The spark

Even in my darkest times I always found a way to stay grounded.  It may have taken a lot of time, or energy, or someone to say the right phrase but I did it.  I was never truly alone.  The lives of the people I touched in the future and those who have touched mine.... I will never forget.  For even the most dim of lights shines brightly in the darkness.

I look like a strong person, deep down I'm just as sensitive as I was on the first day of kindergarten.  Scared, clinging to my mom's leg, wondering how terrifying this new adventure would be. 17 years later I'm inspiring others to find the best of themselves, see their dreams and shoot for them.  Even me, but without those dark moments I wouldn't be here. I wouldn't have become Brody, I would be something different entirely. I wouldn't want that.

The darkest I found myself... I hope to never get back to that moment but always remember that.  I remember that 14 year old me made the hardest decision I've made to date.  The decision to not only survive but to live.  To live for me, for others and to make the world a better place. I hope to do that.  If I can help one person, make one smile happen, even a pity laugh... I've done my job.  Warming people's hearts warms mine.  Now that I'm falling for someone I want to do everything I can to warm his.  Sometimes I can feel him next to me, picture him with me and my heart races and warms.  That's what I want to give in return.  For even when I was broken, hurt and angry someone came along and warmed my heart enough for me to get out of bed and realize that I am so loved.

When I came back from London I felt that I had lost all connection to this American world, I have friends that still haven't given me the time of day, people I will most likely never see again, or that were a little glad I had left.  To the few friends I have now... They hold so much love for me and I for them that you feel it any time we're together. Sometimes I get stressed or try a little too hard. Most of the time I'm just trying to find a way for people to open up.  I know not everyone likes to but they'll always have that option with me.  Night or day, good or bad, I'm there to listen and help.  Even if the favor is never returned I'm not expecting it. I just love to make others feel happy and wanted.

I thought after getting proof of my dad cheating on my mom, for 8 years, I wouldn't be able to even feel love let alone find it.  I was so afraid that even if I could trust someone that I would mess things up, shut down again or run at my first opportunity.  I started to phase out of that.  Slowly being okay with mostly myself and who I was or would become.  Then I opened up, was disappointed on more than one occasion and things kept piling up.  Finally had a few good moments.  Then one simple Facebook message changed my year. A guy that I thought was so far out of my league was talking to me.  It was amazing and he is so kind and sweet.  Then the secrets we'd both been keeping came out and I started to have a crush again, then the crush grew into feelings of like... now I'm falling. Feeling things I never thought I could again. I'm pretty positive he's the one I'm going to spend forever and after with.  The heart is a strange thing, it plays with us, tricks us but also tell you the truth sometimes before you even know it.

After all I've been through, I still fall, this time I'm hoping into the arms of the most amazing man that has ever talked to me. Hopefully he knows that I'd catch him if he ever falls as well.

Waiting for the dice,

I'm terrified of the next four months.  I'm excited, scared, tired, nervous, happy, shakey, panicked and anxious.  These are some of the biggest changes I'll make in my young adult life.  I'm so glad to have the mentors and people in my life that I do.  Sometimes I do kind of feel lonely and little boy.  Back into those scared little days when I didn't have the past I do now.  There are just so many times of waiting, relying on others and the timeline is getting shorter and shorter. My hands are shaking and can actually feel my heart racing.  I'm trying to focus on the positives, there are just those few moments that I give myself a reality check and make sure I don't give myself a big head.

There's always a chance and if there is even a split second I can take it, I'm going to.  I've finally found a path that I want to take. With people I want to take it with.  I'm holding out, waiting for fate to display it's mission. Once the dice have been rolled the answers will be revealed. I can't wait for that.  I need to convince myself not to stress, and that what is meant to be will be.

These are the moments that define us.  Our 20's, of course we always change and grow but our lives are never more volatile than they are in this decade.  Changing bodies, ideas, hormones, hobbies, cities, relationships.  In this time frame I start to see my self from the outsiders prospective.  I often wonder what people see when they look and me and the perceptions are marginally different.  I'm learning to see what others see but it also takes its toll.  With constantly thinking and jumping ideas I'm always confused as to where I really am in a lot of my doings. 

When I was younger I had so much insight to things I knew little about.  I never knew everything and rarely ever pretended to.  Now, the older I'm becoming, the less I really know. Right now I'm falling in love with someone 1,000 miles away, hoping that we feel the same about each other and even seriously talking about the future.  It's so out of context for me and out of character but I can't help it.  I just feel a connection that I can't explain.  With this comes big change, moving, new social ties and everything.  I just really hope I get into their grad program and can afford to go. Money is so important lately and I'm already in debt from undergrad.  I need to save more, spend less, and start planning ahead for my future ideas and goals. I'm just kind of wandering at this point.... waiting for the next shoe to drop and I'm really hoping that shoe drops soon.

December 14th, if the universe lines up, I may find myself in the happiest moment I've been in yet.  I'm really hoping he likes the real me, all of me, and everything we do.  I have a hard time opening my heart to people and this time I can't lose him.

Breaking into creativity again... I guess

I've spent my whole time waiting for prince charming and prince charming was waiting for me.
Running, Chasing, praying, wishing.
the mirror lies, the old wolf cries and snow falls on freshly fallen leaves.

Light shines through the trees, shattering the shadows hidden within,
The horse races toward you, charging with life's last breath.
Fear, hope, then nothing.

He awakens from slumber, in the arms of the prince.
Lost, confused, and safe.
The crown shows truth.

