It's been 12 years...

It's been 12 years Grandpa, I went to your grave today with Danielle.  It was raining just like it was that day... the day at your funeral and one of the last times I set foot in a cemetery.  The grass so green it hurt my eyes, flowers arranged in wreaths and vases, white chair standing out in the gloom of the empty grave that lie in front of all those people.  I hate cemeteries.  Not because of the dead but just the feelings I get, the memories.  The parts of my past I used to love and now those memories hurt me... I want to think about all the good times but that comes with a price too.

I miss you, it's been so long and things are so messed up here Grandpa. Nothing is like it was and people aren't like they used to be.  I'm sure you hear about it from time to time. I just miss the days you took me to pick raspberries and play in the field, climb rocks in your backyard or looking for arrowheads.

I cried, I didn't want to... but it hurt to be back there after all this time away.  To think of what's happened to me and how much I've wished you were here.  To call me BC, no one calls me that anymore and I miss it.  It's the nickname only you had for me. Reminds me of those days, croquet and badminton in the backyard, calling Boo and Johnny in, cat shaped pancakes and homemade ice cream.

I've had a lot of time to think this summer and in reality it just made me more neurotic haha. Who would have thought we ended up here? Spinning our wheels and holding on for dear life...
Like the time Dillon fell out of the golf cart when you tried teaching me to drive or cheating at cards. I still laugh when I look back on the past.  I see hummingbirds and fruit, licorice gum and the smell of your coat. I had to give the coat back because it stopped smelling like you and I felt like I lost you all over again.  I miss you Grandpa.  I keep feeling like I lost pieces of myself along the way and you were one of them.  The first person that gave me a dose of life, or rather, death.

I just loved our family so much and now a lot of us are distant. Very distant.  Life does that to people, somehow you were the glue and then... Well, I just hope you saw us today.  Looking out for you by the tree, the tree I stared at that day in the rain, listening to Wally plan taps, seeing the flowers and wondering when you were coming back.

It's been 12 years grandpa.

Love, hope and happines

There are moments that I finally let down my walls and see myself for what I could really have to offer, as well as what I'm capable of receiving. Love.  I've always been a hopeless romantic, watched too many disney movies, hold doors and pay at dinner.  Even with friends.  It's this sinking feeling that creeps into my veins, burns through my cells and radiates light in this little-big heart of mine.  I'm sometimes so worried about protecting it that I forget to show it off to people.  After all, the best part of love is giving it to others and those that need it most.

I keep looking back on when my heart started to get colder and harder, those pains that drove spikes a little too deep, and how I could overcome them.  Overcoming adversity is one of the many gifts only life and experience can teach a person.  The adversity of a broken heart is some of the most painful.  Fun science fact, you can literally die from the stress hormones of grief; die of a broken heart.  I don't ever want that to happen, not just to me but anyone.  We're taught to love at an early age and then somehow growing up, selfishness, life and sorrow find ways into making us forget what we're here to do.  We work to live, we work for shelter and food... but society made life this complicated mess of job, retirement, game over.  Really, life is about love and loving those around you.  My Gram, my favorite person, taught me that.  I've always wished I could be more like her... unconditional love and happiness even in the worst of times. Her smile melts my heart and when I don't hear from here for a while it hurts my heart.  When I get the chance to have those conversations with her that make me revel in her brilliance and stories... it makes my life. It's what I'll always cherish and remember.  I want that love to spread to the world. For everyone to have a chance and exist in peace and happiness. Call me a hippie, or any other name you can think.  It won't stop me from striving to make the world a better place. I'm a realist, that doesn't make my dreams any less smaller than what I can make it to be.

I stay up late with my mind racing a lot, thinking of what I could be doing, my day, my life, etc.  I've fallen out of my favorite hobbies and really want to get back into the things I love the most.  Volleyball, swimming, being active, photography, writing... the things that used to make me, well, me.  As I move day to day there are more things challenging my ideas and perspectives on what life is to me... they could be conversations, pictures, wasted or well spent moments... it could be a really good book, hot coffee on cold mornings, or the kiss from an amazingly great guy in a nightclub.

