End of the line

I'm beginning to wonder what happened to the old me.  Parts of me that I truly miss and cherished.  I think those parts of me are still here but I just can't access them.  Or maybe I'm protecting them from being used again.

I've moved 14 times, lived in four states, and another country.  I've done so much and achieved a lot, yet... I think along the way I forgot what makes me work.  Writing, swimming, photography, playing outside.

I used to think I was "broken" in high school... man what I wouldn't give to have those days back. College was hard, coming out and standing up for equality was hard, now living a real life with a future and being responsible for the rest of everdom? that's going to be hard.

I've always grown up wanting one thing. A family.  If that's even just my husband and my dog or cat... So be it.  But that's what I've wanted.  Not because "society tells me so" but because once upon a time, a speaker told me "If you've gone through your 20's and haven't fallen in love, you're life hasn't even started."  Good thing for me is that I did fall in love... once.  It didn't last, but it taught me that I COULD love.

Then things changed, people cheated on me, bad break ups etc. and then my parents went through a 3 year battle of a divorce.  I didn't think it would hurt me like it did, or make me feel as bad as it did.  Now, it's as if I can't even date.  I don't know the protocol, or I get bored. Like I'm too picky or maybe Wyoming gays are just as bad as the gossip leads them to be. I can't help but wonder, through all this time, if I'm just losing my ability to love. To communicate genuinely, because I'm running from something or even myself. 

I didn't have the best or worst childhood, I had given up my adolescence for the sake of family.  Then my family moved back to Texas and I chose to stay.  I think this is one of the first fractures in my soul.  I became someone that I never could have without being shattered.  I grew up too fast. 16... 26 it didn't matter.  I rocked my grades, had two jobs, and still had a social life and balanced family.  Now I'm on my own and I have absolutely no balance. I work my ass off for little results, rarely see family or friends, I'm being consumed by my own bitterness and most days I'd rather not even get out of bed. Why you may ask? I'm angry... angry at my dad, at the world, at my old "friends" that weren't really friends and up until college I never even truly experienced anger. Now I'm overloaded with it and I don't have the same relaxing or outsourcing means of "letting off steam".

I'm attempting to get things back on track and then something derails my progress and hits me from the side I'm least expecting. So it's my plan to start getting things back on track, to start running, get a gym pass, sleep better, eat better and BE BETTER.  It's all in my control and if I already grew up when I was younger there's no excuse now. Time to be an adult and take the world on. here goes.. 

Standing in Line

From a small town in Wyoming there’s very little to do,
Except dream up a life much bigger than you.

People like me aren't taught that we can do anything,
We're told quite young to stand in line and wait for the bell to ring.

That line always grows longer with no end in sight,
The sun sinking below the horizon, diming down the light.

When darkness falls, I can truly see the light,
The moon grants its wisdom and will prepare you to fight.

Now the waiting is over and I'm not wasting time,
because people like me don't stand in lines.

Out into the crowd is where you find change,
Not standing around, single-file arranged.

Through sorrow, through hatred, through yelling and pain,
I stand up for others who have been too ashamed.

My journey is NOW with no chance to waste,
That dream starts today without any haste.

My goal is to change the future hidden in strife,
Grad school can get me there, One job may… change my life.

Home in Wyoming

It's not the cold that I hate, honestly it's cold-hearted nature, the fake smiles and the small town gossip. The "Big Brothers", the bureaucracy, and the "I can't wait to leave" speeches. The little things people hate about Wyoming end up being some of my favorites.  You can't snow shoe and ski without a storm, you can't hike a skyscraper, and you can't see the forest if you cut it down to build a subdivision. Paris may be the city of lights but Wyoming is the place of the stars. With extremely little light pollution you can look up and see a whole new world.  A world that few city folks have ever seen. I want to take someone from the city and bring them here. Not to boast or brag, but to show them why I'm reminded everyday of how we take things for granted: shopping malls, dry roads, trees, fruit, the sun, light rails, animals, forests, clean air, and a friendly wave from a stranger.  There is so much to appreciate when you're 50-100 miles from the next town. TOWN not city.

