Deja Vu

Deja Vu, I take things like this more seriously than others. I believe in the supernatural and things outside of the ordinary. I also believe in fate. Things are meant to happen in certain ways at certain times. Last night, I had an amazing night. Things literally played out like a movie and I loved it :) the thing is, I wasn't expecting it, or asking for it. It just happened. Now I get to look forward to the things to come from this and I anticipate some great things. If not I'll always learn from it :)

Fairy Tales

I'm really tired of everything, my heart isn't in this anymore. I'm tired of consoling friends when it's convenient for them. In certain ways I feel like I should be so independent(which I pretty much am) and just continue being me. I've overwhelmed myself and now I'm trying to clean it all up. I just don't know what people want from me. Not everyone, but there are certain people in my life that I would really like if they could get over their issues or at least tell me what they are so I can move on. The second I stop trying to force things out of them they think I'm ignoring them, or I get too defensive and they think that I'm too set in my ways. Well news flash: I AM! I am the way that I am because of how I've been burned in the past. Now I'm broken, hurt, stressed and lonely and it takes all my energy to put a damned smile on my face and make sure that all your venting gets accomplished. I don't like venting anymore because I feel that people stop listening to me. They only want their problems to be heard or they try and throw advice on my. Guess what, most of the time I don't want or need your advice, I just need people to listen to me. I'm not like most people my age and I think that's why people don't understand me. I'm not sure how to change things because I don't really want them to be that different. I would love for some attention from one attractive guy in this town without loaded questions or beating around the bush. Oh wait! I'm on the list of people not to talk to and every guy in town is so deep in the closet they're dust bunnies. I need out of this place, on to new things and new people. to grow and experience all the things that are out there. Not be trapped in this small town where dreams are belittled and everyone knows you.

I want my parents divorce finalized, I want to be paid back so I have financial security, I want to start my job, take a break from school, have fun, get back into photography, dream, not stress, travel, go back to San Diego. I started to realize the old me when I went home over break. Piece of my true character I'd forgotten.

It would be nice to have someone with me: hold my hand, watch movies, a warm body to sleep next to.

sometimes... in the middle of an ordinary day, life and love give you a fairy tale. I want a fairy tale. I believe in true love, and I'm a total romantic. Guess that's my curse.

Mis-commuication

Miscommunication leads to some hard things, but it's just that "mis"-communication. I hurt someone, in an attempt to protect my heart. We both hurt each other. I don't think this is the end. I'm willing to work on this until the end of days. I can't lose him. I won't. I hope he has the heart to forgive me. Things went great, so amazing even. But the message I never should have sent was read. I can't explain how sorry I am, or how low I feel. That's the only thing in my entire life this far that I regret doing. I would give anything to take it back. But I can't. I dreamt of this life and I should have been more patient and listened to my gut and not my friend. They give some of the worst advice. Expect Kelsey and Christina. They gave me what I needed to make it through this. I just... I just... hope he's willing to work on it with me. I would never intentionally hurt him; I never thought I would. This happens in relationships though. They just need to be worked through. It's new for both of us. I'm going to try and make it through today with a clear head. I hope for good news, but I'm ready to bear the consequences of my immature actions. I'm sorry.

facing hard times doesn't define you. What you do after those times is where strength is born. Sometimes things are misrepresented. I'll admit sometimes I don't make the most sense-making thoughts but I still admit my failures and stand my ground on my facts. Things worth keeping aren't easy right? So I'm not going to give up. Fortune cookies say... "the beginning is the hardest part, hang in there" so I'm hanging in there. I'll stay until it hurts, fight until I fail, and stay true to myself. I'm a survivor and a fighter. I will not back down in the face of challenge. I will be resilient and strong even in my darkest moments. I'm strong, smart and important. even if I don't like to admit it. I will achieve greatness

Something I should have figured out a long time ago

I realized today that I can control things the way I want them to be. It's something I think I've always known but just didn't quite know how to address. People come to things in their own time, and in their own terms. I get that now. I just need to be happy for the things I do have and then let everything else play out the way that it should. My grandpa's expression is: You can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink. This is very true. I need to just trust things and let them come to be in their own time.

Don't Let the Music Stop

I'm trying to figure out life. I know... big shock. Things lately have been stressful from every direction. Hard, scary, sad, happy, funny, lonely, lovely, and more. But I came to a conclusion and I stole this quote from a movie, "Faces in the Crowd", and it was "whatever you do, don't let the music stop." Life is like the shuffle on your MP3 player/iPod. Sometimes you have a streak of happy songs, love songs, or songs that make you want to dance; sometimes the songs want to make you cry, scream or hit someone. Different songs make you feel different, act different and you relate the lyrics to your own life. The music plays and life goes on, whatever you do, don't let the music stop. I wish I had the strength to push the skip button and move on from the songs I don't want to hear but I can't. Experiencing life means the good and the bad, I can't pick and choose. I just feel that now I'm finally trying to trust people again and I get burned. I don't think people care about me as much as I care about them. I don't know that of course but lately I just haven't felt it as much. Maybe it's not the caring part, but more of the trust. I give people 100% of my trust and try to be a good listener and communicator. But it's a two-way street. Sometimes I feel like the only car on the road. I finally have great things in my life and I want to hold on so tight that it's almost too much, then I back off and feel like I'm slipping away and not holding on. I have to put faith in people when I don't think they put faith in me. It's not just one person and that's the problem. It's so many little things that I'm beginning to wonder who I'm really afraid of. I think I'm afraid... of me. The expectations I have just disappoint me when I don't reach them and I don't know how to lower the bar. The world spins and you either get lost in the vortex or run with it. I always thought I was in the vortex, just turns out, I'm one of the few running with it. I just don't want to finish the race alone. don't let the music stop, keep listening to the lyrics, and live. Love with all your heart, take a risk with me, and I'll prove that I'm worth it.

I'm scared. I normally don't admit to that but I am. I don't know about what, but for some reason I can't shake this feeling of overwhelmed emotion. Little things trigger these huge scenarios in my head and then I can't stop thinking about it and it just leaves me with worry and stress. I just want to curl up in a little ball and hide from the world for a bit. But that's cowardice. I just wish I could clear my head. Even for an hour...
I just keep reminding myself of the good things that I have in my life. I have to in order to make it. Family, friends, love, boyfriend, a future... I just wish I had a few more answers. or a hug. haha