt me... I want to think about all the good times but that comes with a price too.

I miss you, it's been so long and things are so messed up here Grandpa. Nothing is like it was and people aren't like they used to be.  I'm sure you hear about it from time to time. I just miss the days you took me to pick raspberries and play in the field, climb rocks in your backyard or looking for arrowheads.

I cried, I didn't want to... but it hurt to be back there after all this time away.  To think of what's happened to me and how much I've wished you were here.  To call me BC, no one calls me that anymore and I miss it.  It's the nickname only you had for me. Reminds me of those days, croquet and badminton in the backyard, calling Boo and Johnny in, cat shaped pancakes and homemade ice cream.

I've had a lot of time to think this summer and in reality it just made me more neurotic haha. Who would have thought we ended up here? Spinning our wheels and holding on for dear life...
Like the time Dillon fell out of the golf cart when you tried teaching me to drive or cheating at cards. I still laugh when I look back on the past.  I see hummingbirds and fruit, licorice gum and the smell of your coat. I had to give the coat back because it stopped smelling like you and I felt like I lost you all over again.  I miss you Grandpa.  I keep feeling like I lost pieces of myself along the way and you were one of them.  The first person that gave me a dose of life, or rather, death.

I just loved our family so much and now a lot of us are distant. Very distant.  Life does that to people, somehow you were the glue and then... Well, I just hope you saw us today.  Looking out for you by the tree, the tree I stared at that day in the rain, listening to Wally plan taps, seeing the flowers and wondering when you were coming back.

It's been 12 years grandpa.