The Path

22 years.  22 years 6 months and 8 days.  Who knew that the world would have changed so much in so little time.  Humans have made leaps and bounds... we have the world's knowledge in our pockets, buildings that dwarf some of the oldest monuments and yet we still worry about the little things.  I wonder what my parents thought about 22 years ago.  The morning I was born.  If someone had asked them what they though I would be, would they have an answer? A teacher? A professor? Engineer?
I couldn't even have predicted where my life has now ended up.  Now I'm looking down a road, at a blinding light, blurring the path ahead of me... I'm in my 20's, I'm supposed to be trying everything and changing, adapting, having enough energy to run a power plant.  I can't even stay up past 11pm.  I fall asleep in the car and I can't seem to find the fun in going out to little Wyoming bars for a "good time".  I love my new job and it's really amazing experience, but I can't help thinking I need to move on to the next step.  Sure it's scary, you're damn right it's scary! It's my future.  I don't want to ruin it.  I also can't help of feel utterly excited in the fact that I can move on a whim, end up anywhere and start over. The hard part is being lost.  That transitional period of not knowing where my foot will land, if I call my family enough or when my next paycheck is going to stay in my bank account.

My biggest struggle? That I don't want to hear advice, I don't want to talk about it really, I want someone to hold me and tell my things will be okay.  I'm not weak, I'm not petty.  I genuinely want to have someone take care of me for a change.  That selfish little moment where I want someone to want me to feel better. Hell, even someone to lay on the couch with me and watch Halloween movies with nothing better to do than to lay on my lap and laugh with me about the bad acting or "what it was like for me as a kid" stories. I'm stuck in youth, cursed with burnout and not a clear idea of how to break out of that yet.  I hope it's the path that I'm on.  I just might have to start making my own.

Before it's too late

Sheesh has it been a while, I don't even know the last post I've had on here really.  You know those moments... where you stop to think about your life and everything runs through your head so fast that you feel like you're not thinking at all? That was the last three months of my life.  Somewhere along the line I blew a few too many gaskets and I'm not sure how to replace them.  There's just so many different things happening in my life.  I'm a professional on campus. I'm no longer a student. I'm a role model, self-critic, masochist and a lot of other things as well. I honestly don't know very much about myself anymore. I've become mean, arrogant, reserved, cryptic and isolated.  I have no idea how to chip away the ice that surrounds my frozen heart but if any one has any ideas... feel free to shout them out.

My parents are now divorced which makes things a lot different.  My dad acts like nothing has changed and it's all normal.  Nothing will ever be normal again.  I'm used to change and thought this change would lead to some growth and development.  It lead me straight into relational paranoia.  I don't trust people, I can't really feel love lately it seems and I've shut off... just like he did, just like he did to us and my mom. I can't even cry now I'm so desensitized to it. I've been seeing people here and there, flirting like I always do but two weeks in I can't seem to let myself get close to them. I'm looking for things I'm not finding.

I'm also really hard on myself. I need to work on that.  Start being physically, mentally, emotionally... healthier.  I'm so broken.   I sometimes wonder if I'll ever really know what I'm looking for when I see it. I feel lost and kind of alone because I can't get close to people any more.  Not as easily. Where do you start? Hollywood lies to you and gives you these moments that jump start your life... I'm waiting for that. The firework, the spark, the chair that's kicked out from under me.  I need to get back on track before it's too late.  Before I descend into darkness and no one has a match.

Looking back on love

It's been a while since I've posted something.  Tonight has me thinking... about a lot of things and how far I've come.  So this guy and I have been hanging out, and we've been talking.  I finally am realizing how much my perspective on men/guys have changed over my jaded years. Although I haven't been dating long(4 years), I used to be so happy about it and pumped! Coffee dates were a weekly occurrence some months for me.  Now people hang out with me 4-5 times and start talking serious. Too serious.  This normally would be something flattering and I'd brush it off and see where things went.  Now, I didn't even notice this guy, or the last few, REALLY liked me.  I thought it was the "figure this guy out" stage and apparently I'm a few steps behind.  We are now on the same page after talking a little but man am I in a new territory.  Not in the dating sense but the navigating myself sense.  He mentioned that he hopes I'm single when I come back from California and that is great! But I'm not honestly sure what I want out of this. I like that things are going slow, and that's new for me.  I just have no idea what I really think about it. I don't really think of dating. Yeah I dream about the perfect guy, but I don't think about how much time is needed to make these relationships work.  The texting, the flirting, what to say and not to say. I don't even think of all the "rules" everyone tells me about. I can't stand the whole "if he texts you first today you should text first tomorrow."  How about I text back whenever the hell I feel like it.  Not in a mean way, but really.  If things are meant to work and I have an interest things will happen naturally. I'm sure I'll figure it out and make sense of it all eventually but i just don't even know where I'm at in life right now.  Guess we'll see.

