Mixing feelings

I don't know what to think really, my mind has been racing all the time for as long as I can really remember. All I know, is that I want to get to know him more. I want to see where things go, or I hope they go somewhere anyway. It's a nice change of pace to have a quiet guy to hang out with, but I feel as if I talk too much already. haha. Which I can be known to do. I just like him. for a lot of reasons, and it's new and exciting. So after Christmas Break I can resume to knowing more about him, I just hope he's there when I get back and still available. It makes my heart warm to think about it. haha.

Today I worked at this boutique VIP night thing, it's so hard to put on a fake smile for these people. I don't mean to have such a harsh tone but I can't stop myself. Tomorrow is going to be a true test. and I'm so nervous. I have to talk to my dad about everything that has bothered me for years. I hope I can have peace of mind and move on after tomorrow. We'll see.

Through everything, I still know that life moves on, I'm just hoping it moves in a steady and reliable direction.

Word Vomit

I have no real idea what I'm doing. I'm about to go to Texas and have a life changing conversation. With all that's gone on I've lost a lot of my motivation. I need an answer to move on and apparently my family thinks I'm out last resort. Which makes me even more nervous.

But at the same time, some good things have happened that I'm really excited about :) Things happen in some interesting ways. I can't wait to see where things go. And I'm excited to hang out with my mom any my sister.

Reality always comes back though, school starts and I'm going to be taking a full load of classes, and an internship, and I'm applying for Summer Orientation. so many great opportunities and so many unique ways to go about things. I'm still scared. I'm still afraid of being lonely. But I have great friends. I'm hoping we can make it through things together. I'm running out of trust. Especially lately, the saying "They're an "ex" for a reason." is becoming more apparent by the second. I'm tired of the petty fights, the narcissism, the drama, irresponsibility, immaturity, disrespect and whatever the hell other reasons that irritate the living daylight out of me.

I won't stick up for you, I won't give you good recommendations and I'm tired of trying to be your friend. I think... this means... I'm done. I have more important things to worry about in the future. The one that you're obviously not a part of. I've given people far too many chances to fix things. I'm going to see that it doesn't happen again.

The clock strikes.

I'm not ok... I've lied for so long, and kept a smile. Told people that I'm not overwhelmed or that I can handle it. I can't. There are so many things, coming from all sides, that I can't concentrate. Things are slipping through the cracks.

I wish it were possible to sleep for three days straight! I just want a break, or a day when I have no cares or worries. Or a night where someone just cuddles up to me and spends the night watching movies. I want simple. Just a moment of clarity. But no, life is a test, one that no one passes at the end. We still try to make things better, different, more exciting... I just want to feel accomplished. Loved, cared for, thought of, desired.... something real and special. I want someone to not lie to me, for them to love me back, and to connect to someone on the highest level possible. Who knows when I'll find that... I doubt here. I doubt know but I don't know that. I just want someone to rely on. That's near me, and will always be here. Apparently I'm asking too much, so.... I'll go about my day, with a smile on my face... and live. Before time runs out.

Dusting things off

Things change, tides shift, the planet spins and time waits for no man. I've been through God knows what, and I'm still standing. Turns out though, standing up again and again is exhausting. But you get up, dust yourself off and get a move on. There's no time to cry, or mope, or explain myself. I just put on my shoes and walk out the door. My life is greater than you would think. I have to make the most with what I have and deal with what I don't. Growing up isn't easy, try growing up when you're 14, then again at 16, knowing you're supposed to be a kid and mess up, enjoy life. I didn't get that luxury. I mess around in college and I've made my mistakes. That doesn't mean that I'm not grown up. People keep telling me how grown up I am, it scares me. There's no going back, no growing back down. I'll still be me, I'll be too old for my age, too young for my own good, and left in a void that no one understands.

So I pick myself up, dust myself off and put on my game face. Welcome to life... it's here and it's not going away.

It's cute you write like a 13yr old girl but...

I haven't blogged in a while, and now I'm about to rant about a lot of things here.

First off, when blogging, I find it mildly ridiculous to post your link on Facebook after EVERY blog post. You have a damn blog to keep that shit OFF OTHER SITES!!!!! If people really wanted to know you, or really liked what you wrote they would read your blog and not need the incessant reminders of your non-sense spewing into other sectors of the networking world.

Next, DO NOT, I REPEAT DO, FUCKING, NOT write in a 3rd person. 3rd person arguments need to be left in research papers and politics where they belong. You don't sound more intelligent by writing in a 3rd voice. It disconnects you from the audience and leaves the reader thinking that the information is A) Not relevant to them B) unimportant or C) a waste of time reading. AND, this gets better, and! you sound like a damn fool! Read this sentence:

1st person: I love my best friend, she is so amazing.

3rd person: One loves their best friend, that person is amazing.

How fucking emotionless does that sound? Seriously, bore someone else with your 13 year old dramatic writing. I understand I have a blog, and it's to express myself. That's true. But it's not to write down emotionless babble and then re-post it to Facebook for attention. The only people I tell to read my blog are those who matter to me and can get a new insight into my mind and emotions. NOT to have my own personal journal to write 3rd person, American Teen Girl entries and broadcast it to all your fake friends.

My writing is personal, it matters to pretty much only me and whatever the reader interprets. True writing comes from the heart and the soul, not from stealing words from a website to make you seem more intelligent. There are true brilliant writers out there. You, I'm not sorry to say, aren't one of them. So re-think your audacity, write like you speak, and then one day you'll realize the truth of writing and the power it possesses. Until then, I'll continue to harshly criticize your writing and avoid reading future posts.

Ze Bitch

I keep having people tell me to "Focus on the Positives". That's sweet, but I'm a realist. I know this world isn't unicorns and rainbows. I know I have a lot of great things in my life, but when do the good outweigh the bad? I have work to do myself. I just wish I wasn't having to do this alone. I'm so tired. and so hurt. I'm waiting for the messages to come in and out, the truth to reveal itself and for time to make a difference. Unfortunately, I have the answers and I just need to focus on me and how I can better my "inner" self. Otherwise I'm left with an invisible soul that no one can see, and we don't want that.

I need to get back to what makes me happy. Swimming, photography, and obviously my security blanket (Charmed). This is life, the real world, and it's a bitch. Time to stand up and deal with it. No more running, no more excuses. It's time.

Oh the places

Today is the most ridiculous roller coaster of feelings, ideas and conceptions. First off, I had an amazing night with a BEYOND wonderful guy. He's spectacular, different, genuine, fascinating and completely incredulous. Four hours of talking, a little bit of inebriation and some other recreational activities made up the most amazing night I've had in... I don't even know how long. Not to set my goals too high but I'm a little "twitterpated". I hope he likes me back. I haven't been this excited for so long that I'm scared to lose it. He listens to me, most people just try and give you advice or turn it back to them. He doesn't, he's pretty much amazing. With things being so different I've never really seen something like this coming. It's at the perfect time, I have one last ray of hope that things can change. And in a second, they did. So even though this is vague and not interesting to really anyone but me, I'll leave you with this:

There are brains in your head, there are feet in your shoes, you can steer yourself in any direction you choose, you're on your own, and you know what you know. And you are the guy who'll decide where to go. -Dr. Seuss