There are things that are unexplained and will forever be unexplained. I don't like the "Destiny/Free Will" debate. I believe in a mix of both. The path we're set on leads us to major events in our lives. Events that should be unchanged, unavoidable, and impossible to see coming. But I also believe that free will leads us to the grand events. The choices in between make up who we are, the reactions cause us to grow and learn, or regress and sink into a route that is dark, dimly lit and going to end in a rough place.

I've learned that things can't be changed. I've also learned there are things that you can change, sometimes they're the smallest of things that make the largest of differences. A smile, hug, handshake, conversation, look, gesture, or word can change someone's day, week, or even their world. I've seen it happen and I know some great people that if they get set on the right path they will lead the world into great places. I've also seen the exact opposite, those who choose to make the wrong decisions for the right reasons. That doesn't make them right decision or for the betterment of anything. I don't think that things are always acceptable and I'm guilty of some of those things. That won't stop me from learning, growing, and becoming a better person. I see that I have potential, that I have room to improve, but also that I have great things in store for me. I just have to work for them.

There's nothing too great for courage, there's nothing courage can't handle. Stand up, fight for what's right in your heart, not what you've been told is right.

Distracted Dork

So I have really simple misconceptions about how things work. I don't always look at things from the normal perspective and I give people a lot more credit than they deserve most of the time. I'm a very upfront person. Most of the time I need to see things literally and up close. Other times I can comprehend some of the most outrageous thought complexes to ever breach my cognition. Lately I have no desire to search beyond the basics. I used to ask questions, research things on my own and be really well informed on a subject. I had passion, desire and I had the drive to pursue knowledge. I love knowledge, and I used to be a sponge on anything I was really setting my mind to. Somewhere along the way, I fell off the "Knowledge Train". I stopped thinking about what I could know, what I could find out, and what I strove to bring to new light. I forgot what I was doing and who I used to be.

I'm a nerd, plain and simple. I'm a dork, weird, different, unique, strange and eccentric. I also love it. I love being weird, it makes people see the real me without diluting my personality. I feel bad that see "Brody light" or if that ever happens. Then they see the real me and I'm sure their opinion of me changes. haha

I just need to refocus on what I'm working for. A simple balance of personal, social, academic, and professional life. I can't wait to find it, and reconnect with my inner self. Maybe then I won't be so easily distracted.

I don't believe for even a second that test accurately measure every students cognitive intelligence. There's no real system to fix this, and frankly I don't care to think of the alternative. Professors just need to realize that there are chances that they are fucking up a person's ability to learn.

First step: Failing an exam, getting wrong answers, and negative reactions to responses DO NOT HELP STUDENTS!!! Professors I've had recently have made fun of me, not cared to look into my wrong answers, and have degraded my thoughts and ideas without explanation of why they don't agree with me. This is normal to the "modern college experience". Guess what kids, not all professors, when you get to college, give two sparkled shits about you. They get paid, can't really get fired, do what they want, and some even TRY and make you fail. College isn't for everyone, but everyone is under the impression each person should go to some sort of schooling. So why are we going to an institution that doesn't want us here other than to make money and bring in more students so the University can make more money. We're little bags of money, going into a scarce job market, thinking people in Universities care about our insignificant life.

We'll if you don't like it, change it. I've proved people wrong my entire life and I'm not giving up that quality just because a few assholes stand in my way. Screw all the profs that look down on you, chuck the deuces to those who have no faith in you, stand up and change the way you work to accomplish what you need to. I'm not failing out of college, I'm not giving up and I'll be damned if I let all I've worked for go to waste in the last fews days of this G-D DAMNED semester.

Bring it on UW.

Generation: Possible

Is there a chance in Hell? Well buckle up, bring sun block and some ice water because this may be a long trip. Today, after Political Sociology, Leslie and I had a great philosophical discussion. We started to talk about relationships, life, stress, and politics then we ended talking about our generation. The unnamed, undirected, desensitized, overly sensitive, underestimated generation that is well, us. Kids, people, and “adults” in our age range have been debated over having too low of pants, showing too much skin, getting tattoos and piercings, and generally taking for granted the things we have and what we’re given. Most importantly, we take for granted our education. Not all of us do, some members of this generation are proactive, dedicated, mature, and ready to take on the future.