My life is far from simple and boring but to me it's my life.  It seems like "that's what everyone does" when in reality I'm kind of unique in my crazy life experiences.  I've traveled to more than 50% of the states, 5 countries and counting.  Been in love, broken bones and fears, laughed until I've cried and spent some of the best days in places that only some dream of.  I've met phenomenal people of all backgrounds and experiences.  Without a doubt, I am no normal 23 year old.  With all these experiences I have a few great stories to tell.  As I plan for summer, I have months until the next adventure I set myself up on.  Moving to Chicago, all on my own, for Graduate School.   Something I'm most excited about though? Dating in a city, it might be scary, new and crazy but I'm so ready to see what's out there.  Maybe even fall in love again.  It's a little bit of a love centric post tonight but I'm just inspired finally and happy.  I just crave positive people and hugs, cuddling, kissing, cheesy romantic gestures and lazy movie nights... not for the sake of being in a relationship, I want the one guy I can share my crazy life with and his life with me.  I'm a firm believer in long lasting, monogamous relationships, even in the gay community.  I've seen it, and we're more than capable of doing it.  I just need to find the nerdy, quirky guy out there for me.  Someone that kisses me when I come home and laughs at my puns (let's be honest I have good ones) and loves me in all my craziness.  More than that, I want to love him for all those reasons and more.  Just losing myself in moments with him and listening to his day.  That's what I strive for, yes I have career goals and blah blah blah, but what's life if you don't share it with people.  The people you love and cherish.  I know I'll find love when I'm meant to and most likely when I least expect... I just hope I'm paying attention and then never let him go.

Here's to a lot of lazy sunday mornings to come.

Close your eyes and breathe...
1...
2....
3......

Feel better?
Me neither....

I've spent days trying to recuperate, de-stress, relax, not complain, try self love/care and it's not adding up.  I don't know what I'm doing but I've come to the conclusion that I'm doing things wrong.  I need to really grow up, step up and fix my problems. I can't run anymore.  Running solves nothing. I've spent years trying to run from my problems and have yet to truly learn how to deal with them.  Time's up, the clock struck midnight and life's little fairytale turns back to reality.  I really wonder what I'm capable of, I've seen some greatness in my time, I've done great things.  Now with limited resources, limited time and very little energy I may have to pull off on of my most difficult performances yet.

Finding myself.

End of the line

I'm beginning to wonder what happened to the old me.  Parts of me that I truly miss and cherished.  I think those parts of me are still here but I just can't access them.  Or maybe I'm protecting them from being used again.

I've moved 14 times, lived in four states, and another country.  I've done so much and achieved a lot, yet... I think along the way I forgot what makes me work.  Writing, swimming, photography, playing outside.

I used to think I was "broken" in high school... man what I wouldn't give to have those days back. College was hard, coming out and standing up for equality was hard, now living a real life with a future and being responsible for the rest of everdom? that's going to be hard.

I've always grown up wanting one thing. A family.  If that's even just my husband and my dog or cat... So be it.  But that's what I've wanted.  Not because "society tells me so" but because once upon a time, a speaker told me "If you've gone through your 20's and haven't fallen in love, you're life hasn't even started."  Good thing for me is that I did fall in love... once.  It didn't last, but it taught me that I COULD love.

Then things changed, people cheated on me, bad break ups etc. and then my parents went through a 3 year battle of a divorce.  I didn't think it would hurt me like it did, or make me feel as bad as it did.  Now, it's as if I can't even date.  I don't know the protocol, or I get bored. Like I'm too picky or maybe Wyoming gays are just as bad as the gossip leads them to be. I can't help but wonder, through all this time, if I'm just losing my ability to love. To communicate genuinely, because I'm running from something or even myself. 

I didn't have the best or worst childhood, I had given up my adolescence for the sake of family.  Then my family moved back to Texas and I chose to stay.  I think this is one of the first fractures in my soul.  I became someone that I never could have without being shattered.  I grew up too fast. 16... 26 it didn't matter.  I rocked my grades, had two jobs, and still had a social life and balanced family.  Now I'm on my own and I have absolutely no balance. I work my ass off for little results, rarely see family or friends, I'm being consumed by my own bitterness and most days I'd rather not even get out of bed. Why you may ask? I'm angry... angry at my dad, at the world, at my old "friends" that weren't really friends and up until college I never even truly experienced anger. Now I'm overloaded with it and I don't have the same relaxing or outsourcing means of "letting off steam".

I'm attempting to get things back on track and then something derails my progress and hits me from the side I'm least expecting. So it's my plan to start getting things back on track, to start running, get a gym pass, sleep better, eat better and BE BETTER.  It's all in my control and if I already grew up when I was younger there's no excuse now. Time to be an adult and take the world on. here goes.. 

Standing in Line

From a small town in Wyoming there’s very little to do,
Except dream up a life much bigger than you.

People like me aren't taught that we can do anything,
We're told quite young to stand in line and wait for the bell to ring.

That line always grows longer with no end in sight,
The sun sinking below the horizon, diming down the light.

When darkness falls, I can truly see the light,
The moon grants its wisdom and will prepare you to fight.

