Kill or Be killed

You know... I'm not really sure what to write about anymore. I'm really confused about everything. But I think I'm supposed to. Let's start with dating. I thought I've always known what I wanted but I really think I've lost all idea of what I want. The fun part? I think it's better that way, why would we get what we want? Would we like it once we have it? Or would we even know it when see it? Would it even be at the "right" time? No, we don't know what we want, we don't get to pick and choose who we fall for can we? No, so I'm going to throw out the old check list. It's time for a new idea and some new perspective. Next is time. Everyone wants more time, time to fly, or doesn't want to wait for time. Time is seriously a relative measurement, no person is really going to have an accurate measurement of time. It's only the increments we put throughout the day that actually creates time. Why couldn't we change it? If we did what would happen to time? Who knows, but if things are worth it... then aren't they worth the wait? Yes. There's no real question about that.

Life: Life is interesting and it never works out like it's supposed to. It's a game of survival and you have to protect yourself in order to survive. I've protected myself and set things up to make sure that I'm okay. Sometimes my boundaries don't see everything coming and they get broken, but I can just as easily rebuild them. Others don't really have that great of an inner psyche. i'm not new to disaster, chaos and pure sorrow. I always come out of things fine in the end.

Thoughts: I've had a strange set of thoughts lately. It's nothing but an inner circle of my own thoughts playing with my head like crazy. I think sometimes it helps but not always.

I miss the connection I had with my friends. the closeness and protective rock that I thought I had. I unfortunately no longer have that and I have to rebuild my grounds so-to-speak. It's interesting to see who really stays in your life and puts up with your shit haha.

I know who those people are now, and I'm not letting them go... not if it kills me.

Healing

Sweet clarity, fills in the ecstasy of grief. Finally there's the beginning of relief and moments of peace of mind. I think that my heart is starting to heal and I'm starting to see that things are in fact different. Haha it's funny to think of how the things you think you want can be brought around in a new perspective. you just have to remind yourself that you know what you want and there are far greater things out there.

I have a big heart but it's still mine, and I only let certain people into it. So I have a long time to find the right person. Especially when my heart is healing

Taking a stand

There's a lot I've had to write about, and now none of it made it into text. I'm sitting at Meg's radio show, letting my mind run wild and I shouldn't. The one thing that leads to my own hurt is myself. My mind can run and race and I let it from time to time. But it's simple. I distract myself and I can make myself not pay attention. I haven't done this for a while because I haven't really needed to but now things are just necessary. I'm beginning to go numb at times and one of the greatest things is that I can sleep through the night, for the first in a very long time. That's something I wasn't expecting but I'm so thankful for. I'm also surrounded by caring, loving, understanding friends that I couldn't have asked for better treatment from. My heart still beats no matter the fact it's broken, I still breathe knowing that I breathe in broken shards, and my feet still walk no matter the fact that they've gone through enough in their lifetime.

I stand when it's not easy, talk when it hurts, and hold up others when I can barely hold myself up.

No MORE

I had a post typed up about how down I've been lately. Fuck that. I'm turning a new leaf and I'm going to bring happiness back into my life. No more sad lounging, no more depressiveness. I deserve a shred of decency and happiness. I'm going to find it in this shit hole of a town if it's the last thing I do. I've had a lot drained and taken from me. I'm going to take it back. Starting now. Emotions can only bother a person for so long. After that a person just can't care anymore. So this is me, no more mister sappy mope, no more wasting time thinking about things that only hurt me. It's time to focus on ME and get what I need to get the HELL OUT OF THIS PLACE! I have some options lining up and I can start focusing on them to get me out of here. I hope I can do it, I will do it.

My future is more important than my "friends" treating me like shit.

So here goes, a new chapter, a new perspective, a new dedication. To me.

How to sever ties

How to sever all ties? It's really quiet easy. Lately I've been forced to cut myself off from certain people and certain activities and I'm really glad that I am... it's a great step and transition for me to re-learn what I'm supposed to be doing and the path that I'm on or should be on. I may have stumbled and lost my footing but I'm right back in the game and I'm not stopping here. Things are starting to fall into place and go where they need to be. I'm so excited and ready to see where things take me. I'm so excited and nervous about the future. I know something is coming and I'm not sure what but I know it will change the nation, maybe even the world. Only time will tell what is to come and only God knows how the world will pan out. But I firmly believe that I'm going to have to be some part of this, and not only me but all others like me. The ones called for something greater than they know yet...

The Chosen Children of God.

In the end of days God will send his chosen children to Earth. It is in my firm conviction that we are sent here to change things for the better or lead the best into the afterlife. I may seem crazy and if you think so then you're more than welcome to but I know that there are things far greater than our little minds can hold and what's soon to be will shock most of us and we can only hope humanity has some goodness left in it to change things.

I'm not the perfect person when it comes to my emotions. Most of the time I can write them down or think through feelings in my head and they can go away. Sometimes they don't, lately I've been waiting for things to dissipate and clear the air. They haven't. I slowly feel better and I don't talk to a lot of people about these things because technically they can't help me. They can't fix things for me and I just seem like a downer all the time. For that I am sorry because emotions can be contagious but I can't help what I feel. Things will get better, but for know they suck. I thought I hid my emotions well enough but there are a few people who saw through my little mask, saw what's really going through my mind, body, and soul. For those... I am most sorrowful, there are things I never wanted to push onto another person and that was a major one. I'm strong, and I can get up and dust myself off but after a while a person grows tried, I grow tired, and I need to rejuvenate. I don't know what's in store for me, but I do know that I can get done what I need and bounce back if I just focus on some me time. Who knows I can do that. I can be alone and still have thoughts of others and about others still racing through my consciousness. I've gotten back to a lot of roots and I'm so thankful for that. I'd forgotten some of the best things that created and shaped me. I apparently lost sight of those attributes and needed a little reminding.

There are many things in life that can throw you off track, some you see coming and others you won't know are about to hit you. The goal is to be as prepared as possible, you establish boundaries and control who is in and out of your life, you surround yourself with positive, good people and remove the others. You don't allow them to cross your boundaries. Keep yourself at a distance from those who pose a threat. Know your limits and pay attention to the signs.

People always have "tells" that give away their true thoughts. Too bad that I can't read them all so easily all the time. I'm an adult, yes I have growing up to do and I'm not the most mature all the time but I am an adult in a generation that not many adults are born in. I don't really know why this happens and why people don't just do what they're supposed to and what's right but it seems the "days of manners" are lost in my generation. Sure there are some of us that are good people but there are also those that aren't. It's seen all the time in the most various of places and situations. It just amazes me how people think they can treat others in this time period... maybe one day they'll get a reality check, a slap in the face, or Karma will come back to them.

Here's hoping