Castles, jewels and power mean little,
The true power lies in love,
Cloaked in warmth the snow melts to spring.

New life is born through the mist,
flowers bloom in ice and roses cover the terrace,
the dove hovers for eternity.

I'm a real boy

When you close your eyes what do you see?

I see colors.  No images, no flashes of lights or ideas, words... nothing like that.  I see spectrums of color.  Shapes and definition, shadows and swirls.  I can't always explain it to other people and times I've tried have been honestly ridiculous.  Colors, to me, more than they might to you. I see feelings, ideas, memories, light, day, night, everything in color.  So lately, everything has been grey.  Tino told me to try writing again and I just don't know if I can really anymore.  I just think about putting all my thoughts onto this screen and then everything seems annoyingly dramatic or pointless.  I honestly feel like I can't love anymore, or feel real feelings.   I'm a shade.  I need a jump start back into the real world, a snap back to reality.

I've taken up running to try and help and in little parts it does, in other parts it doesn't.  I woke up to a text today saying my little sister had been in a rollover accident.  I went numb.  I don't deal with big life things like this that well anymore.  What would I do if she wouldn't have made it? I don't know what I would say or do... I don't know what the last thing I said was, or if I told her I loved her.  How would I deal with that? That would eat me up inside for years to come.  I'm so torn between my family issues, parents divorce and being an adult in the real world I think I fractured myself.  Suppressing years of memories has a consequence, I also think that's been causing my nightmares... since I was 16. Growing up isn't what I thought it would be like haha and now I'm wondering what I want to do with the next year, two years, decade of my life.  I have no realization of the time period I'm imprisoned to.  I miss my family and my friends... I don't want to be so far away from them anymore.

Then another part of me tells me I'm weak for thinking like this and I need to suck it up.  That's when I feel the least human.  Then friends bring their drama into my life and I try to be there for them but I'm running out of sympathy for problems that they bring onto themselves.  They ask my advice, ignore it, and then come crying back.  It makes me wonder if they even listen at all... So I stop giving advice and try and do something for myself and all hell breaks loose. It's a twisted little world and I'm the puppet on a string.   Don't worry though, I'm one adventure away from being a real boy.

The Path

22 years.  22 years 6 months and 8 days.  Who knew that the world would have changed so much in so little time.  Humans have made leaps and bounds... we have the world's knowledge in our pockets, buildings that dwarf some of the oldest monuments and yet we still worry about the little things.  I wonder what my parents thought about 22 years ago.  The morning I was born.  If someone had asked them what they though I would be, would they have an answer? A teacher? A professor? Engineer?
I couldn't even have predicted where my life has now ended up.  Now I'm looking down a road, at a blinding light, blurring the path ahead of me... I'm in my 20's, I'm supposed to be trying everything and changing, adapting, having enough energy to run a power plant.  I can't even stay up past 11pm.  I fall asleep in the car and I can't seem to find the fun in going out to little Wyoming bars for a "good time".  I love my new job and it's really amazing experience, but I can't help thinking I need to move on to the next step.  Sure it's scary, you're damn right it's scary! It's my future.  I don't want to ruin it.  I also can't help of feel utterly excited in the fact that I can move on a whim, end up anywhere and start over. The hard part is being lost.  That transitional period of not knowing where my foot will land, if I call my family enough or when my next paycheck is going to stay in my bank account.

My biggest struggle? That I don't want to hear advice, I don't want to talk about it really, I want someone to hold me and tell my things will be okay.  I'm not weak, I'm not petty.  I genuinely want to have someone take care of me for a change.  That selfish little moment where I want someone to want me to feel better. Hell, even someone to lay on the couch with me and watch Halloween movies with nothing better to do than to lay on my lap and laugh with me about the bad acting or "what it was like for me as a kid" stories. I'm stuck in youth, cursed with burnout and not a clear idea of how to break out of that yet.  I hope it's the path that I'm on.  I just might have to start making my own.

Before it's too late

Sheesh has it been a while, I don't even know the last post I've had on here really.  You know those moments... where you stop to think about your life and everything runs through your head so fast that you feel like you're not thinking at all? That was the last three months of my life.  Somewhere along the line I blew a few too many gaskets and I'm not sure how to replace them.  There's just so many different things happening in my life.  I'm a professional on campus. I'm no longer a student. I'm a role model, self-critic, masochist and a lot of other things as well. I honestly don't know very much about myself anymore. I've become mean, arrogant, reserved, cryptic and isolated.  I have no idea how to chip away the ice that surrounds my frozen heart but if any one has any ideas... feel free to shout them out.

My parents are now divorced which makes things a lot different.  My dad acts like nothing has changed and it's all normal.  Nothing will ever be normal again.  I'm used to change and thought this change would lead to some growth and development.  It lead me straight into relational paranoia.  I don't trust people, I can't really feel love lately it seems and I've shut off... just like he did, just like he did to us and my mom. I can't even cry now I'm so desensitized to it. I've been seeing people here and there, flirting like I always do but two weeks in I can't seem to let myself get close to them. I'm looking for things I'm not finding.

I'm also really hard on myself. I need to work on that.  Start being physically, mentally, emotionally... healthier.  I'm so broken.   I sometimes wonder if I'll ever really know what I'm looking for when I see it. I feel lost and kind of alone because I can't get close to people any more.  Not as easily. Where do you start? Hollywood lies to you and gives you these moments that jump start your life... I'm waiting for that. The firework, the spark, the chair that's kicked out from under me.  I need to get back on track before it's too late.  Before I descend into darkness and no one has a match.