Now the waiting is over and I'm not wasting time,
because people like me don't stand in lines.

Out into the crowd is where you find change,
Not standing around, single-file arranged.

Through sorrow, through hatred, through yelling and pain,
I stand up for others who have been too ashamed.

My journey is NOW with no chance to waste,
That dream starts today without any haste.

My goal is to change the future hidden in strife,
Grad school can get me there, One job may… change my life.

Home in Wyoming

It's not the cold that I hate, honestly it's cold-hearted nature, the fake smiles and the small town gossip. The "Big Brothers", the bureaucracy, and the "I can't wait to leave" speeches. The little things people hate about Wyoming end up being some of my favorites.  You can't snow shoe and ski without a storm, you can't hike a skyscraper, and you can't see the forest if you cut it down to build a subdivision. Paris may be the city of lights but Wyoming is the place of the stars. With extremely little light pollution you can look up and see a whole new world.  A world that few city folks have ever seen. I want to take someone from the city and bring them here. Not to boast or brag, but to show them why I'm reminded everyday of how we take things for granted: shopping malls, dry roads, trees, fruit, the sun, light rails, animals, forests, clean air, and a friendly wave from a stranger.  There is so much to appreciate when you're 50-100 miles from the next town. TOWN not city.

If you really hate it so much leave. Be mad when the roads close, or how we don't have snow days, that there are more cows than people... But don't sit here, whining for "your chance out" when it's up to you to take it. I am glad I'm moving to Chicago but I will never forget where I come from and that I live in one of the harshest climates in the US. I come from the least populated state in the Union and I was born in a town of 2,000 people. Cowboy tradition never fades, never dies and never leaves you. Wyoming is an escape from reality and at that same time it makes you face it. It strips you down and makes you look critically at your values. When you're alone in the Snowy's and all you have is you and your thoughts; you learn so much about yourself.

Some of the nicest, genuine, inspiring people come from Wyoming. We're forced to appreciate what we have here! Most crave and want things but at the end of the day we know what we need and what we want are two very different ideas.

Like I said, I'm happy that I'm leaving and yes I do sometimes hate Wyoming, but not for the snow or the emptiness.  I hate that people make it a trap, mock it's beauty, and abuse the small town nature I used to love.  There may be a day I come back, maybe after a jump start career move, I fall in love, or the apocalypse.  Until then, I'll travel, I'll move, and work my ass off to succeed in the world.  Wyoming is where I want the world to fall away, to reveal the beauty and wholeness of life... I don't want it to become a place I can't love anymore and a place I don't want to come back to and visit. 

Whirlwind

I flew to Chicago in hopes that I would make a decision about where I want to go to grad school, move and continue my life.  My romantic interest was a bust, I still wanted to come out to the city and this trip was everything I wanted it to be.  When I landed, alone in the Midway airport I got lost a few times trying to find the access to the train.  Finally on the "L" I was heading into the heart of Chicago.  I was oddly reminded of London: the sounds, people and feel.  It was a city, not a 30,000 person town in the middle of nowhere US.  Once off at the right stop my hotel was literally right in front of the train station exit.  13 floors up, settled in, I went to catch a train to see Lauren.  That night in the suburbs was so fun! It had been months since seeing Lauren, I got to meet her family and spend an amazing time out in Rose Mont. Coming in the next morning I listened to music, relaxed and thought about life.  Mostly staying in my hotel room, I just destressed. I had time to sort through files, life things and pay some bills instead of constantly worrying about work. So I headed to bed, to wake up the next morning and meet Kylene to explore Downtown Chicago and it was amazing!!!! 

Hancock Observatory overlooking all of the city, Tribune Tower with artifacts from all around the world, Navy Pier, Millennium Park... I was falling in love.  The city captivated me, in so many ways. Just wandering around in the cold and getting lost was amazing.  There were exhibits and shows, people and shopping... I felt excited and energized.  Restored.  After Kylene left I met Neal, hung out and just relaxed the night away. 

The next morning was visit time.  I walked 10 blocks in blowing cold snow, in a suit, to Loyola Water Tower Campus to meet Mariana, an enrollment advisor for Loyola University Chicago in order to get some questions asked about applications and admission to their Student Affairs program.  It was amazing and reassuring that this is one of the best schools for Student Affairs in the country and that Chicago is an amazing city for your professionals. I'm seriously falling for this city.  I just want a few years of adventure.  I'll still return to the West when I'm ready... find a place to settle down.  For now, I want excitement and energy, passion and novelty. Wyoming can't offer me that.  In the end, if I'm not in a master's program by Summer I'm moving. I need a change and I have all the support I need to do it. It's only a matter of making it happen.