If you really hate it so much leave. Be mad when the roads close, or how we don't have snow days, that there are more cows than people... But don't sit here, whining for "your chance out" when it's up to you to take it. I am glad I'm moving to Chicago but I will never forget where I come from and that I live in one of the harshest climates in the US. I come from the least populated state in the Union and I was born in a town of 2,000 people. Cowboy tradition never fades, never dies and never leaves you. Wyoming is an escape from reality and at that same time it makes you face it. It strips you down and makes you look critically at your values. When you're alone in the Snowy's and all you have is you and your thoughts; you learn so much about yourself.

Some of the nicest, genuine, inspiring people come from Wyoming. We're forced to appreciate what we have here! Most crave and want things but at the end of the day we know what we need and what we want are two very different ideas.

Like I said, I'm happy that I'm leaving and yes I do sometimes hate Wyoming, but not for the snow or the emptiness.  I hate that people make it a trap, mock it's beauty, and abuse the small town nature I used to love.  There may be a day I come back, maybe after a jump start career move, I fall in love, or the apocalypse.  Until then, I'll travel, I'll move, and work my ass off to succeed in the world.  Wyoming is where I want the world to fall away, to reveal the beauty and wholeness of life... I don't want it to become a place I can't love anymore and a place I don't want to come back to and visit. 

Whirlwind

I flew to Chicago in hopes that I would make a decision about where I want to go to grad school, move and continue my life.  My romantic interest was a bust, I still wanted to come out to the city and this trip was everything I wanted it to be.  When I landed, alone in the Midway airport I got lost a few times trying to find the access to the train.  Finally on the "L" I was heading into the heart of Chicago.  I was oddly reminded of London: the sounds, people and feel.  It was a city, not a 30,000 person town in the middle of nowhere US.  Once off at the right stop my hotel was literally right in front of the train station exit.  13 floors up, settled in, I went to catch a train to see Lauren.  That night in the suburbs was so fun! It had been months since seeing Lauren, I got to meet her family and spend an amazing time out in Rose Mont. Coming in the next morning I listened to music, relaxed and thought about life.  Mostly staying in my hotel room, I just destressed. I had time to sort through files, life things and pay some bills instead of constantly worrying about work. So I headed to bed, to wake up the next morning and meet Kylene to explore Downtown Chicago and it was amazing!!!! 

Hancock Observatory overlooking all of the city, Tribune Tower with artifacts from all around the world, Navy Pier, Millennium Park... I was falling in love.  The city captivated me, in so many ways. Just wandering around in the cold and getting lost was amazing.  There were exhibits and shows, people and shopping... I felt excited and energized.  Restored.  After Kylene left I met Neal, hung out and just relaxed the night away. 

The next morning was visit time.  I walked 10 blocks in blowing cold snow, in a suit, to Loyola Water Tower Campus to meet Mariana, an enrollment advisor for Loyola University Chicago in order to get some questions asked about applications and admission to their Student Affairs program.  It was amazing and reassuring that this is one of the best schools for Student Affairs in the country and that Chicago is an amazing city for your professionals. I'm seriously falling for this city.  I just want a few years of adventure.  I'll still return to the West when I'm ready... find a place to settle down.  For now, I want excitement and energy, passion and novelty. Wyoming can't offer me that.  In the end, if I'm not in a master's program by Summer I'm moving. I need a change and I have all the support I need to do it. It's only a matter of making it happen.  

The spark

Even in my darkest times I always found a way to stay grounded.  It may have taken a lot of time, or energy, or someone to say the right phrase but I did it.  I was never truly alone.  The lives of the people I touched in the future and those who have touched mine.... I will never forget.  For even the most dim of lights shines brightly in the darkness.

I look like a strong person, deep down I'm just as sensitive as I was on the first day of kindergarten.  Scared, clinging to my mom's leg, wondering how terrifying this new adventure would be. 17 years later I'm inspiring others to find the best of themselves, see their dreams and shoot for them.  Even me, but without those dark moments I wouldn't be here. I wouldn't have become Brody, I would be something different entirely. I wouldn't want that.