Tomorrow's Another Day

My friend Erin and I were talking about life and all the stress and craziness we're under when she was telling me about how her friend from Australia sent her a letter telling her to not forget the person she wanted to be when she left the "Land Down Under".  As she was telling me how touching it was, I almost started crying.  This summer, graduation, my family and friends have all challenged me and I've become a completely different person and I'm still transitioning.  I realized, by talking with Erin, that I too forgot the person I wanted to be when I came back.   I wanted to do great things, get a masters degree and move to a city. I know for a fact at least two of those things aren't accomplished at all.
I'm trying to remember the man I wanted to be and all that I learned while I was abroad as well as the past few years of my life.  I'm afraid of the future but it's not going to stop me.  I've just been thrown into a new paradigm of existence and I'm just wondering how to find myself again.  I tried to reconnect with some friends I thought I could open up to and they just went off about their own lives, interrupted my stories, and springboarded every conversation we had back onto them.  I sat there and listened, paid attention and validated their feelings... because that's what friends do.  It's been so long since I've been able to open up to more than a few people and not feel judged, boring or forgotten.   It's amazing how selfish and foolish people can be and they take advantage of you so easily.
People assume that I'm so strong, and I am in some aspects, and in others I'm so vulnerable it's as if I'm 6 years old again.  I miss those innocent moments and sometimes they still catch me off guard. I used to write, read and photograph all the time.  I've lost my hobbies, my social structure and a lot of my motivation over this summer and I'm really hoping to get it or something new back. The friends I've kept this summer and stayed close to are the friends I'm hoping to keep forever.  The rest... were never really deserving friends to begin with.
I keep getting the feeling that my head and heart are sealing themselves off and it really scares me.  I was so open to love and new beginnings when I came back from London and then it was slammed in my face over and over.  Even the people I thought would be my rocks weren't.  Now I crave to have someone be that for me.  A friend, a lover, family... but that spot isn't filled.  I bottle up my emotions waiting for when I won't have to any more but I can't seem to find that yet.  I also don't want to unleash my repressed emotions on someone who doesn't deserve to have them dumped on them.  I really, and not so secretly, wish I could find a guy who steals my heart and keeps it.  A confidant, a friend and a partner, but in my world those are hard to come by.... Hell, coffee dates are hard to find in Laramie.  I'm going to work here for another year and tough it out but I'm hoping I don't get lost along the way... I need to set some goals.
1) apply to grad schools in a city
2) find a hobby and stick with it
3) focus more on me time and becoming the best me I can be

I am going to stick to these goals and not back down.  This time next year I want look back at this post and roll my eyes.  Today is the day I'm going to change myself because I want to.

Fortune Favors the Brave

Coming Home

Adventures take a toll on us.  I returned from London in the middle of April to enter Wyoming in a blizzard.  My mom came and picked me up from the airport and I went and spent the night with my best friend in Cheyenne.  The next day I had to pack up and drive back to Laramie taking Highway 287, because of the snow.  I made it back to Laramie and crashed at Allisons house.  The next three to four weeks were spent at Keileighs, Angelas, Taylors and then into the residence halls at UW.  Through all of this I jumped back into work, I saw some amazing people, I went to my friends prom and had countless dinners, coffee dates and so many hugs that I was one happy panda.   But things started to sink in.  No one really knew what was going on with me and I didn't especially. I was realizing the world moved on without me.  Some people really didn't miss me, some were mad I had left and others were so happy to see me back on campus.  There was a lot I now had to go through... the list runs long. Friends, roommate, old apartment, new job, catchup, car insurance, phone, cleaning, living, money, graduation, parents divorce, and all the things I ran from and procrastinated.  The world came back and I was dealing as best I could.

I was tired, happy, sad, confused and lonely.  Only Taylor and a few people who have lived abroad even knew what I was feeling. Culture Shock.  Culture shock didn't hit me much in London, a few nights of homesickness but other than that I thrived in the city.  Coming home, I was called a "fag" my first day back, I wasn't making eye contact because Londoner's don't do that, and I would really venture out like I used to.  Things were so odd and different but I worked back into a routine.  Giving campus tours in the Admissions Office saved my life, I went back to large crowds of strangers, facts of campus and worked back into a new routine. I started to love Laramie again.  Honestly, Taylor got me through a lot. It's so weird that I changed in so many ways and so did everyone else really. Astonishing how much you miss in such a small amount of time.

