Coming Home

Adventures take a toll on us.  I returned from London in the middle of April to enter Wyoming in a blizzard.  My mom came and picked me up from the airport and I went and spent the night with my best friend in Cheyenne.  The next day I had to pack up and drive back to Laramie taking Highway 287, because of the snow.  I made it back to Laramie and crashed at Allisons house.  The next three to four weeks were spent at Keileighs, Angelas, Taylors and then into the residence halls at UW.  Through all of this I jumped back into work, I saw some amazing people, I went to my friends prom and had countless dinners, coffee dates and so many hugs that I was one happy panda.   But things started to sink in.  No one really knew what was going on with me and I didn't especially. I was realizing the world moved on without me.  Some people really didn't miss me, some were mad I had left and others were so happy to see me back on campus.  There was a lot I now had to go through... the list runs long. Friends, roommate, old apartment, new job, catchup, car insurance, phone, cleaning, living, money, graduation, parents divorce, and all the things I ran from and procrastinated.  The world came back and I was dealing as best I could.

I was tired, happy, sad, confused and lonely.  Only Taylor and a few people who have lived abroad even knew what I was feeling. Culture Shock.  Culture shock didn't hit me much in London, a few nights of homesickness but other than that I thrived in the city.  Coming home, I was called a "fag" my first day back, I wasn't making eye contact because Londoner's don't do that, and I would really venture out like I used to.  Things were so odd and different but I worked back into a routine.  Giving campus tours in the Admissions Office saved my life, I went back to large crowds of strangers, facts of campus and worked back into a new routine. I started to love Laramie again.  Honestly, Taylor got me through a lot. It's so weird that I changed in so many ways and so did everyone else really. Astonishing how much you miss in such a small amount of time.

I crave the next thing I find to dive into, my life is in limbo until the next step falls into place and I think I'm ready for that step once it's ready for me.  I feel like this is a good time for me to get ready for a big move to start a new life in about a year. I want to pursue grad school in student affairs, maybe travel around a lot and see what's out there.  Mostly I want to go someplace that I'll love and that will love me.  I'm leaving my UW home and I want to make my new home just as special.  That's the funny thing.  I've been moved around so many places that I often feel like I don't have a home.  UW was my home and I will always love it.   Now the new one better make itself shown soon ;)

Rambling thoughts on the tube

I can't explain how I feel things out about people so easy but it's how and why I believe in the supernatural. We're all made with potential to do phenomenal things and receive amazing gifts it's up to us to use them.
The amount of time you spend dwelling on things that can't change and that are beyond your control just deter you from getting to the next step of your life. It takes small little moments to change someone's life and half the time you don't even know the impact you're having. Im constantly told that I inspire others just by my presence alone. I didn't notice that until seeing the amazing people that came to talk to me before I came to London, the messages I received, and the great people that I've met here. Most of the time I've had a drink or two and I let me mind wander...apparently it brings out the good in me and allows me to share it with others. Taylor said its the way I relate to others and have experienced so much that I attract others to me so I can teach them something. The teacher appears when the student is ready. Maybe that's why I only stay in people's lives for a brief time and then we go our ways. Not because of ending on a bad note but more that I'm just a stepping stone or it's the moments our strings of fate have been woven together. Through those minuscule moment so feel like I have learned and benefitted from every person I've come into contact with. It's hard to see it at times but even those who upset us most teach us the best lessons.
I'm not afraid of pain, loss, or disappointment. Those just make me fight for my goals even more. I feel like people never give themselves enough credit... I sure don't. There's a lot that I love about myself but I'm afraid to admit them because I don't want it to go to my head.
In an attempt to change my life and how I see things I'm becoming a more positive person. I'm trying to change how I see and think about things in order to gain a new perspective into a world that may be lacking a lot more than people realize: love, hope, and safety. But if I end up loving myself and others success will come. Dreams will follow but wishing only gets you part of the way there.
If you surround yourself with positive people then the domino effect occurs. Others become more positive , nicer, happier... And then from there things should only grow and spread

