Life's Little Lessons

Sometimes, pretending to be okay is worse than admitting you're hurting. Well, being put in a situation where you feel helpless doesn't help. But I really am okay. I can handle anything, just sometimes I shouldn't be the one handling it. I'm 21. I've grown up faster than most people should and the best part is that I doubt even more than four people would ever understand the background that I came from. Others have definitely had it worse and I'm not trying to belittle that, we all face trials and obstacles... my family just seemed to get them in greater intensity. They say that sacrifice is giving up something for the betterment of yourself or others... the other definition is killing to appease a deity. So did we do what we did to help our family? or were we left on the chopping block? Personally, I feel as if I was waiting in line behind Marie Antoinette. haha too soon? I can handle a lot, it's just that sometimes I prefer to talk about it and not bottle things up. I don't need advice, or a huge lecture. Just someone to listen. I usually love hearing both sides, but playing devils advocate and giving others the benefit of the doubt doesn't help the situation. Most of the time, it's because people make it seem like I never get the benefit of the doubt and I'm the irrational one. It could be my fault for not making them understand my story or point of view. Like I said, I don't have a lot of people who know that story. It's not really one I like to tell either. Eight years of torment, lies and doing nothing but trying to survive. When you're in survival mode, it's really hard to leave it and enjoy life. I had a good portion of my adolescence taken from me because I had to step up and do things that my family wouldn't or couldn't... I don't regret it, it made me who I am and I would rather be the product of a hard life than be coddled into blissful ignorance. Life isn't just being happy all the time, until you experience all the good and bad you know only a portion of what it's like to be alive. When you experience the bad emotions, you can appreciate the good so much more. Funny how life works out, even from the shadows beauty can be born. Even in light, beauty can be torn.

Don't forget it's Earth Day!

Happy Earth Day! Today... used to be big deal in my hometown... I remember my 3rd grade class getting a tree donated and planting it on my elementaries open field. Today, Matt, Tino and I are pairing up with Multi-cultrual Advocates for Women Empowerment to participate in sustainability clean up around the University of Wyoming Campus. It's a really great program and I'm sad to see such a small turnout from Spectrum. It'll still be grewat and fun though for all who participate in it. I'm not a hippie, or green peace by any means but I believe that people need to be made more concisously aware of the implications they have on this planet. Waste, garbage and manufacturing has taken it's toll and will continue to make it's mark on the planet. The human footprint is large and only increasing in its size. So start the initiative. Recycle paper, plastic, or make a compost heap. The world will thank you one day. :)

I'm struggling with the reality of people in my life. It's more and more confusing as time runs on. Especially my family. I start to wonder what they really think about me. Or what I do in college. My siblings and I are so different, I just wonder if I'm taken advantage of or pushed aside because it's easier to do it me. I'm the nice kid, the one who was always so obedient and well behaved. These last years I've tried to stay independent and on my own but I've resorted to relying on my parents from time to time. Though, not as much as they relied on me. At first I felt like I owed them for them raising me, but I realized that's their job. To raise me. Once I went to college things were supposed to change for the better. Which for me they did, for my parents they didn't. Sometimes I wonder if they blame me. I used to be the glue to the family. My sister is about to go to college, finally, and my parents are getting divorced. I'm conflicted in becoming an adult. I'm even more conflicted that grown adults rely on their 21 year old college student and not the 22 year old with a high paying career, or the high school daughter that has a job... I'm 25,000 dollars in debt, soon to be more. The economy is fluxing, America is spiraling, and all I want is just pursue my goals without taking care of people that I shouldn't be obligated to take care of. Saddest part is that I would love to help them if they were in a place that they actually needed help. I would drop everything in a heartbeat. That's not the case here, their irresponsibility. I wish that I didn't feel this way but I do. Sometimes parents make mistakes, and sometimes the scars run too deep. There is a lot of greatness in my life, but there are a lot of things that I have to accept and deal with. I accept that the circumstances of my past are not present in my current life, but those same circumstances are the building blocks of my existence.

Dreaming in a Wonderland

I can't stay in one place for too long. I think that has a lot to do with my parents. They moved around a lot and so I think that's what led to me moving a lot. We traveled all the time when I was a little tyke. Arizona every summer, Lake Havasu for Spring Break... we lived out of our boat. I miss those days so much. My family was together and we made our own fun. I had one of the most wild imaginations of anyone I ever crossed paths with. I want that imagination back. I've locked away creativity in order to maintain composure. But now I can't maintain composure and I just want to be happy. I want life back, excitement in the small things and things I used to love. I'm slowly going back to the things I loved and finding new things :)

This year has changed me, made me adapt and appreciate people again. Matt has somehow allowed me to trust people which I was afraid I'd never get that back. I'll be forever indebted to him for that. He makes me feel like I'm so powerful, smart and can do anything. He inspires me to greatness even if he doesn't know it. The faith and beauty of that boys soul makes me truly believe angels are among us. He's a pure spirit with a pure heart. Recognizing the good in others. He should recognize the good in himself as well, because what I see is pure greatness. I'm not saying this because we're seeing each other, I'm saying it as a friend. That boy's going places.

I have a lot of hope for humanity. I have great people in my life, amazing opportunity and the passion to accomplish whatever it is comes my way. It's time for me to recognize that. I still don't believe I'm as attractive as people say, I am a harsh critic on myself, and I never feel like my accomplishments are as great as they could be. But this year it's different. I'm actually realizing that what I do is great, that it sets me apart from others and my uniqueness is actually accepted. That I'm appreciated. Angela cried when she was saying her thank you's in the SSSJ Welcome. She's been so much more than a supervisor, than a professor... she's been a mentor, an idol and a friend. She's been so amazing to me. I'm so thankful for her in my life.

I'm led down a path, with no direction to go.
The road that I chose wasn't meant to show.

Life decisions

It's been a while since I've posted. So here goes. haha. A lot has changed. And a lot has stayed the same... Where to start... where to start...
Some of the last few things I wrote about have been on my mind a lot. I think I may have had some of those prayers answered. The most amazing guy came into my life at the exact right time. He's sweet and funny, dorky, quirky and gorgeous. All that aside. He has the most beautiful heart and the most amazing mind. He's fascinating and he makes me completely comfortable. I'm never worried about messing up or trying too hard because everything we do is natural. It's moving at it's own pace and he makes me so extraordinarily happy. He's so beautiful, inside and out.

The symposium is over, and it was great! But soooooooooo much work. Running a national symposium is exhausting.
www.shepardsymposium.org
There were some moments that were rough but easily fixed and I was able to work with some of the most amazing people! :) the committee members are so great. They're my family and they understand my passions.

My final group project is over which was such a pain in the ass! But I'm so close to finishing this semester! I cannot wait! I'm ready for summer, and being an orientation leader! Things are moving forward, myself along with them.

I really am considering the peace corps. I think it would be an amazing experience for me and I would really enjoy the knowledge gained by going to another culture and working with them for 2 years.

I still want to go to graduate school but I want to travel first and experience things while I still can.