I crave the next thing I find to dive into, my life is in limbo until the next step falls into place and I think I'm ready for that step once it's ready for me.  I feel like this is a good time for me to get ready for a big move to start a new life in about a year. I want to pursue grad school in student affairs, maybe travel around a lot and see what's out there.  Mostly I want to go someplace that I'll love and that will love me.  I'm leaving my UW home and I want to make my new home just as special.  That's the funny thing.  I've been moved around so many places that I often feel like I don't have a home.  UW was my home and I will always love it.   Now the new one better make itself shown soon ;)

Rambling thoughts on the tube

I can't explain how I feel things out about people so easy but it's how and why I believe in the supernatural. We're all made with potential to do phenomenal things and receive amazing gifts it's up to us to use them.
The amount of time you spend dwelling on things that can't change and that are beyond your control just deter you from getting to the next step of your life. It takes small little moments to change someone's life and half the time you don't even know the impact you're having. Im constantly told that I inspire others just by my presence alone. I didn't notice that until seeing the amazing people that came to talk to me before I came to London, the messages I received, and the great people that I've met here. Most of the time I've had a drink or two and I let me mind wander...apparently it brings out the good in me and allows me to share it with others. Taylor said its the way I relate to others and have experienced so much that I attract others to me so I can teach them something. The teacher appears when the student is ready. Maybe that's why I only stay in people's lives for a brief time and then we go our ways. Not because of ending on a bad note but more that I'm just a stepping stone or it's the moments our strings of fate have been woven together. Through those minuscule moment so feel like I have learned and benefitted from every person I've come into contact with. It's hard to see it at times but even those who upset us most teach us the best lessons.
I'm not afraid of pain, loss, or disappointment. Those just make me fight for my goals even more. I feel like people never give themselves enough credit... I sure don't. There's a lot that I love about myself but I'm afraid to admit them because I don't want it to go to my head.
In an attempt to change my life and how I see things I'm becoming a more positive person. I'm trying to change how I see and think about things in order to gain a new perspective into a world that may be lacking a lot more than people realize: love, hope, and safety. But if I end up loving myself and others success will come. Dreams will follow but wishing only gets you part of the way there.
If you surround yourself with positive people then the domino effect occurs. Others become more positive , nicer, happier... And then from there things should only grow and spread

Too Blind to See It

Something that I wrote before I came to London. I was sitting at home, in my old house wondering where and when my life would take off like everyone said it would. Too bad I was too blind to see it already had :) "Being here is like recognizing a shadow... Cast in an off shade of grey. A fuzzy impact between light and dark. Every time I come back I understand why I left. A desolate, unchanging place. People are supposed to be afraid of change and difference. I embrace it. My memory has sure faded from jumping off the haystack and running around the mountain, things changed... Shifted and altered its meaning. It's feeling. I used to belong here for a time. I then became aware that there was a bigger plan for me. Beyond my own knowing. Opportunity knocks and I answer. There's the saying you can take the boy out of the country but you can't take the country out of the boy. That may be completely true. But I've never been a country boy. I'm a beach rat in cowboys dust. A little part of my old history. A book long closed, stuck on a shelf to rarely be opened again. The next book has yet to be written... The pages left untouched by the harsh, scratchy stroke of a pen. There inlies the opportunity. The blank pages yet to be created... Leaps and bounds of grandeur." Coming to another country has been so amazingly imapctful and today, I don't want to talk about being abroad or how weird it is. I want to talk about how much I appreciate because of this. I have songs and smells that remind me of the greatest memories, sights that bring me to tears and render me speechless, and moments that I am so happy to share with one of my best friends; Taylor. I keep thinking of all the great things that have happened to me and that I'm so thankful to still be in contact with my friends back home. They remind me everyday how loved I am and how much love I get to go back to when I come home in 30 days. The clock is winding down and although I'm really stressed a lot and sometimes complain more than I should today I'm going to try and change that... it 's time to start being positive even if it hurts. Emotions are contagious and I plan on being a plague :) On the bus this morning to took my headphones out to just listen. I heard a mother consoling her children, a guy humming to a simple tune, street cars, birds, sirens, dogs barking and the leaves blowing around with trash in the wind. It was beautiful. Don't take anything for granted and when you're freaking out and don't know what to do; stop and breathe. You'll realize it's all just small things and then deal and move on. Life is so amazing and when I get back to the states every person I see is getting a huge hug! Not everyone... maybe I should stick to people that I know.