Dare I say it; I learned something today in Poli. Soc. and that is there is almost no hope for the direction America is heading toward, with only 20-25% of the population voting, lower education standards, higher dropout rates, and a crashing economy the United States is in for a journey. Leslie and I discovered we have a little more faith in this generation than we had anticipated. Our generation doesn’t “care” about politics and as much as I would agree that statement isn’t entirely true. We do care; we just don’t want to tolerate the bipartisan bull shit excuses thrown out by manipulative, lying, heinous politicians that see “us” as clients to gain power from. The government used to work for its people, as representatives it was their PAID DUTY to respect the desires and wishes of the collective few whom speak the loudest in a crowd. Not the majority or even those who need to be heard. The loudest person gets their way. That works for my grandparents arguments, but it doesn’t solve anything, it complicates their marriage and it doesn’t offer the happiness that comes achieving what’s right. People my grandparents, and parent’s age are currently in or coming into politics. Look at what they’ve accomplished: mortgage crisis, financial crisis, failing a global economy, deceit, lies, scandals, hypocrisy, failed campaign promises and straight out disappointment to the people of this nation. No one talks about the true public politics anymore because they don’t exist. The Public Sphere (for those who don’t know it’s the idea that there’s a bubble around society that separates it from the state) doesn’t exist. It’s become tainted and destroyed by political and elitist agendas of greed and power. Now I digress from the main point of our generation, we have become apolitical party non-conformists. A lot of my peers don’t like being involved because they can’t pick a side anymore. Republicans and Democrats no longer have real issues to fight over and we all don’t care about what they have to say. We want things accomplished but not at the means of picking a party that doesn’t care about what you think, in a system that doesn’t think you belong, in a nation that is out to drain you of all you have. Fiscal conservatives are becoming socially liberal, social issues don’t bother our generation and we have a “live and let live” attitude about us that makes us get along. Most people my age don’t worry about conforming to society, listening to what the “man” has to say, or contributing to the manipulation factor at all. Once our generation comes into power we have the potential to bring back the public sphere, bounce this nation back to its feet, and make one of the greatest countries history has ever seen. That’s if there are enough people that care to make a difference in this world.

Our generation is resilient, strong, compassionate, and bright (when we need to be). We just need the chance to step up and take over the mess our predecessors have created. With open minds and fresh ideas our nation can be saved. All it takes is a push in the right direction, on the right people, and we’ll be home free. We are can bring back America to those who care enough to see through the shit, called modern day politics and government. So “kids” it’s our turn, educate yourselves, don’t listen to the mass media and believe in what’s right. Maybe then we can bring back some dignity before we’re left with an anarchist, chaotic, obliterated nation that could have been the greatest nation history had seen

Stepping up again.

I step down,

for years I've wanted answers, now I don't want them. Everyone has a hardship, at different levels yes, but hardship none the less. I am no exception. Today I'm writing because this is an issue I've neither addressed nor spoke about for a while. Back when my family wasn't doing very well, back when my siblings and I hated each other, back before I was me, back before I free from the shallow graves of my past I was hurt. I was lonely, sad and depressed. I put on a happy face to get through the day and it worked. I went to school and did great because it's all I literally had for an escape. I watched the TV show charmed because at 3:00 every day for years it would be there for me, it never once failed me, not like how others had failed me. Then moving to Texas changed EVERYTHING. My friends know how I feel about my year in Texas, some of you may not know I was severely depressed, lost too much weight for a healthy boy, and tried to kill myself twice. This is behind me and I've spent years trying to forget and expel these memories from my mind. Then moving back to Wyoming hurt too, my dad wasn't really there for me in the beginning and my brother and sister took the distance hard. I get that it was hard for my family, I do, but sometimes they get credit for things that they shouldn't, praise for things that aren't praiseworthy, and empathy where I received apathy. I've been told "your brother had it really hard with your dad being gone, he had to step up and be the father figure."

I cried when my aunt told me this. He had it rough? from what I remember at this time he rebelled, was NEVER there for me, partied, was rude, disrespectful, didn't work and made my life miserable most every chance he could. He wasn't a good brother, nor did he take over responsibility. I did, I had to step up. I took over responsibility.

"You don't know what you're sister is going through." "You're a bad brother for letting her down like this"

Wow did these hurt, I stood up to protect my sister from herself and I was told by my own family that I was a bad brother. I was livid. Lies, tricks, games, and angry phone calls later I was still a "bad" brother. She didn't act responsible, my parents couldn't parent her because my dad had lived years without children, and my mom was too tired to deal with my sister's bullshit. Oh and I don't know what she's going through... you're right, I'd forgotten what it had been like to live with both parents, to have money spent on me, to have my parents actually show up (on time) to extra curricular events, to live under the same roof as your family. They're right, I don't know what that's like.