Too Blind to See It

Something that I wrote before I came to London. I was sitting at home, in my old house wondering where and when my life would take off like everyone said it would. Too bad I was too blind to see it already had :) "Being here is like recognizing a shadow... Cast in an off shade of grey. A fuzzy impact between light and dark. Every time I come back I understand why I left. A desolate, unchanging place. People are supposed to be afraid of change and difference. I embrace it. My memory has sure faded from jumping off the haystack and running around the mountain, things changed... Shifted and altered its meaning. It's feeling. I used to belong here for a time. I then became aware that there was a bigger plan for me. Beyond my own knowing. Opportunity knocks and I answer. There's the saying you can take the boy out of the country but you can't take the country out of the boy. That may be completely true. But I've never been a country boy. I'm a beach rat in cowboys dust. A little part of my old history. A book long closed, stuck on a shelf to rarely be opened again. The next book has yet to be written... The pages left untouched by the harsh, scratchy stroke of a pen. There inlies the opportunity. The blank pages yet to be created... Leaps and bounds of grandeur." Coming to another country has been so amazingly imapctful and today, I don't want to talk about being abroad or how weird it is. I want to talk about how much I appreciate because of this. I have songs and smells that remind me of the greatest memories, sights that bring me to tears and render me speechless, and moments that I am so happy to share with one of my best friends; Taylor. I keep thinking of all the great things that have happened to me and that I'm so thankful to still be in contact with my friends back home. They remind me everyday how loved I am and how much love I get to go back to when I come home in 30 days. The clock is winding down and although I'm really stressed a lot and sometimes complain more than I should today I'm going to try and change that... it 's time to start being positive even if it hurts. Emotions are contagious and I plan on being a plague :) On the bus this morning to took my headphones out to just listen. I heard a mother consoling her children, a guy humming to a simple tune, street cars, birds, sirens, dogs barking and the leaves blowing around with trash in the wind. It was beautiful. Don't take anything for granted and when you're freaking out and don't know what to do; stop and breathe. You'll realize it's all just small things and then deal and move on. Life is so amazing and when I get back to the states every person I see is getting a huge hug! Not everyone... maybe I should stick to people that I know.

Distracted

Television ruins everything. Constantly waiting for people to be lured into the false reality of true love. I believe in love and sometimes still believe there is someone out there for everyone. I just cannot wait to find the truth. Whatever it may be... My heart hurts, no matter what I do I have a hard time feeling anything that I used to. I feel like I'm on the brink of something. I don't know what it is. And I'm in a really strange emotional place. I feel like I've been changed so much that I don't know where I am in the real world. I can't control my thoughts any more. I don't know what to feel or who to trust. Growing up isn't the best, but it's important. It's necessary.

Searching

Lost in thought, I seem to worry. Run around, forever in hurry. Little moments in between, snowflakes, leaves, dew drops glean. Remind me of a simpler place, A place in fantasy I can't erase. Know the truth and look within, Tomorrow's adventure will soon begin.

Control

I can't save the world, I am not perfect. I can, however, make a difference. I spread myself too thin. Why? because I thought it's what I do. I realized now that it's more about what people don't do. There's a deficit of workers, there are more people concerned about their looks and their social ties than working hard to earn their worth or make a difference. In my generation, I'm a dying breed. A leader of all sorts just doing what I can. It's not enough though. I'm one man, standing on the notion that others will be the safety net. They won't though, not enough to stop the force of impact without hurting others. So I strive for more, I push myself and us my past as motivation. I slip up a lot, make mistakes, do things I shouldn't and waste time. Who doesn't? But I try not to waste YOUR time. I try to be there and do what's asked of me but sometimes it doesn't work out as planned. That's when you take a step back, reevaluate and try again. Perseverance doesn't fail you, even if you fail. For standing in the face of adversity is the true strength a person can thrive on. I work too hard on things I can't control. One day I'll slow down and mellow out. Until then, I'll continue to us my youth to do all I can, be goofy and try too hard at things that I laugh at myself for anyway. That's something that I miss though. Really laughing. I think that after these last few years I've just changed my perspective on things too much that my "funny bone" has been a little damaged. I want it back, I miss laughing at the most ridiculous things. It's slowly coming back, my real, full on, loud chipmunk laugh... Oh boy am I awkward. Thanks to Kalayla's pictures and some texts throughout the day(and social committee) I get some great laughs in. I'm working on a balance of life, school life and me. I'm closer than I've ever been to it and one day soon I'll reach it. Just in time to relax and study in London for a semester. Then it's time for the real world and life to become better than I have been and exceed my own expectations... Look out world... here I come. PS: Wine was consumed in the making of this message... really classy wine.

Life has a lot of ups and downs

People always say "it's like a roller coaster" implying bad things... funny thing is: I've always liked roller coasters.