The darkest I found myself... I hope to never get back to that moment but always remember that.  I remember that 14 year old me made the hardest decision I've made to date.  The decision to not only survive but to live.  To live for me, for others and to make the world a better place. I hope to do that.  If I can help one person, make one smile happen, even a pity laugh... I've done my job.  Warming people's hearts warms mine.  Now that I'm falling for someone I want to do everything I can to warm his.  Sometimes I can feel him next to me, picture him with me and my heart races and warms.  That's what I want to give in return.  For even when I was broken, hurt and angry someone came along and warmed my heart enough for me to get out of bed and realize that I am so loved.

When I came back from London I felt that I had lost all connection to this American world, I have friends that still haven't given me the time of day, people I will most likely never see again, or that were a little glad I had left.  To the few friends I have now... They hold so much love for me and I for them that you feel it any time we're together. Sometimes I get stressed or try a little too hard. Most of the time I'm just trying to find a way for people to open up.  I know not everyone likes to but they'll always have that option with me.  Night or day, good or bad, I'm there to listen and help.  Even if the favor is never returned I'm not expecting it. I just love to make others feel happy and wanted.

I thought after getting proof of my dad cheating on my mom, for 8 years, I wouldn't be able to even feel love let alone find it.  I was so afraid that even if I could trust someone that I would mess things up, shut down again or run at my first opportunity.  I started to phase out of that.  Slowly being okay with mostly myself and who I was or would become.  Then I opened up, was disappointed on more than one occasion and things kept piling up.  Finally had a few good moments.  Then one simple Facebook message changed my year. A guy that I thought was so far out of my league was talking to me.  It was amazing and he is so kind and sweet.  Then the secrets we'd both been keeping came out and I started to have a crush again, then the crush grew into feelings of like... now I'm falling. Feeling things I never thought I could again. I'm pretty positive he's the one I'm going to spend forever and after with.  The heart is a strange thing, it plays with us, tricks us but also tell you the truth sometimes before you even know it.

After all I've been through, I still fall, this time I'm hoping into the arms of the most amazing man that has ever talked to me. Hopefully he knows that I'd catch him if he ever falls as well.

Waiting for the dice,

I'm terrified of the next four months.  I'm excited, scared, tired, nervous, happy, shakey, panicked and anxious.  These are some of the biggest changes I'll make in my young adult life.  I'm so glad to have the mentors and people in my life that I do.  Sometimes I do kind of feel lonely and little boy.  Back into those scared little days when I didn't have the past I do now.  There are just so many times of waiting, relying on others and the timeline is getting shorter and shorter. My hands are shaking and can actually feel my heart racing.  I'm trying to focus on the positives, there are just those few moments that I give myself a reality check and make sure I don't give myself a big head.

There's always a chance and if there is even a split second I can take it, I'm going to.  I've finally found a path that I want to take. With people I want to take it with.  I'm holding out, waiting for fate to display it's mission. Once the dice have been rolled the answers will be revealed. I can't wait for that.  I need to convince myself not to stress, and that what is meant to be will be.

These are the moments that define us.  Our 20's, of course we always change and grow but our lives are never more volatile than they are in this decade.  Changing bodies, ideas, hormones, hobbies, cities, relationships.  In this time frame I start to see my self from the outsiders prospective.  I often wonder what people see when they look and me and the perceptions are marginally different.  I'm learning to see what others see but it also takes its toll.  With constantly thinking and jumping ideas I'm always confused as to where I really am in a lot of my doings. 

When I was younger I had so much insight to things I knew little about.  I never knew everything and rarely ever pretended to.  Now, the older I'm becoming, the less I really know. Right now I'm falling in love with someone 1,000 miles away, hoping that we feel the same about each other and even seriously talking about the future.  It's so out of context for me and out of character but I can't help it.  I just feel a connection that I can't explain.  With this comes big change, moving, new social ties and everything.  I just really hope I get into their grad program and can afford to go. Money is so important lately and I'm already in debt from undergrad.  I need to save more, spend less, and start planning ahead for my future ideas and goals. I'm just kind of wandering at this point.... waiting for the next shoe to drop and I'm really hoping that shoe drops soon.

December 14th, if the universe lines up, I may find myself in the happiest moment I've been in yet.  I'm really hoping he likes the real me, all of me, and everything we do.  I have a hard time opening my heart to people and this time I can't lose him.