I can't count the time I spent trying to clean our house, do the dishes, start the laundry, or mop and sweep and have my mom come home and rant about how we never help around the house, how we're horrible children for not doing the chores after she worked multiple jobs that day. How about waking up my brother, telling him to shower, starting his truck, making sure he was out of the shower in time to get to school. Finishing his scholarship applications that he never used, taking my siblings to a movie because my mom had a mental breakdown, hearing rumors of my dad cheating and having to call my aunts to have them tell my mom, seeing her breakdown, taking back his wedding ring, never seeing his children, stressing over small things in the house, getting sick all the time, crying because my mom was hurt, worrying about the future, what to do, coming out to my mom, having her say hurtful things, ruining the bond we had, fighting with my siblings, having my mom and sister leave me, then my brother, walking into the empty house I spent my middle school years, living without my parents and siblings, getting an anxiety disorder, being misunderstood, coming out to my friends, the rest of my family, worrying about college, hiding who I was, letting people know who I am, having my friends forget me, being picked on or bullied, rumor after rumor, graduating and leaving high school forever knowing my future was up to me and I missed out on being a kid, an adolescent.

This all sounds whiny, and the light version of what I can recall from those years. But I needed to write down exactly what I was thinking about and I don't know why this was triggered for me but it was. I was told things that my siblings didn't know, I've done adult things that they haven't done, and I've learned things they will never learn... all before I turned 18. I grew up too fast, and I'm thankful for it. But the side effects are painful, deep cuts that haven't healed yet.

I have a fear of being left, abandoned, and alone. That's all I've been shown, it's all I've known, I've moved 12 times in 8 years so I get uncomfortable in one place for too long. it's awful to feel like this, I cry myself to sleep a lot and I have to cuddle a pillow to feel safe. I don't trust easily and I am rude, up front and honest. it got me this far, and I'll keep it.

I've grown so much in the past 2 years, I'm happy, healthy, and I love my friends and family. I love who I've become and where I am today. It's a great feat for me. :)

I wouldn't trade my life, but I wouldn't wish it on others. It's hard to remember the things that I've been through and most of them aren't described in this post. I just felt I needed to write down how I felt and never worry about it again. All the feelings I've held, all the pain. Of being invisible in a world where no one noticed that I was fading into the distance.

I'm here now, in the front light, bright, big and glowing. No more hiding, this is my life and I'm standing out. I'm not turning back and I'm finally me. Forever me, with all my flaws and strengths. I'm stepping up again, but this time it's for me, and no one else.

I'm sitting here, listening to old music videos from songs I thought I'd forgotten, a life I thought I had blocked out, and pieces I don't know how I forgot.

A few words in a song can propel my mind back to a place that feels safe, normal, and calm. Back before relationships meant something beyond "friends across the street" when hand holding was simple and a friendly gesture. When all you did in the summer was run around with friends and build mud pies.

As we grow up we try and fill the spaces of our lives with jobs, school, drinking, dating, worrying, stress, pain, anger and etc. When we should remember when just being with friends and family were enough. That a song, a game, a swing, or a four square ball could make your entire day worth it. I miss those times, and I'm bringing them back with me. I will remember them, be thankful for those days, and never forget the lesson you learn when you're too young to know you're learning them.

Back to me

And so the roller coaster began. It hasn't stopped most of this semester but I tried to pretend reality was fable, that plan was not seen to fruition. So many things have changed, so many things are different, and I don't know how I got to this point. The stress, sickness, worry, doubt, happiness, pain, joy, laughter and every tear in-between cannot be explained, nor do I think I can begin to explain.

I've tried giving up controlling everything and now everything is spiraling out of control. There's a certain amount of control needed to keep balance, but too much control can strangle the situation, no control allows things to slip through your fingers.

When I close my eyes, I'm not sure if I recognize the world around me anymore. I don't know what's real, what I can trust or even if I know what I should or shouldn't do. My actions have consequences, my mind has a price, and I have responsibility to myself.

I change my hair a lot, mostly from brown to blonde, to natural blonde, to red/brown or whatever I feel like. I get really stressed and need a change and most of the time it's my hair. This time, it was interesting to see it, and I do love the new color. But it's not me, it doesn't feel right, and I'm waiting to grow it out. To cut it, have my hair go back to the real me, toward my brighter personality. This just isn't me, so now I have to wait to get back to the familiar, to who I am and to who I'm used to being. Once the fog clears, the streets fade, and the light sets in I'll find me again. I just hope that it comes soon. Before I lose me forever.