Corporeality

Sitting, numb... holding away thoughts. Praying tomorrow brings something bright. My day was shattered by the illusion of a successful day... crying again... after I thought I couldn't cry anymore. Turns out to not be the truth. This time, I can't lie to myself. I have to believe what I believe and move on. I hurt, but it's going to make me better. I just don't what to do this time, everything is different. The future is as bright as you make it, the present isn't gloomy enough to make me want the rain, it's just gray. Purgatory traps the lost souls that leave Earth. What if I never left? What's a lost soul trapped on Earth called? It can't be lost if you know where you are. Mostly drained of energy. Once again I feel that something has been ripped from me. I don't feel it, I know it. My head hurts, and dulls the pain in my heart, but then reminds me of why I hurt in the first place. All I ask is for the right comfort I just don't know where to look. There's a point after avoiding a mirror, that once you look at you're reflection you're shocked. Right now, i'm having a hard time seeing anything. I'm fading into a pit of the down trodden. But corporealization comes with inner knowledge. Only I can make the changes to reappear.

Deadly Sins

I'm becoming an increasingly angry person. I'm not really good with that. I'm sarcastic, grumpy, jokingly angry but never really experience anger.... until now. It's growing and building and I really don't want to talk about it so I'm writing about it. I'm looking at things very pessimistically and trying to re-route my life in a better direction. Mostly, I'm mad at people who think things about themselves that they shouldn't. I'm tired of it. Arrogance, justifiable ignorance?, deception, lack of respect, and just a lack of human decency. I'm pretty much done with it all but it's unavoidable. Who can avoid it? not even Britney Spears avoided drama. I don't know what to do so basically I'm hoping people get over their bullshit and grow up a little. But I don't expect that much from people in this town. Stuck in their small town, high school minds, waiting for others to do everything for them. I was hoping for some positive change this year and so far I'm back to trusting the same people that I've known since freshmen year and I think I'm going to keep it that way.

Pretty Little Larai-liars

Once again it's some ungodly hour in the night/morning and I'm about to write out some of my burning ideas and throw them onto those who will read this or won't. I'm tired. I'm tired of the bullshit and complications that come with working with other people. I've been told I'm rude and honest... YOU'RE FUCKIN' RIGHT I AM! I hear it all the time "I want honest people." "I'm the most honest person you'll meet." That's an outright, damned lie. Everyone lies, EVERYONE, no one is immune to it but little things here and there are easily ignored. Just don't try and us the same bullshit excuses on me. Tell me what you're thinking and feeling and I'll respect you more as a person. Use me, lie about it and treat me like crap and see how far that gets you. I won't be there in the end when you need me to unless YOU treat ME with the same respect I give my friends. It really IS that plain and simple. Sure I lie, once in a while, I fib, stretch or exaggerate things. When I need to be though, I am completely honest and genuine. Most people, I'm finding out again, aren't. This shouldn't be new to me but it means that I need to reevaluate my faith in people. Laramie especially, people are filled into these roles and rumors and everyone knows everyone's fucking business. Guess it's time to break that. So just know that second chances are earned, third chances are rare, and after that... you'll see what happens.